Transition to a "New Normal" as they said at WRAMC

i will be discharged from the rehab center on 12/1/10 after not quite 8 weeks in rehab recovering from a broken femur. I asked my PT "Is this more severe than a hip replacement?" as the center is almost filled with folks recovering from them, then knee, loss of strength and ability to walk and lastly folks like myself, various broken bones, surgeries etc. He said, "definitely" as I must heal not only the severing of muscle via the surgery which makes the right leg feel literally "like dead wood" but must also grow new bone which is a time consuming process When a person has hip replacement oftentimes they are up within a day or two walking. I did not place any weight on my right leg until 7 weeks then it was 50% for a week that is stand on both legs. In the 8 the week I have begun to place 100% on the leg, that is take a full step, right they left.

So that is why my MD gave me an application for a permanent handicap sticker seeing the recovery longer than a few months, I think. It also means that I will not being having the lower back surgery until I am much more recovered from this surgery again as the MD gave his prognosis.

So this is my way forward and new normal:
1. I can bend my right knee about 95% to the back, I can bend the left until the foot is about 2 inches from my butt. So I have about 20 more degrees in bend to regain back if I can.

2. The PT's say I am stable and strong. I must walk with a walker at all times. This is so if the right thigh fails, becomes weak to the point it won't support me I can use my hands and walker to keep from falling.

3. I must from now on, walking up steps lead with the left (good) foot, walking down steps lead with the right (injured) leg. I forgot as I practiced and the right leg let me know right away by "being dead weight"

4. I want to ASAP make an appointment with a Physical Medicine and Rehab MD so that he/she can create an outline for therapy and do's and don'ts to recover strength and at the same time do not injure my lower back further.

3. I must participate in my recovery doing the exercises assigned by the PT every day and by attending out-pt PT for as long as I can. I want them to set up an exercise program so that I can continue on my own after the sessions end.


Where has God been during my injury, rehab and as I go forward into a "new normal"

a. I believe what happened was an accident and nothing more. As a joke I read once "Shit happens" supposed to be Buddhist perspective, I was present. I knew it was bad, I told Lisa to call 911 an that I was not going to try to get up. I checked my body and my right leg gave me feedback that it was injured very seriously as it felt like "dead wood" above the knee. The fireman said, "maybe a dislocation" as he couldn't feel a jagged bone I guess. Every movement or touch of the right leg made me cry out in excruciating pain. The ride to the ER was a nightmare of pain. Being transferred to the hospital gurney was pain, being ex-rayed was pain. Nothing relieved the pain until the morphine drip started.

And when the RN put the catheter in I knew I was headed for surgery. I was moved to the ortho section of the hospital and put into traction to keep the bone pieces in place until surgery so I would not move and do more damage. I can't remember exactly the white lie the RN used but I didn't believe it. She said something to the effect "We don't want the bone to grow." I was incredulous, bone does NOT grow that quickly! Borne out by my not being able to walk on the leg for 8 weeks after surgery so the bone could grow! I didn't question her because if we start with a lie, she sure wasn't going to tell me the truth.

I must say that "I trusted in God" with the same level of trust as when I walked into Walter Reed after Jason's injury in 2005. I knew then that Jason's injury would be a benchmark in my life, a turning point against which I would measure the rest of my life. I was injured, I did not have any control over what would happen next. God/Force of Life would see me through surgery and recovery or not. I would follow MD's orders and let the rest be in God's Providence. I think it will be the same with death. I trust in God in that over which I have no control.

The image that came to me quickly after surgery was that I was a rowboat nestled in a cove, grasses on the shore, The boat gently rocked by the quiet movement of the waters maybe from a breeze. The feeling was I was being held, protected, at peace.

2. During these two months of 6 times a week therapy

Hello from the Rehab center in Brandon FL/ published February 27 2011

I never had the chance of publishing this as the last 5 months have been very busy.
So today I thought I would make it "part of my record" by publishing it unfinished as it is.

It has been about 2/(now 5) months since I posted last, let me tell you a saga!

As you know I was thinking of a move to be near my daughter Lisa as the MD's diagnosed severe degenerative arthritis in my lumbar spine. I felt it was maybe time I needed to be near my daughter as I do not know the results/impact of the surgery on my life. So on 9/30 I flew to Tampa, apt listings in hand to begin my search. Got off plane, did a quick chore to put me on Lisa's
family plan with T mobile, arrived at her home after dark, got out of the car and literally crashed into her driveway which happens to be cement. darn it.

Immediately I knew it would not be good at all. My right leg above the knee felt like dead wood.
911 arrived, into ambulance for painful ride to Brandon Regional about 10 minutes away.
X-ray revealed "Break in femur in four places including the ball joint"
Shot of morphine knocked me out, catheter in with no food or water for 24 hours until next afternoon.
"Sorry, no surgery today" We will try for Saturday morning.
Okay, more pain meds by the IV bagful, ambien, traction for overnight. (If you are on Face Book befriend me and you can see me before and after surgery)

Sat morning, up early surgery successful. After I am in my room, MD PA comes in, "It was a very complicated and challenging surgery" I said, "Say What?" "Whatever happened to the words "routine and boring?" He smiled. I found out later I did not have the best surgeon in the group however I trust that God will take care of any surgeon mistakes. He keeps saying during my check in visits, I have had two, "I could have wired a piece of the break but it doesn't heal well, more complicated." I just think he wanted to hurry to the golf course or some other activity on a Sat in FL.

So by Tuesday I was out of the hospital and into rehab about 10 minutes from my daughter's home. The RN's were very nice and looking out for my care. However the MD would not permit me pain meds for the ambulance transfer, a real, real painful ride with no meds until the next day! Needless to say I got very little sleep that night.

So It has been six weeks of rehabbing with PT and OT each day at first. I now have 1.5 hours of PT each day with a session on the weekend also. I have been keeping a journal most days with my "fights with the management " of the rehab center. Remember I was on the other side of the bed for 7 years as a hospice chaplain, so I have been intimately in and around health care systems for 7 years including overseeing my own mother's hospice care.

Trials and tribulations include
1. I have not yet figured out a way to get pain meds, once a day, prior to PT which I have at 9 AM every day since I arrived. Some of the LPN's who oversee pain meds are really good, others are just not awake at that hour of the morning I guess. So I have created a sign, "Ask for percacet at 7:30 AM with applesauce" and hung it on my closet door directly opposite the bed.

2. I cannot receive communion because I am in PT when the ministers do their rounds. Now I am talking mega parish where my children attend about 10 minutes away. This is the failure of the RCC to institute the reforms of Vatican II where all are called to be ministers and FL is filled with retired RC's. I am so glad I am out of the institutional RCC via attempting to live the reforms that need to come about.

3. Today I bit a piece of candy broke a tooth. Upside the tooth has a root canal which buys me time till I get discharged I hope. I will have Lisa give me the name of her dentist.

February 27:
I have moved into my new duplex at Sun City Center about 20 miles South of Lisa in Brandon. I will go to the MD's on March 17th to see what the folks at the Spinal Institute connected to USF and Tampa General say about surgery, etc.

Address:
1904 Canterbury Lane Unit 21
Sun City Center 33573
813 938 5750 (home)
Katyrcwp@gmail.com

You can also befriend me on Facebook under Katy Zatsick

I am Grateful For

I am Grateful for
1. Having Lisa for my daughter helping me find a place in FL.
2. Having an easy paced day today, didn't get exercise in.
3. Having good leftovers to eat as I try to clean out the frig as I will be gone to FL then to Chicago this next 10 days.

A Move to Florida? Visiting Brandon this week.

On Thursday I will fly to Fl to look for housing in the Brandon area, Hillsburough County where my daughter Lisa and her family live. I am facing a series of possible surgeries and decided I would rather move now than during a medical crisis. Get to know the community, support and medical professionals.

I will be in Fl for about five days and I think that will give me plenty of time to see the housing nearest to Lisa and to make an informed decision. I can always stay here and try again in the spring if I don't find a place this trip. Put my adds out on Craig's list-Tampa and using my daughter's cell phone number to arrange visits because wouldn't you know it I just lost mine while on retreat this week!

I am looking for a two bedroom apartment-so folks can visit, I assume my Northern relatives would like to do so in the winter. My son and his wife Jodi have returned to FL this past month; Jodi at the Un of FL in Gainesville and Jason in Tampa working for the DOD. I hope that our relationship might be more easily healed if I move to FL. I pray God will touch Jason's heart with the grace of forgiveness towards me.

If I move to Brandon I will be close to my Bishop Bridget Mary who resides in FL with her father from November to May in Sarasota. I would hope that I could preside at liturgy for her community until she arrives. I hope that I will be able to begin a small intentional faith community in Brandon. I hope that is where God is leading me if I move.

Three Things to be Grateful For

I have been busy with MD's etc seeking to make the best medical decisions I can. Went to a physical therapist this week who said, "you have been doing too much exercise for your back." Two times a week on the reclining bike, two times a week water aerobics.

1. I am thankful for physical therapy and Social Security Medicare that gets me there.
2. I am thankful for AlAnon and the support offered to parents with children abusing drugs/alcohol.
3. I am thankful for the ability to take a nap in the afternoon. I slept from 2-4 today. Woke up refreshed and began to clean the living room.

Rules to Live By by Rebecca Wells

The novel "The Crowning Glory of Cally Lily Ponder" follows a woman's life from her childhood in LA to her marriage to her childhood sweetheart many years later. Calla Lily's mother dies in the novel and before she dies she creates the rules of life for her children, soon motherless.

The Rules of Life

1. Sleep with the windows open (window screens are fine if necessary)

2. Whistle in the dark. Attempts at whistling are good enough

3. Good enough is good enough. Perfect will make you a big fat mess every time.

4. Sing anytime you feel like it, and even more when you don’t feel like it. This does not mean in math class. Silent singing is good, and try to sing out loud at least once a day.

5. Am I going to have to haunt y’all to keep everybody laughing? If I have to, you know I will.

6. New visitors are going to come join y’all. Welcome them with open arms.

7. Make new friends, keep the old ones. Get a new dog or cat as soon as you can, and always let one keep you.

8. Let love slip underneath closed doors, through tiny cracks in the wall, through your pores.

9. Remember: Y’all are so dear; each and every one of you makes it so easy to love you, as if anybody needed a reason.

10. Don’t push the La Luna (a river). You do not push a river.

11. Do not, and I repeat, DO NOT wash my seasoned cast iron skillet in soapy water. It must simply be wiped clean with an oiled paper towel. We must respect things tht help bring us good food from Mother Earth-wherever we live.

12. Most important of all: KEEP ON DANCING. Dance while you brush your teeth, dance when the sun shines, and dance under the moon. Oh, please be sure to dance in the light, dance in the streets. When life is happy, dance in the kitchen; when life is the roughest, dance in the kitchen. My dear holy family, dance for the good of the world.


From The Crowning Glory of Lily Ponder by Rebecca Wells.

The very best "Good News" for our times I have read in a long time

Received the following via a list serve that I read.
Jon Stewart is noted for his right on "comedy" reporting, the only news I really follow besides reading my local paper. Jon is excellent. I do not believe that this is an actual show but the author uses the format to be "right on!" about issues of the day. The theology is impeccable from where I sit. It reminds me of an author Fr. Joe....who wrote many books putting Jesus into historical situations and how he would live and respond.

Jon Stewart asks Jesus about Mosque Ground Zero

I woke up last night to the sound of laughing and realized I'd fallen asleep with the TV on. It was 3 AM and I knew it was Jon Stewart but I had to fumble around for my glasses to see who his guest was. Unbelievable! It was Jesus, in his robe and all. His nose was bigger than I thought, his skin a lot darker, but his eyes were more piercing than I'd ever imagined. It was like light came out instead of going into them.
John was making some joke about both of them being Jews and Jesus, after laughing harder than I thought he would, said quite seriously to Jon, "Yeah, that's one of the weirdest things, isn't it? How could they forget that?"
Jon was all over him with questions from the daily news. What was his take on the whole Mosque/Ground Zero fiasco? Jesus said he'd seen some newscasts on the story and couldn't believe the drama and fear it was bringing up. "They want to build a public building for prayer, education and community gathering. That's a good thing. A better thing perhaps, would be the construction of an interfaith building, There's room for everyone, and it's these distinctions between religions that's causing all the problems in the first place."

Jon looked incredulous. "An interfaith building??"
"Yes, a multi-tasking mosque, with a synagogue, chapel and meditation hall in it. A building where people of different faiths come together to make a better world together. That's the point of religion right? It's not about doctrine. It's a plan for action, an opportunity to be a communal force for good. Religion is just the map. Faith is the real adventure."
"I don't know...." said Stewart, making one of those funny mouth movements he does after hearing a strange idea.
Jesus pipes in, "What could be better in that spot than a building that represents, by its very structure, a coming together, a new vision that goes beyond religious borders? It's like taking a good idea and making it great. The real prophets of the day know this. Where are their voices? Why aren't you interviewing them?"

"Hmm, I thought I was," says Stewart, tapping his pencil on the desk.
"You know why you have border issues here? Because you believe the borders are real, like they MEAN something. Muslin against Christian, Mexican against American, Republican against Democrat--all those borders are made up. You put up walls to defend your ideas--and not even your OWN, but ideas passed down to you from someone else--and then you make other people look like demons. It's no wonder this country is in a state of collapse. You don't even get it how connected you are. You're like five fingers on a hand who think they're separate and make up reasons why not to get along."

Jon sat there with his mouth open.
"You're like children playing war games. You spend all your time, all your energy attacking the "other side" instead of realizing you need to bridge the two sides in order to get across to a higher level of thinking. Even news shows are at war. Look at how you make fun of FOX. What light does that add to the world? All the time you could be giving to real visionaries, all the ways you could be role-modeling good behavior, showing the audience how it really WORKS to bring great and opposing minds together, and you sit there poking fun at another station. That's really enlightened, isn't it?"

This was the first time I'd ever seen Jon Stewart speechless. He looked like an embarrassed 6th grader. No pencil tapping now. More like a puppy with his tail between his legs.
"What in the world are you people doing? The ones who call themselves "religious" are often the most immature, the most judgmental and intolerant. What is THAT about? That's exactly the opposite of what every religion teaches. And I mean EVERY religion," Jesus said, as he looked away from Stewart and spoke right to the camera.
"All the religions say two basic things," he said, holding up his fingers in a peace sign.

"First, there is no distance between you and this one you call God. God is the creative force behind all things. It's invisible, but you are the manifestation of it. I'm telling you, the Sistine Chapel should have been a mirror."
The audience laughs, but Stewart stares into those deep eyes of the Nazarene.
He goes on, " You are the eyes, the hands, the feet of that creative force. That energy is in you. It's called your breath." He holds up his index finger and taps on it a few times. "That's the first thing. Don't think there's some man out there pulling strings. Grow up. This civilization--if you can call it that--is YOUR creation. This earth, it is not a bunch of resources to be exploited. It is not to be owned. It is your mother, the womb that you sprang from. You are its consciousness, its neural cells. The whole earth is the organism that you belong to. You did not come down to earth, you came up from earth, as I did. Its well-being is in your hands. Can you be proud of what you're doing? Are you going to be the ones who kill it off, after all that talk about pro-life?"

Jesus was getting a little worked up, like that day he stormed through the temple turning over the merchants' tables. Jon cut to a commercial, "And we'll be right back to hear the 2nd basic thing from our guest tonight, ladies and gentlemen, the Jewish prophet Jesus of Nazareth. Stay tuned..." They were laughing about something when they returned from the commercial, Jesus stretched out in his chair with his long lanky legs covered by his tunic, his sandaled feet hidden under the desk.

"OK," Jon says, "You were saying there were two things. Let me see if I got this right. There's no bearded guy up there on a cloud. That God we talk about and fight over is the creative force inside us and around us? It's invisible and we're like....(a long pause) its shadow?"

"Not exactly," says Jesus. We're like the physical form of the same energy. The ice cube version of water or steam. Same elements, different form. The sea and the iceberg. You're all icebergs in the Sea of God," he said, half-laughing at his own quaint metaphor. "But the problem is you don't realize that underneath it all, you're all connected. There's just one big iceberg with a lot of tips. The truth is, you're Creation continuing the co-creation of Itself."
"Oh my," says Stewart. "Let's leave that discussion to Bill Moyers, What about number two? What's the number two thing we're supposed to know?"
Jesus holds up his two fingers again, tapping the tip of his middle finger. The camera zoomed in so closely on him I could see a scar on his forehead. "It's not so much what you need to know--that's part of the problem, all these peoples' belief systems. That's what gets you in trouble. No one has to believe in me to get to heaven. A...there is no heaven to get to and B, it's not what you believe but how you act that matters. If anyone learned anything from reading that Bible they should have picked up that one. There's 3000 references to helping the poor in there. But let me get back..."

"Yes," says Stewart. "The second thing.."
"The second thing is this: forget everything you ever learned in any holy book and just treat everyone like a brother and a sister. I mean that literally. If it were your brother coming across the border...your sister with cancer and no health care....your child unable to get an education....your mother with no food in her house. And even further, your brother who was gay or hated gays, your sister who was a corrupt politician, your brother who bombed an abortion clinic, your sister who got an abortion. What does it look like to love unconditionally? To bridge differences, to come together over what we can agree on? Can you get through one day without thinking you're better or less than another? That's the thing to strive for. That is living faithfully."

"But...but..." says Stewart. "What about the Tea Partyers, the terrorists, what about Fox News and hate crimes?"
"If you think they are so different from you, be the opposite of what you think they are and enact that powerfully in the world. Don't focus on who's wrong. Just be a greater force for good."

"Not focus on who's wrong? How could I do my show?"

"Exactly. Remember what Gandhi said? Be the change you want to see in the world?"
"Sure. I have that quotation on my refrigerator."

"Well, it's time to take it further. You're evolving as a people. You've come through the Dark Ages, the Middle Ages, the Renaissance, the wrongly named Period of Enlightenment. You're now in the Information Age. You are growing your consciousness. In the physical world, you have Olympic marathon trainers who run 10 miles or more a day. They spend every waking hour in training, eating the right foods, researching the right clothing and equipment, working out, following a discipline. And in the metaphysical world, the spiritual world, you have people doing the same--they are your mystics and prophets--engaging in spiritual practice, accelerating their wisdom, expanding their consciousness, transcending judgment and radiating love into the world. You might be in that category.,."

Stewart does one of his choking, ahem things, putting his hand over his mouth. "Out of the question," he says frankly. "I thrive on judgment."

"Good to know yourself. You're all evolving at different rates. In the fall, when you look at a maple tree, you see leaves that are green, yellow, orange and red. They don't all change at the same time. And that's what makes life exciting. You all know different things. That's why you need each other. Like that guy Ken Wilbur said, "You're all right, only partly so."

Stewart nods his head in agreement, tapping his pencil on the table again.
"But back to Gandhi. I agree with what he said, but I'll say it a different way, just to shake things up a bit, which I love to do. By the way, it'd make a great bumper sticker:

Be the God you want to see in the world."
"Oh-oh, sounds blasphemous to me," says Stewart.

"You know as well as I do, every good idea starts out as a blasphemy."
"OK, great, we're out of time," says Stewart, as the camera swings over for a shot of the audience. They're all standing, some crying and laughing at the same time, the most incredible look of collective awe I've ever seen. And Jesus walks over like Jay Leno and starts shaking hands with them. What a night!"


Jan Phillips
September 3, 2010

Three Things to be Grateful For

A beautiful day here in Lexington.
I slept in a little, got up read the paper, talked to my sister for an hour.
Took Donna who is looking at RCWP to the Spiritual Growth Network meeting which she enjoyed very much. The spiritual experience is diverse from OSB to shaman.

1. I am grateful for beautiful fall days with blue skies and pots of annuals still blooming.

2. I am grateful for circles of spiritual seekers coming together to share from their collective years of wisdom living in the Mystery who is God.

3. I am happy for a day free from challenging pain because of the degenerative arthritis in my lower back.

Many blessings in the week ahead, both personal and work.

Three Things to be Grateful For

Today is Thursday in Lexington, soon the world equestrian games will begin. The trees and grass are totally stressed by the drought. I doubt there will be spring flowers on the trees next year as the next two months are Lex's driest in a good year.

I am grateful for:

1. My Godmother Aunt Therese who called to see how I was doing with second opinions etc. I told her that I was thinking of moving to be near Lisa as my 70's are looking to be filled with surgeries, some less major some more. Plus who knows what health care issues will arise.

2. For my first water aerobics class at the YMCA. I think I must be very diligent about not bending at the waist. So I could not do all the exercises but I got out of the water and my legs were like jelly! So I had a good work out.

3. For Peace vigilers all over the world who since 9/11 have come together week after week to say "no to war."

I have periods when my lower right side and leg really are filled with discomfort. Some shooting pains but I can't predict when that will happen, that is what move causes them. I have trouble falling asleep because I can't get comfortable at night. I take and Advil and natural muscle relaxers which help eventually. I think of my mother frequently as she suffered from arthritis and Paget's bone disease. I feel exactly like her when I am so stiff and can't move. It was genetics that got me here but I know I am more like mother emotionally and physically than I ever thought for all the years I said, "I don't want to be like her" I know I am very much like her. So I seek healing and peace for both of us.

And this is Why Rome Ordered the Investigation of the Nuns.

The good Sisters of many orders taught us the vision of Vatican II for the People of God with their lives. Many Orders only in the USA are under official investigation by Rome. An opinion of one of them is this commentary on Rome equating women's ordination with pedophilia. I have removed her name from the article.

New list of 'grave crimes' belies intent

It is regrettable that the crime of clergy sexual abuse of minors was linked with the issue of women’s ordination in the Vatican’s recent revised list of “more grave crimes.” No matter how much Msgr. Charles Scicluna, the promoter of justice at the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, claims that these revised norms “send a clear signal that the church is serious about protecting children and punishing abusive priests,” the linking of these two unrelated issues seriously undermines the intended strong stance on clerical sexual abuse on at least three counts.

First, it appears to be a diversionary tactic, deflecting attention away from the seriousness of the crime of clerical sexual abuse of minors. To many, it will once again seem to be an attempt at cover-up on the part of the hierarchy.

Second, the fact that punishment is more severe for priests who support women’s ordination (excommunication) than it is for priests who rape children (no excommunication) again appears to mask the seriousness of sexual abuse. What moral grounds can possibly justify milder punishment for committing sexual sins against children than for believing that women, created in the image and likeness of God, can validly represent the risen Lord in the faith community?

(Furthermore, the timing of this extremely negative decree on the ordination question reflects a rather callous insensitivity to the feelings of Catholic women, already in deep pain over the official ban placed on discussion of the topic. Are we to believe that all this is truly inspired by the Holy Spirit?)

Third, this soft-pedaling of the sexual abuse issue will seriously weaken the teaching voice of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith. As our official teachers and guides, they are to adhere to the centuries old principle of sensus fidelium and listen to the people they are called to serve. If they were doing so, they would hear the pain of the victims of clerical sexual abuse without obfuscating the issue by linking it with the topic of women’s ordination.

For those of us who love our church, it hurts to see the already eroded credibility of church leaders become even more eroded by this apparent glossing over of the heinous crime of sexual abuse of children.

Furthermore, it is disheartening to see the teaching authority of our leaders undermined by their own actions which seemingly distort the Gospel message of Jesus.

May I point out respectfully that the treatment recommended by Jesus for those who scandalize little ones was fastening a great millstone around their neck and having them drowned in the depth of the sea (Mt. 18:6; Mk 9:42; Lk. 17:2), while in selecting proclaimers of the all-important good news of the resurrection, Jesus chose women.

This is more evidence for me that substantiates the rightness of our becoming ordained at this time. We must speak truth to power.

Three Things to be Grateful For

Today was the perfect late summer day in Lexington. Sunshine, in the 70's nary a cloud in the sky.

I continue to get feedback from folks for/against fusion surgery. I have my appointments so I will go through the process of collecting information and following what my body says. I appreciate that everyone is saying, "It is your body; you have to do what works for you." Right now if I sit for any length of time I am totally stiff when I try to get up. My right leg feels weak oftentimes. I am hoping PT can help with that.

1. I am grateful for beautiful sunshine days.
2. I am grateful for friends who share their experiences with back surgery.
3. I am grateful for bouquets of flowers that grace my table with the bright beauty.

At the Spiritual Group Network tonight I told my story and everyone had something to say, a paradox as Ray said, "Listening to the troubles, makes me feel better." I told him that it was helping him relativize or put into context what he was feeling. I think he struggles with regret over what he had done earlier in life. Don't we all have things we judge, "I wish I hadn't done that, I would change it if I could."

I am happy for each day, I have times in the day when my body is comfortable. It is enough. I enjoy immersing myself in the beauty of creation and that means I am one with the Creator who made it all, humans, flowers, sun, moon, stars and universes without end. The First Day of Creation is happening throughout the universes.

Three Things to be Grateful For

I am grateful for:

1. Friends who walk the spiritual journey with me.
2. AlAnon and the good the meetings do in supporting emotional and spiritual growth.
3. Beautiful fall-ish days in September. A visit to the Farmer's Market brought a beautiful bouquet of flowers to grace my table this week.

Attended an Inspiring AlAnon Meeting This Morning.

I attend a meeting/called "room" for Al Anon each Sat morning here in Lexington.
Today was exceptional.

The format is the reading of the 12 steps, a short reading or presentation by a facilitator and opening the floor for sharing amongst the 30 members present. This morning was intense for the first person who shared spoke of her children, her ex spouse and the lies he is telling. Her child is struggling in school. She wept so hard that I could not hear all her words. We knew she was in great pain and suffering from his attacks. I was not the only person crying in the room by the time she completed her sharing.

Some of the sharing:
1. The need to detach in love to protect oneself.
2. What the alcoholic does is on "his side of the street."
3. Codependency may continue after divorce.
4. A sharing that made us laugh "I am so in need of helping the other. One day I found an 80 year old man and gave him an enema" Our faces I am sure expressed our "What??" She responded with "I am a RN" We laughed with a whole lot of relief!
5. Children are resilient if given the chance, support and information.
6. One mother shared how she helped her six year old express and discuss her anger.
7. Miracles occur: one woman's ex is now sober 21 months and good father to his 3 daughters.
8. Over and over sharing included the need for trust in our God/higher power, not only our higher power, but that of each of our family members. God has a plan for each person's life and we must not get in the way.
9. Over and over the role of a sponsor working with the AlAnon member was affirmed and thanks were shared.

God is present in each of our lives. For me it is the God of Evolution, calling us forth to create a more human life and species. AlAnon is a very supportive process for finding our true selves in the midst of chaos and living our very best selves. Thanks to Bob and Bill the founders of AlAnon and to his wife who founded AlAnon.

My health care needs: Three Surgeries in my Future II

I have begun to do research about the condition of my back and hip.
I believe that as this back problem is not life threatening I want to explore all options, timing, effects on myself.

I am looking into the possibility of moving to Tampa to be near my daughter not only for this surgery after care but because I can see two more surgeries: hip replacement and cataract surgery probably within the next 5 years. I want to get into the medical system that I will be busy using it looks like in my 70's.

Get to know the services available, find decent housing, build a support network via CTA and RCWP. I love the green of KY but I need to know Lisa would be able to oversee my care if needed.

I have appointments with my internist,integrative medicine MD to ask him, "What do I need to know/find out? What would he recommend to his mother?"

I have an appointment with the surgeon for CT results and more questions.

I have an appointment with a Rehab MD to see what I should be doing now to maintain health and what should I do after surgery to maintain health.

Where is God?
God is with me and in me and all the medical professionals whom I will meet.
God is with me in the caring office staff, the medical technicians and all others who are kind to this Senior.

I am grateful to God for my life till now and for the blessings of each day!
It sounds like the surface but I ask you to do a Fourth Step exercise:
For each letter of the alphabet, name something your are grateful for.
I think the exercise will take you deeper into thankfulness for many things that we take for granted.

Three Things to be Grateful For

I spent time on the Fourth Step out in the beautiful woods and hills of East Central Ky this morning. I am grateful for:

1. A flock of wild turkeys that was in the gravel road back to my friends' home in the woods.

2. For ironweed, a beautiful royal purple prairie flower that can grow up to 10 feet tall. And butterflies love it. I took photos today to remember its beauty as I had never seen it in MI, IL or VA or on any travels across America.

3. For Kroger and its baked whole chicken, so easy to pick up and eat!

Getting Older

I am reading a book called the Spiritually of Aging by Bianchi. I started it because a friend asked me to create a ritual around "The Blessings in Diminishment."

I am slowly collecting bible verses, information about the challenges of aging and God, I guess to get me in the right mind, let me become aware of the diminishment within my own body.

I want to meet with Paschal to see what he has in mind. I really do want to do this before I leave Lexington Nov. 1. I'll keep you posted

Three Things to be Grateful For

I took a "quiet day" after my medical news of yesterday. It was good to hear from my sister and daughter checking in to see how I was doing.

I spent time working on a report for the MFSO board.
I spent time reading a murder mystery.
I spent time working on my will with a lawyer over the phone. With possible surgery on the horizon I thought I best get busy and write one.
I spent time reading emails of support from friends. Five persons had had back fusion surgery. All agreed that it has made a positive difference.
I walked the garden at UK but I could not finish the last circle of the cloverleaf, my right leg was hurting and my lower back was hurting. Portent of things to come.
Thinking I might move to FL to be near my daughter Lisa as my lease is up Nov 1.
I thought I could get settled in and possibly have the surgery in the new year.

Where is God? God is with me as I have always known even in an abusive relationship as I struggled to find the light within. God is with me through medical professionals, through caring notes from friends, the love of my daughter.

For this day I am thankful to be alive, to be cared for, to feel the warm air on my skin as I walked this evening. It is enough, I have journeyed far spiritually and if God wants to call me home, I will say as my dad did, "I sure would like to stay but I am ready."

My health care needs: Three Surgeries in my Future

Dear friends,

I wanted to let you know about the results of my tests (and a CT scan to go).

I met with the neurosurgeon today in Lexington and Dr S. reported:

1. What is happening is the result of degenerative scoliosis/osteoarthritis.

2. The good news-your right hip is not ready for a transplant yet “orthopedists wouldn’t be interested” but is probably the source of some pain you are feeling. Has some “deterioration on the femur head.”



3. The bad news- “I recommend surgery to fuse your L2, 3, 4 vertebrae together and do some improvement in the scoliosis”

So…here I am at almost 68 facing a major medical decision that will impact on the rest of my life.

The CT is scheduled for the end of September. For some reason Dr. S did not find all the info he wants via the MRI, so…

I will seek a 2nd opinion.

Gather information about pros/cons of this surgery, lasting effects of the surgery.

Dr S said, “When you can’t stand the pain, you will schedule surgery or you are thinking of your back 24/7 or you are limited in what you can do.”

But the extent of the deterioration has him ready to do the surgery now.

Sure didn’t look good on the MRI.



Of course, nothing a surgeon can do will stop the continual degeneration due to arthritis.

The surgery will repair what it can, it is not a cure.

I ask you prayers, good thoughts, healing light and wisdom to discern the way forward in my medical care.

Send me any resources about such surgery or contact for folks who have undergone it.

The Last Sunday of Summer/Next Week is September and Labor Day

I experienced two types of community today.

First the gathering of a small Eucharistic community which I started here in Lexington before Christmas in 2009. I have tried to meet once a month but life has not permitted us so today was our 4th time. About 12 of us (including one man) gathered in a home of a woman who has taken care of her quadriplegic son for 30+ years at home, alone. She is beginning to think of his placement in alternative living arrangements. There comes a time when we cannot do what we did when younger. I ask God's guidance for B.

I learned that Michael Crosby Franciscan who wrote about the dysfunctional RCC is now speaking out for women priests. I had not heard of his taking such a position, I will have to check. A young woman attended who is seriously considering putting herself forward as a candidate for RCWP. She has a Masters in Pastoral Studies, lives in Lexington and a new hospice chaplain. I think she will be an excellent priest for the community should she choose to do.

Our readings and reflection focused on "Who do I invite to the table?" I addressed the Shadow side of ourselves-that which has been suppressed by family, culture, church. The shadow aspects can be negative or positive. I said, "My opposites were being a victim or being empowered. I came to consciousness at WRAMC, stopped being a victim and empowered myself." Been on the journey since then to empowerment as a daughter of God." They appreciated my story. The dialogue homily turned to the times the RCC turned away family, friends from receiving the Eucharist. The great hurt that has been caused by the Pharisee rules that Jesus railed against.


I feel that I need to study more to be able to add more to the homilies. Although being open to the Spirit speaking is the most important for me. I need time in prayer. I feel that I have to study all the time to make up for being lost for so many of my years.


In the evening I attended an open AA meeting here in Lexington. The speaker a woman in her 40's told her story of starting to drink when she was 15 (ACOA), knowing by the time she reached college that if she didn't quit she would be dead by 30. She and her spouse helped each other to sobriety and she hasn't had a drink in 20 years.
Her story had many poignant moments but I will tell one.

A couple of years ago, her mother was healthy, came home from Fl and became ill. Never diagnosed with an illness she died in six months. The storyteller was heartbroken. Before her mother died she would repeat the phrase, "It is what it is." Her daughter took it to mean that she was accepting of her own death, couldn't change it. On the first anniversary of her death the storyteller was in SC on vacation. She was full of grief and wanted a sign that all was well, "Mom, I need your help." The family went down to the beach and on the wharf she looked to her right,"There was a fishing boat and its name was "It is what it is." The storyteller knew her mom was okay and had sent her a sign. One for the emotional-spiritual books. Synchronicity or a mother's love for her daughter.

A community is created by the people who gather. AA and the 12 step programs are all about the spiritual journey and their stories tell of "their higher power" who loves them and provides for them. And so it is true with our stories.

Blessings everyone as you start your week.

MRI on Monday 8/30

I sit here at the computer wondering what the future holds for myself and ministry. I must go to the neurosurgeon on Monday for a MRI. For the last two years I have had intermittent pain in my lower back-right side below the waist and now episodes of numbness each day. It is time for me to find a diagnosis and prognosis before I take on a ministry that I might not be able to carry out fully.

Don't know the cause but maybe a permanently slipped disk? arthritis of the spine? injury to disk or vertebrae itself? Not sure but it wears me down each day by evening.

I think of the value of suffering and having experienced so much emotional and spiritual suffering in my life I do not want to have to experience physical pain also if I do not need to do it. I am not big into pain of any kind. I was hoping that I would have my "golden years" to minister as a RCWP, they may not happen.

I have held fetuses in my hand and baptized them so I know how blessed I have been to live almost 68 years. Active and able to travel, to experience new things. I am ready for what ever the MRI shows.

Say a prayer for my good health especially for my lower back.
Blessings,
katy

Three Things to be Grateful For

It is a beautiful day in Lexington today in the low 80's.
Went to the regular Thursday Peace Vigil, RM couldn't find a parking space, he waved to us from his car as he drove by our corner of Broadway and Main. Traffic horrendous between the road repair and students in town and regular 5 PM traffic.

I am grateful for
1. Being able to offer support to a friend whose husband just asked her for a divorce after 34 years of a relationship. (Dow and I divorced after 32 years, #$it happens.)

2. Grateful to the Rite-Aid clerk who gave me a roll of quarters so I can do laundry tomorrow morning and don't have to go to the bank first! Alleluia for random acts of kindness.

3. Grateful to the Fed Ex clerk who helped me do a back/front copy. When I do I know I needed one upside down but just couldn't place it correctly.

Three Things to be Grateful For

Spent time on the MFSO Transition Team Board call.
Good to be with peacemakers even if it is on the phone.

I am grateful for:

1. Military families that speak for peace even while caring for their soldiers. I don't feel alone when I am on the phone with them.

2. Birds that sing in the morning. Maybe on their way South already?

3. Walking in the arboretum at the end of the day. Lots of students out some jogging, some with pets. Lots of folks and families. Thank goodness there is still "a commons" to be found in the community. The Children's Garden is almost ready. There will need to be some planting done but it is looking good with paths threaded throughout I would say a 2 acre plot. I know it will be very pretty next spring. Part of me wonders if I will be here to see it or have moved to another place.

Three Things to be Grateful For

Today I seemed to get farther behind.
Started the day by going to an appointment for a skin check which I did not have.
Thought I could do my work for MFSO on line and lost all my directions.

I am grateful for

1. Newspaper in the morning that I read while I eat breakfast. Seems like I have done this all my life, from the Detroit Free Press, to Roanoke Virginia's paper, Chicago Tribune and now Herald-Leader of Lexington KY.

2. For AlAnon that shows another way through sharing our lives, the suffering and the triumphant of learning and using new behaviors.

3. For the crepe-myrtle still blooming after all summer and the pink single roses that every one uses to line driveways and parking lots and every where in Lexington.

The Injustice in the System-Education

One of the folks who was homeless, now in an apartment, wanted to start college this fall. She had an outstanding student loan. Somehow there is money from an account to pay that loan. However that guardian did not make any payments, so she could not get any further financial aide to start this fall! When she went to school this morning to pick up books, she was told where it stood financially.

When the system doesn't work, the poorest of the poor are those who suffer the most. My hear went out to her but there is nothing she nor I can do. If 6 payments are made by December she can start school next semester.

Keep her in your prayers that she might get into school in a timely manner.
Keep all who are struggling in this economy in your prayers.

Three Things to be Grateful For

This has truly been a blessed day.

I am grateful for:
1. Being able to take one of the players for "Don't Call Me Homeless, I Don't Call You Homed" to rehearsal at the Downtown Art Center on Main Street. She only has a walk-on part but it is important. The play will be given Fri and Sat night. A couple of folks will have to bare down real hard to learn their lines. I hope they have mics as a couple of folks have very soft voices. Ginny gave me a small part playing one of those who give out lunches to those who come. We also will give out lunch to each person in the audience (a secret). There will be publicity in the Weekender here and I will post.

2. It was cool in the arboretum for my walk this evening. The paths were much more full as the students and families are returning to Lexington. Not sure if class has started yet.

3.I had time to begin to add addresses to my Microsoft email program. I am trying to transfer everything in so can use for an address book. My old sheets are actually wearing away.

Three Things to be Grateful For

Today is Monday after a full weekend.
I am grateful for

1. Homemade fried rice with bacon and all the veggies I am not allergic to like corn, onions,carrots, and lima beans. I make a large batch, then freeze in 1 cup servings so all I have to do is unfreeze and eat! Yummy.

2. My YMCA membership via AARP Medicare Supplemental. It is so nice to be able to go to the Y to work out. It is a blessing of this city that two Y's are only 30 minutes away from me.

3. A friend who came over today to help me learn downloading from my digital. We ran into a problem in that we made folders instead of files and I can't upload from a folder to FaceBook. So Rikka will have to come back, hopefully soon.

Today the weather was very warm but without the humidity really doable! I was in all day until the late afternoon. I headed to the post office where the nicest woman waited on me. She has the patience of a saint. A young woman had used priority tape to seal her envelope, "You can't use it except for Priority Mail" (expensive) She helped the customer take the tape off and then used her bottle of glue to seal the envelope for her. All the time a pleasant expression on her face. I thought I can't imagine putting up with postal customers with odd behaviors for 8 hours straight. God bless her and all who work for the postal service.

Three Things to be Grateful For

Today is Sunday "the day of rest"
I am grateful for
1. Time to sit on the couch and read the Sunday paper, from cover to cover, go to the web find the article and send it to Face Book for friends to read.

2. My eyesight. One of my married priest mentors told us at the Spiritual Network Group when we met. "I am legally blind, I can no longer drive." It is hard for Paschal as he has beaten cancer, had knee replacements, heart trouble and still powered on like the energizer bunny. Now this and he can no longer take story telling hours with the elementary school children, his retirement passion. Paschal was a marriage counselor for years, taught college, raised a family, stayed a Benedictine. He asked me to help create a ritual for "Blessings of diminishment." Don't know what we will find but I will do it out of love for this man and preparation for my own times of diminishment to come.

3. AlAnon meetings and their lessons for me as an ACOA. To really look at my own behaviors and attitudes. Busy with the Fourth step, a blessing.

Three Things to be Grateful For

Today I am grateful for

1. The ability to see a wonderful movie "Eat, pray, love" by E. Gilbert the movie is about an authentic search for oneself. "Give it all up" and fly. Do read the book first.

2. Rain falling on a parched earth. All day as I drove around rain was falling somewhere near. At about 6 PM it finally started to rain in Lex. May it continue!

3. Money to buy a book for a friend. "Eat,Pray and Love" by Gilbert. My friend Margaret said she had never read the book but couldn't stand the author from all the hype. I said, "you need to read the story which is her spiritual journey." So...after the movie I purchased the book and soon it will be on its way.

Sat with AlAnon

Today is Saturday and I attend a weekly AlAnon meeting. The discussion centered around the experiences of mothers who must balance "control/responsibility" Some have young adult children who are suffering from addictions and the "Let Go, Let God" of AlAnon serves them well.

A woman has an adult son who is just out of jail.
She read her journal and he is doing what he did 5 years ago.
Only today did she realize that her behavior had not changed at all in the past 5 years. She was happy to be in AlAnon and "it's all about me. Cause that is who's behavior I am responsible for and can control." She encouraged each of us to keep a journal.

One of the women said, "When you interfere in the consequences of the alcoholic's actions, you prolong the path he/she is on." Or some call this behavior "enabler." AlAnon teaches, "I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, I can't control it but I can contribute to it."

I find that being in AlAnon is like doing the daily Examen of the Jesuits. What did I do wrong today? What can I change in it? What did I do right? Just like the AA program it is "Just for today." Or as Tolle's book suggests, "Live in the Now" as that is all we have. Take action for the immediate situation; the past is over, the future is unknown.

We are not called to live the life of Jesus, we are called to live our own unique life and to find our path and to contribute who we are to the world. Jesus is our model of reaching for the reign of God but we are not Jesus, I am Katy a grandmother and RCWP. I must live the life God planned for me! One of growth in who I am and loving compassion in the world.

Three Things to be Grateful For

Today was another very hot day. The local paper's headline was, "Climate Decline." I do not know how to raise the level of consciousness for humanity. Al Gore tried, won a Nobel but humanity would rather destroy itself for short term profits for a few. I think this is idolatry of the worst kind. To destroy all life on a planet while seeking only "what I want."

I am grateful for

1. Everyone on the crew and donors that are creating a "Children's Garden" at the arboretum. I walked the meandering path inter-spaced with sections with prints of animals and children.

2. The Catholic Action Center, Eric, Georgia, Marjorie and all the members of the "Preakness Players" who are practicing so hard to present a play in two weeks entitled, "Don't call me homeless, I don't call you home." It has two nights already scheduled and hope to keep presenting to the community! I will help out back stage, front where ever I am needed. I am so excited for them.

3.I went to the neurosurgeon's today for a check in about the pain in my lower back. My physician Dr. Roach would not order the MRI because his office felt that Medicare would not approve it. So he referred me to Dr. Scott whose receptionist was very insistent "Why did you come in without X-Rays?" I explained the story, told her what my insurance was and said, "I have had lower back pain for two years! I want and need to know what is going on!" Then she asked, "Do you have regular Medicare?" "Yes!" She returned to Dr. Scott. He came in a couple of minutes later, bending me like Dee PA in Dr. Roach's office, put me through the same paces on the table, bending my legs, etc. He asked me about the pain, I told him. Dr. S said, "Well, I think we will start with an X-Ray of your hip, then a MRI(scheduled for 8/30)"

I am grateful that I was fighting for health care reform and continue to do so. Dr. S and I got into a discussion on health care reform. He knew the system was broken but didn't know what to do except not wanting "socialized health care." We left the appointment with Dr. S saying, "Come back and we will continue to talk politics and health care." I had told him about the 30% for-profit health care takes from services. I told Dr S about the exorbitant salary the CEO of Manor Care made while we were cutting services for our hospice patients.

Three Things to be Grateful For

Today I am grateful for
1. A computer that works well so that I might create blogs, surf the net, do email, write a journal.

2. AARP's decision that to support wellness in we seniors, their insurance plan for supplemental Medicare B includes a membership to the YMCA. I try to visit at least 3 times a week.

3.Air conditioning as the temps have been over or near a 100 degrees since July. I am afraid of my AC bill but it is wonderful to keep the apartment at 80 and feel cool when I enter!

Today I worked with Nikki the MFSO organizer to learn their Google group account. I am now on the Board of MFSO, a regional representative, and on the transition team to restructure the board. After the hour long call I headed out to the Thursday Peace Vigil in downtown Lexington at 5:30. Today we got a surprise! They are repaving our corner and we stood in a hole! What a hoot. We laughed and said, "This is no mountain top, but we stand here proud." The vigil has been going since the start of the Iraq war.

Let us pray and work for peace each day of our lives. The God of Evolution does not want to have the children of God kill one another for political ends.

Three Things to be Grateful For

Today another hot one in Lexington.
I am grateful for
1. Having a great sponsor and working on my 4th Step of the AlAnon program. Three attributes today anger, resentment, and control. When married I was always angry, resentful and had no control over my life as a wife. Today I am at peace, knowing to let God be God and control my own life. I have no anger nor resentment.

2. Being able to walk in the arboretum in the evening. Cooling down and didn't need to carry a bottle of water. Felt so free.

3. Able to work on my computer, answer emails, Face Book, search for and write material.

Three things to be grateful for

For this past weekend, I am grateful for

1. For being with friends who continue their spiritual journey even as we relinquish our younger selves and face the challenges of aging. We are in the twilight years of our lives.

2. For an apartment with AC as today the temperature in my car when I opened the door was 106 degrees.

3.For being able to gather today with MoveOn.org folks to express our anger at the decision of Citizens United that declared corporations people with all the rights of free speech. We used our today.

A Weekend with Friends

I spent this past weekend in VA with two long time friends from the days we all lived in VA. Two of us have two children, one of us had six. We met in A's home in Richmond to catch up. The first time we three had gathered since I left VA in 1996. I have changed the initials to protect their privacy. I share this reunion because I want to write of how the God of Evolution works in our lives, even when hidden from our own consciousness. We each are Jungian Intuitive Feelers (NF's) and I argue that is why we have lived the lives we have. For NF's are the People Possibility personalities, we know we can do it, we are never done discovering who we are. Even though we came from impoverished childhoods, suffering abuse we have never given up on God's presence in our lives.

Each of us is a strong women raised in the RC faith or our parents and grandparents. Two of us are now ordained, myself and B who is an Interfaith Minister. Two of us grew up in rural settings, myself in MI and B in VA. A grew up in the city. As Fowler said, "The last step in our faith development is to move beyond the institution that introduced us to meaning and the spiritual life. As adults we follow our mature individualized conscience." All three of us have done just that on our spiritual and emotional journeys. For all of our lives we have been prayerful women searching ever deeper into who we are before God. All of us believe that God resides inside of each human being equally.

We started our marriages with hope and raised our children in our faith as we knew it after Vatican II. Lisa my daughter attends mass each Sunday with her family, my son left the RCC when he was 16 and attends none. None of A's children attend the RCC. B did not address the faith life of her children except to say she officiated at the marriage of her daughter. A priest was also present. (I had the fantasy that Jason and Jodi would ask me to officiate at their marriage but our relationship is broken)

Lots of looking at photos and sharing stories of grandchildren and children. Our visits with them whether annually at the beach or Sunday dinners to catch up on their comings and goings. Our hopes and dreams for them and how they have chosen to live their own adult lives and their own passions and dreams. The Web of Life that binds the generations together and "friends in faith" together.

Each of us now divorced (two of us) or separated from those spouses we had when we lived in the same town. We were strong enough to change or leave an abusive marriage as spiritually painful as this would be. I pray for healing of each of us from the trauma of our marriage relationships. Each of our spouses could not grow because they could not acknowledge and ask for healing for their own spiritual and emotional suffering. Our spouses created families where others suffered their pain.

Today we are in our 60's and one in her 70's, we spent the time assessing how we were doing physically as one of us is becoming more disabled with more chronic illnesses being found. Each of us now has a "physical complaint" that marks as Old Seniors, one a major nerve issue, myself my lower back, A diabetes and other aging problems. We discussed "What will happen as we continue the aging process?" Each of us counts on a child being near us to oversee our health care and help or help us find aid to be independent as long as we can. B studies the policies of long-term care and hopefully we will reap the benefits of her writing and research.

I learned this visit that each of us suffered sexual abuse as a child. Two of us had siblings that watched the abuse. Abuse that I believe unconsciously and unhealed helped shape our relationships with men. We lived with men who abused us emotionally as we were as children. All three of us are celibate and do not seek a relationship with men.

We need to continually reach out to the women in our circles who have been abused and continually praying for their healing. We need to protect our children and grandchildren and all the children of our circles from abuse.

One of the sites we visited while in Richmond was the home of Maggie Walker, the first African-American woman bank president. She was born immediately after the Civil War and lived until 1934. Her biography is "A Right Worth Grand Mission:Maggie Lena Walker and the Quest for Black Economic Empowerment" by Gertrude Woodruff Marlowe. Her home in now a Historic place protected by the National Park Service and is well-worth the tour and museum talk.

Three Things to be Grateful For

Three things I am grateful for:

1. A neighbor who will take care of my plants while I am away.

2. A friend who calls "to check in on how you're doing" and a wonderful Godmother who cares for me. She gives unconditional love to me.

3. A therapist who "is a friend who walks beside me as I explore my emotional and spiritual life." Seeking to be healed of the wounds of childhood and life.

Three Things to be Grateful For/Fourth Step

I love doing these three "I am grateful for"

1. I am grateful to be working on the 4th step of the AlAnon program and have a good sponsor to work with.

2. I am grateful for a lawyer who read my lease and clarified the ending date for me. I may be able to leave prior to November 1 should I find a place in DC or Chicago.

3. For food fresh from the garden. My friend Ann cooked lunch from rice, Swiss chard, beans, squash-a funny round ball, and peppers from the garden. Wonderful meal way out in Estill county KY in a community called Irvine. I could not believe how remote their 126 acre homestead is.



Working on the 4th step
I believe that the spiritual-emotional continuum is one. When we work to understand ourselves we are freeing ourselves from past learned behavior.
AlAnon is a 12 step, self-help group therapy exploring our own woundedness and choosing to change my behavior because:

The Serenity Prayer
God (as I understand God)grant me the serenity
to accept the things I can not change (another's behavior/attitudes)
Courage to change the things (my own behavior and attitude) I can
and wisdom to know the difference.

(italics, my additions to prayer)

The 4th step is from the AA Big Book and is a part of a spiritual process of healing the wounds of our lives as we act them out in our interactions with others. I encourage all who have an addict of any kind in their family system, he/she may be living or dead to attend AlAnon meetings. We have been influenced by the people we have relationships with.

The 4th Step is an inventory of my characteristics, behaviors, attitudes. "Step Four is an exercise in perception, a way to distinguish between what works in our lives and what is no longer necessary...For many of us the more information we learn about ourselves in a broad range of categories, the better we can understand who we are and how we got this way." Being an ACOA, I have learned dysfunctions resulting in behaviors that hurt myself and others and repression/non expression of feelings. As I have said before, those actions the scriptures call "sin" I believe are these behaviors and if we stay unconscious we cannot change the behavior.

Here is the nutshell discussion of the attributes covered today;
1. Honesty-I have trouble speaking my truth in conversation. I am "wobbly in my skills" This arises because I was not able to be honest in my childhood and during my marriage. My parents could not teach what they did not know. My spouse could not share what he did experience in his own feelings. I lived a marriage that was a lie emotionally and spiritually. Now I am trying to bring my life into congruency: values I hold dear I want to live them in the external world. In my marriage relationshi9p I did not live my values of equality for women and care of children. The RCC oppresses women, I took a stand for justice for women by becoming a RCWP. I want to be more active for peace and justice making.

2. Self-worth Self-worth arises from affirmation in childhood and continues throughout life. Again this is an issue I have struggled with all of my life. We are told "You are a beloved child of God." Yet if we have not experienced support and care in the world, we will not have self worth as an adult.

I need to listen for positive feedback from my behavior in groups. I have received affirmation after my RCWP ordination from all whom I meet. It is the first time in my life that others have affirmed an action I have taken or a behavior.

3. Fear Fear "Many of us who lived with alcoholism became intimately acquainted with fear...in AlAnon we learn that fear is nothing more that a lack of faith, and that by developing our faith we can have courage beyond our expectations...We begin to understand what we did, and that leads to compassion for who we used to be. Our growing awareness about the truth of our situation points us toward freedom. We may have fear...but we are shown we can acknowledge our fear and remain free to live life anyway, under the care of our Higher Power." "Instead of expending my energy on living my life, I focused almost exclusively on avoiding pain, stuffing disturbing feelings, and keeping myself as numb as I could." (How AlAnon Works, P 154)

I lived my life in fear until I walked into Walter Reed and gave control over to God. Jason would live or die, it was in God's hands. My consciousness was raised, I could give my whole self over to God and live without fear. And so I have. I have the freedom to respond to God in the now, not past nor future but today.

Three things to be grateful for

I had a good day today. Easy going but fruitful.
I spent my time in prayer-scriptures, liturgy of the hours.
Cleaning out and trying weed out what I don't want to move if that happens.

I am grateful for:
1. Public libraries-part of the "socialism" of America. I gave books back, took out books and music to listen to as I drive to Richmond VA.

2. Baked sweet potatoes-had one for lunch, full of vitamins, I added cinnamon for taste today. Have to use less brown sugar.

3. Computers for writing journals, blogs, email, Face Book. Great when they work.

Three things to be grateful for

I attended a AlAnon meeting on Sat morning, "Never alone at 9" It is a based on the 12 steps and the AA Big Book is used. In the sharing, this statement was made,

"When fear is released, freedom awaits."
I had never thought of it in this way.
Yet I know when I arrived at Walter Reed I was fearful, anxious, and depressed. I arrived at WR and my fear left me.
I was free to tend to the needs of my very seriously injured son.
I was free to leave an abusive marriage.

With Jesus at my side I have come very far in my spiritual and emotional growth(they are one) since that day.

Freedom does come in when fear is released.
Freedom to be responsible for only my actions, feelings, thoughts as AlAnon teaches.
Freedom to know that only I am responsible for what happens with my life, no one else is.

Jesus is my Higher Power,
God walks with me as my brother and is the Truth deep within my soul.

One of the women said that each day before she goes to sleep she reminds herself of three things she is grateful for. Today I am grateful for
1. Having a nice apartment with a beautiful sunset outside.
2. Being at peace with not attending the oppressive RCC on Sunday. Instead as I do every day, I spend an hour reading the scriptures, saying the daily office, reading from AlAnon literature, and Tolle's book the Power of Now.
3. Attending the Spiritual Growth Network with mature adults who have journeyed far into who they are and who God is for them. One is a Hawaiian shaman, one is a Buddhist, two are married RC priests.

Waiting on God

I was ordained February 6, 2010. Since my ordination I have been waiting for God to give me a sign as to "What next for ministry?" I want to work for peace and justice but the question is where? Here in KY, DC, Chicago, somewhere else?

Two times I went to DC to attempt to find a place and two times I was unsuccessful. The latest because I cannot get out of my lease until 10/31 and the woman was looking for someone to move in Sept 1. In both Chicago and DC there are active peace and justice communities that I could be connected to. Here there is not an active community.

Attending AlAnon every Saturday, I listen to folks who have worked the 12 steps (same as for AA)and hear their stories and how their behavior has changed. Today the discussion was centered around "patience" and "knowing how to respond" yet not "planning" or taking action. God provides the means, the words whatever is necessary in the situation. Two experiences came to my mind:

I wrote on May 28 about my "feeling the need" to step into a situation where I believed I needed to take action. However the way the situation resolved itself had not one iota of a connection with my "stepping in" God provided the answer through the health care system and it had nothing to do with me. I stepped in and hurt family member feelings when if I had done nothing, no one would have been hurt and God would have provided the same results for my cousin Mike.

Today, I called a lawyer about getting out of my lease. The management company has it written that I must pay a penalty of two months rent: $1250 if I break the lease. Basically I think I must stay here until November 1to not pay the penalty. However, Steve will come over next week to read the lease and see if he agrees with my understanding. As soon as I hung up the phone, I got a call from a friend in Chicago who said, "The apartment you looked at is still open. The landlord is still working on it." I said, "I have a lawyer looking at the lease this week, I will call you back and let you know about the apartment."

In Jungian theory, synchronicity is an event over which I have no control yet it reinforces my emotional state or is an indication of what the universe would like me to do. Having these two phone calls back to back seems to indicate that "I will get out of the lease and that I am to head back to Chicago" where a reasonable cost apartment is waiting for me.

What makes me smile is that when I left Chicago I told friends, "I am only going on sabbatical. If God wills I will return." I think this is true, we will see what happens this week. Again, I don't have to take action, God opens doors.

Active Imagination: the Tiger

I wanted to write about my exploration of the energy within myself. This energy is the life of God within each person. In our evolution at the deepest level we are one with life "of being" yet we live in the world of separateness, of duality. In the book "The Power of Now" by Tolle he speaks of our challenge to let "all of mind" go except to experience the "being" which is our very self without human limitations. It is the life which exists when we die.

When I write, I think of the drop of the ocean which is separated as part of a wave breaking before it hits the shore. The droplet then returns to the ocean. I am not the first that uses this metaphor for life. Our lives are a droplet before we return to the "ocean of being" which is eternal, infinite and undifferentiated/without the dualism of experienced individual selves. If we come to consciousness, we know we are individual yet equally a part of the wholeness of consciousness and creation. We live and play our part in human evolution to become conscious of this oneness and letting go of all dualisms or opposites or the paradox.

As I have written earlier, the tiger is an ambivalent symbol: creation and destruction. I had wanted to work with this symbol in my PTSD session but Dr. S chose an earlier dream.

From Jung's work I knew I could re-enter the dream while conscious and continue to experience the tiger and myself. During my prayer time I settled into my chair with this intention "I will try to dialogue with the tiger" This is my experience.

I was back at the top of the ramp.
The tiger was coming toward me the same as in my dream except now a young girl was riding on his back.

I knew she was my inner child.
I began to weep and continued to do so throughout this experience.
I picked the child up and hugged her.
I got down on my knees and hugged the tiger.
I asked him "What do you need from me?" He gave no reply.

I thanked the tiger for bringing my childself to me.
I hugged him and patted his head.
We all walked out of the ramp together.
______________________________

I remembered that I had recently purchased a white tiger for my DIL Jodi as she likes the "big cats" the best of all. I never sent it to her and now I will keep it. Maybe that is why I like Jodi, maybe she also has the energy of the white tiger.

PTSD Therapy Journey Today

Again I share the depth of my journey so that you may receive courage and strength to follow your own path inward until you discover the truth of who you are as a daughter or son of God.

I had a dream about a tiger (with spots not stripes) and took it to the therapist as the dream symbol of a Tiger is "ambivalent" "creation and destruction" and as these were discovered to be the two polar opposites of psychic energy within me I wanted to address this energy.

I also told Dr. S about the dream from 2002 in which I saw a creature, neither man nor woman but wearing a white dress with spots, similar to the spots on the tiger.

We talked of many things but did not use the recent dream but the original dream as it held a lot of energy for me.

I was to stand in the room and see the image in my imagination. Extend my arm and put my finger in the center. I had difficulty but finally was able to see "the thing" as the dinosaur wearing the white dress. I turned around 3 times and my feeling was a strong curiosity of wanting to know about this image. He had me turn the other way around three times to check what would happen. The creature now became a young woman who was smiling. I felt joy and peace. So Dr. S concluded the work and I felt free of the energy of the image.

I will try to paint both the tiger and the creature one day. To honor them as archetypes of primal energy within me. I felt I have used the negative energy of the destroyer all of my life but not the energy of creating. So now it is time to create.

When we speak of sin, I believe the writers of the Jewish scripture were trying to describe these energies and how they were lived out in lives. The energy when one is unconscious is acted out "we often sin" not because we choose to do so but because of these psychic/spiritual energy with in expressing itself.

Getting To Know KY

Summer is a time for re-creation, re-newal, re-laxing. My sister Connie and long time friend Margaret drove down to KY last Sat to spend time exploring KY. I have had a very, very busy year while in Ky since moving May 1 2009.

Now I feel as if "Today is the rest of my life." I feel at the deepest center that I am at peace. I want my life to unfold as the God of Evolution wills it. Have I done what God has asked me to? This week was a break from all questions and time to explore the beauty that is KY.

I will randomly list the places we visited and my reflections.
1. We visited the KY Horse Park here in Lexington. A beautiful exhibit on the history of the horse is on display for the Equestrian games coming in Sept. The display includes many artifacts from the Middle East: actual horse equipment-saddles, bits etc. Clothes worn by TE Lawrence, better known as Laurence of Arabia. Many paintings of all things horse related. Wonderful exhibit and Connie and I spent about 2 hours there.

2. We attended an outdoor theater in the UK Arboretum, a production of "Pride and Prejudice" Wonderful play but hot and muggy the evening. Everyone enjoyed it even though we wondered at the ongoing light show Mother Nature provided to the West.

3. We visited, a first for all of us, Woodford Reserve, home of the "best bourbon" in Ky. We learned the making of whiskey and both Connie and Margaret purchased some bourbon products from whiskey to pancake syrup. I think we all enjoyed the bourbon ball candy the best.

4. We headed to Louisville and spent the evening aboard a dinner cruise. Very warm, gentle water and wind, a nice way to end a pleasing day. Can't say that ended the day for we headed to the famous Brown Hotel for a mint julep, for each of us our first one. At $12 a bit pricey but worth it! They really are refreshing. I bought a postcard with the recipe in case I ever get "wild and crazy"

5. Wednesday we put Connie on a plane and headed to a most wonderful modern museum called "21C Museum Hotel" This complex was designed by an architectural firm who re-plans city space. See: http://www.21chotel.com/hotel/default.aspx The first two floors are modern art museum. The piece de resistance for me was a tornado from the first to basement floor. It hangs loose in the space swirling all silver. It represents a killer tornado that hit Louisville in the 1970's and it contains pieces found after it passed.

6. Thursday we headed S to Glasgow KY to see Mammoth Cave and to stay at a historic B&B place. What is amazing the woman owner after they moved to the town from CA found out her family had come from Glasgow and moved out West! A lot of this small town is her family! She gave us a oral history of the house which was part of the underground railroad! It connected to two other homes in the city. The tunnels were closed and there are no plans to re-open at this time. We truly had a wonderful night sleeping among all the antiques they had brought with them from AZ where they had lived.

Margaret left early Sat morning to head to her home in MI ladened down with souvenirs and good memories. It was wonderful having my friend and sister for me for a week. I hope that we will be able to do it again! I give thanks to God for friendship and family.

Dream after therapy July 18

As I have written I have been in PTSD therapy so that I might be healed and be the best RCWP I can be with my gifts and knowing my limitations.

I had this dream:
It is day. I am in a repair shop. I am going to leave the service area by walking down a ramp. The ramp looks like it is made for people not autos. It has a cement floor and brick walls with windows of bricked glass, the kind you can't see through but let in light.

I start down and a white tiger with black spots that are hard to see is coming up the ramp with its tail swishing. I turn around and escape shutting the door and telling everyone, "A tiger is on the ramp." He gets out and everyone is in a panic.

I wake up.
__________________________________

I looked up the symbol "tiger: ambivalent, solar and lunar, creator and destroyer. A white tiger may symbolize the western region (where the sun sets), season of autumn, element of metal."

I certainly am in the autumn of my life heading toward 68 years of age. In my early sessions I wrote about the primes of my life being creator/destroyer. Here it is in a dream image. After this dream I notice a lessening of emotional and physical energy. I propose that I carried the energy of destruction and that gave me energy to live and force answers. Now I have released the anger/destruction and rest in a peaceful being of self.

I do not feel driven to accomplish/carry forth/change any more. I want to be who I am after a lifetime of striving. I want to be loving and kind to all whom I meet, that is enough for me. The question is, "If I have gotten energy from my anger/destructive self, where will I now get my energy?" How do I replace the energy of the tiger within

A Memorial for Fr. Bill Callahan, MD, 7-10-10

Rev. William R. Callahan Dies at 78; Dissident Who Challenged Vatican
By DOUGLAS MARTIN
Published: July 9, 2010

The Rev. William R. Callahan, a Roman Catholic priest and self-described “impossible dreamer” whose vociferous and organized opposition to Vatican policies prompted Jesuit officials to expel him from their order, died on Monday in Washington. He was 78.

The Rev. William R. Callahan

The cause was complications of Parkinson’s disease, said the Quixote Center, an organization that Father Callahan helped found to press for reforms in the church and society. It is independent of the church and based in Brentwood, Md. He lived there.

Like Cervantes’s fictional character who inspired the center’s name, Father Callahan tilted at windmills and never accomplished his major goals, the biggest of which was ordaining women as priests. But his spirited campaigns made him a thorn in the church’s side for a generation.

“Bill tried to be a prophetic voice in the church, a voice crying in the wilderness,” said the Rev. Thomas J. Reese, a senior fellow at the Woodstock Theological Center at Georgetown University.

Father Callahan remained a priest after his expulsion from the Jesuit order, the Society of Jesus, in 1991, but the church barred him from acting as one. Known widely as Bill, he still sometimes used the honorifics “Reverend” and “Father.”

He aggravated church officials during the American tour of Pope John Paul II in 1979 by imploring priests to refuse to help the pope in celebrating Mass. Father Callahan’s hope was that more lay women would then have to be enlisted to assist at the services.

When the pope that year insisted that barring women from becoming priests was not a human rights issue, Father Callahan replied, “Perhaps this is not a human rights issue because women are not human or they do not have rights.” He told The Washington Post in 1989 that he was simply “following the example of Jesus, who was never willing to shut up.”

In 1971, Father Callahan helped found the Center of Concern, an organization devoted to social justice issues. In 1975 he started Priests for Equality, to work for the ordination of women. He started the Quixote Center in 1976 with Dolly Pomerleau, who became a work partner of his for many years. They married days before he died.

The Quixote Center achieved particular prominence in its support of the leftist government of Nicaragua in the 1980s, a stance directly at odds with that of the Reagan administration. It raised more than $100 million in humanitarian aid for the Nicaraguan government.

Other projects included printing religious books in which language it viewed as sexist, racist and homophobic was expunged. Father Callahan himself wrote “Noisy Contemplation: Deep Prayer for Busy People” (1982), which called God a “merry” sort who viewed humans as entertainment.

In 1979, Jesuit leaders rebuked Father Callahan for his defiance of dogma, and by 1989 his Nicaraguan activities and liberal initiatives in the church, including a ministry for gay Catholics, had set off calls for his expulsion from the Jesuit order. He unsuccessfully fought the action, which he claimed was never explained.

Father Callahan remained active at Quixote and continued to preach to informal gatherings of dissident Catholics.

William Reed Callahan was born on Sept. 5, 1931, in Scituate, Mass. His mother was a Unitarian and his father a Catholic. His mother died when he was 6 months old, and he was raised by paternal grandparents as a Catholic, Ms. Pomerleau said.

He attended the Jesuit-run Boston College High School and after graduating joined the New England Province of the Society of Jesuits in 1948. He had hoped to be an agronomist, but the Jesuits asked him to study physics because they needed physics professors in their universities.

Father Callahan earned bachelor’s and master’s degrees from Boston College and a Ph.D. in physics from Johns Hopkins University in 1962. While pursuing the degree, he worked for NASA on weather satellites. He then moved to Connecticut to teach physics at Fairfield University, a Jesuit institution. He was ordained as a priest in 1965.

Father Callahan mourned the waning of optimism among his generation of Catholic reformers as the church hierarchy grew increasingly conservative. In an interview with The Post in 2006, he said he drew inspiration from Don Quixote.

“He dreams, he has visions, but he’s basically a silly old man,” Father Callahan said. “When people work on social justice issues, they don’t win much and wind up dropping out. To laugh at oneself from the beginning is essential.”
_________________________________________________________________________________

During the 80's, 90's I supported the Quixote Center with donations. I purchased the inclusive readings for Sundays and the Inclusive Bible when completed. But my main interaction with Bill and the staff at Quixote was during my horrendous eight months sojourn at WRAMC. Retired Col Martha Turner introduced me to the Wednesday night liturgy and it was my spiritual life giving fountain during my 8 months at WR.

We sat in a 15 foot square room its walls covered with art from Nicaragua, the chairs in a circle and table in the center. The presider rotated and I even think I presided one evening, I don't remember. The dialogue homily was joined by all and of course my sharing always centered on what I was experiencing that week, that day at Walter Reed. Even though the people of Quixote were very against the military and war I was accepted and my story honored.

Ken and Nancy from the Center purchased a car that Jason could drive while at WR. We passed it on to someone else when we left in June 2006.

I remember our pot luck dinners after liturgy with Martha worried that we needed to eat healthy foods. She is a RN and nutritionist. It was time with extended "family." An hour of normalcy amongst the sorrow of Walter Reed.

I can never repay the kindness of Quixote Center and especially Bill. I asked for a private counseling session and Bill clarified the path that I had begun, the path of coming to consciousness about my own life. The path of confrontation with, separation and eventual divorce from my Jason's father. I remember Bill's kindness, his gentleness and his respect for my story.

I was able to attend the liturgy in March and in June while looking for a place to live in DC. At the June liturgy I read for Bill this prayer, adapted from one written by a lay Maryknoller:

Bill, Go forth in peace
don't fear the darkness,
your life and ours
are one in God.

Bill though you do not know this road
Jesus walks before you
and waits ahead with open arms
to welcome you.

So lift your eyes
set down your burden
make your step light
and greet this day with joy.

When you are weary
and cannot face the morning
Jesus carries you safely
within his loving arms.

Wherever you go now
you are never alone.
Wherever you go now
you are only going home.

from Vicki Armour-Hileman, missioner to Thailand


I was able to visit Bill in the hospital about a week before his death on July 5. I made the visit at the request of Dolly who wanted me to give Bill communion. However when I arrived, old friends from Quixote were present to give Bill communion. I read a passage and then I hugged Bill one last time, "Bill may great angels wrap their wings about you and keep you safe on the journey." Bill died less than a week later with his wife Dolly at his side. In hospice we said always, "A person will die with those who he/she desires at the bedside." And so it was with Bill. He only needed his partner in justice and peacemaking for 40 years to be present. A blessed transition from this life till eternity.

We have a new patron saint to guard over us and to direct us in our ministry for and with the People of God.

With Bill's death I feel that I have lost a spiritual father, someone I admired and greatly respected. I made poor choices in my life and regret that I did not follow Bill "into the fields" until late in my life.

His memorial card included his photo and this quote "We travel with a God who loves us. We travel with a community of faith. We'll often remember that we're crabgrass Christians, whose love can survive in the cracks of life's sidewalks. Our love reminds us that God's Spirit is with us all days. We are blessed with a merry God. Indeed we are the entertainment."

The presiders at Bill's memorial, he gave his body to a medical school were Fr Fred a married priest and Bishop Andrea Johnson, RCWP Eastern region. I am going to include "one of Bill's favorite canons by Teilhard de Chardin" from the Order of the liturgy:

..."I will make the whole earth my altar and on it will offer you all the labors and sufferings of the world. "Over there, on the horizon, the sun has just touched with light the outermost fringe of the eastern sky. Once, again, beneath this moving sheet of fire, the living surface of the earth wakes and trembles, and once again begins its fearful travail. I will place on my paten, O God, the harvest to be won by this renewal of labor. Into my chalice I shall pour all the sap which is to be pressed out this day from the earth's fruits.

Over every living thing which is to spring up, to grow, to flower, to ripen during this day, say again your words: This is my body.

And over every death force which waits in readiness to corrode, to wither, to cut down, speak again your commanding words which express the supreme mystery of faith: This is my blood."

Fr. Bill Callahan: Presente.

A Dream of Healing

I wrote on Thursday of my healing work in PTSD therapy. This morning I had this dream:

I was in a large space filled with people and things. It was day. Jasn was lying on the floor, weeping. Lisa was at his side trying to comfort him. There was also someone else close by, maybe one of my sisters?

In this dream are my animus-Jason and anima-Lisa, both my children, both "part of me" that is part of my emotional self. Jason is weeping and I now realize after yesterday that it is my animus that was wounded in my childhood and marriage. Now I must focus on healing my animus, my male self. Because it is maleness that is assertive and makes a mark in the world.

I will take this dream to therapy next week and we will address the healing of my animus there.

God wants us to heal and we can using all the knowledge of faith, psychology, socialogy, Al Anon and all the knowledge humanity has gained. God may heal us directly but we must identify and "till the soil" as St. Therese said.

What is Different in My Life?

For most of my life I was neurotic, anxious, depressed, fearful. Through the grace of God I am slowly being healed of the wounds of life. We all have them. I want to tell you the story of today and share "What is different in my life?"

I wanted to drive to Ann Arbor MI today so I can attend a "family reunion" of sorts because all my nieces and nephews (brother Joe's children and grandchildren) are gathering at one of their homes to celebrate the 4th and set off fireworks.

I had driven my 2004 Prius with 100K plus miles about 20 miles N on 75 out of Lexington KY when the dashboard lit up like a Christmas tree! They have a huge red triangle with an exclamation point; gets one's attention. I immediately called Toyota service "Drive it to the dealership" so I did.

I did not freak out, I did not cry. I did not feel powerless. I did not not know what to do. My heart and spirit remained calm and at peace. This was a problem to be solved. Because the fireworks are on Sat. I decided I would bare the cost of renting a car for a week as I would not be able to wait until the problem was diagnosed or leave on Sat for Ann Arbor. I asked service to have a car for me.

I arrived, Enterprise was waiting to take me to get my loaner, I got it. BTW prepay the gas I got it for $2.36 today a whole lot cheaper than the $2.69 at the pump. I was very glad I got a car.

I went back to the Prius, unloaded my food and suitcase and headed N again, now after noon. I hit the wall at Cincinnati and all through Ohio. They have spent all their stimulus money on road rebuilding. It took me 11 hours to get to Ann Arbor MI the same time it took me to fly to Roma. I recommend not driving through Ohio anytime soon. Mapquest said it would take me a little over 5 hours, little do they know!

What amazed me about the day is that I felt a deep peace inside ALL through the creeping at 5 miles an hour, mile after mile. What was going on on the outside did not have an impact on my feelings for the FIRST time in my life. I give this experience over to grace and healing and never giving up on the search for healing. Since November 2009 I have been attending Al Anon very regularly and I have started PTSD therapy to heal from the trauma of my childhood. I think that it is successful and I will continue to heal for the rest of my life. I am not afraid to go to the darkest places in my soul and ask the God who is there to heal me.

I know God is there
Psalm 139:
Where could I run from your presence?...
If I make my bed in Death, you are already there;
If I go up to the heavens, you are there...
I could fly away with wings made of dawn,
or make my home on the far side of he sea,
but even there your hand will guide me.

If I say, "The darkness will hide me,
(the darkness of being unconscious)
and night will be my only light,"
even darkness won't be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day--
darkness and light are the same to you.

Continue to seek healing in all circumstances, never give up.
For the God of Evolution wants you and us collectively to heal and become ever more human. Jesus is our Way, he walks beside us. Reach out and seek healing.

Have a great July 4th weekend filled with making happy memories.

PTSD Therapy: Discovering the Opposites Within

It is important for all who read this blog. I share the deepest levels of my spiritual/emotional journey so we might all evolve to a higher level of consciousness. If I take the journey to the darkest parts of my psyche/shadow, then maybe I can encourage/give permission to you to do the same. Truly we can be blind emotionally all of our lives, I was until I was 62 and stood at Jason's bedside at Walter Reed. However emotional growth does not exist in time. If I heal today, I have healed all of my life especially going forward in a new consciousness. I will have the freedom to choose a different path of behavior.

If I behave in a certain emotional pattern, my partner in relationship can support the behavior or challenge me to grow/change. I grew up in an abusive alcoholic home. The only time my mother touched me was to beat me. The only words were ones of criticism. As a child I was powerless and this became an emotional pattern for me. "Love" was violent-emotionally and spiritually. Lived out in relationships it may become sadistic/masochistic as I described in the June 2 post. I couple this experience with the RCC's dictate that "we should suffer like Christ" for redemption of the world. I was primed for suffering as a way of life. I returned to the same therapist today. I wanted to address the other side of myself in my marriage relationship. If the relationship was sadistic, then "How am I masochistic in relationships?" That is seeking pain or humiliation.

The therapeutic process was the same one I related in the earlier session. I had failed to mention that Dr. S takes succinct notes which he reads back to me, repeating the words I have used then asking me to move beyond where I am if I can. I am to share new experiences of feelings, images and thoughts. He always wants to know if their is a relationship or exchange between the feelings or images. He also read my blog entry of June 2 which the includes the dream I had at WR, the dream of empowerment and freeing myself from the web of unconsciousness and destructive relationship to Dow. He often muses out loud, "What is the opposite?" "What is another word? another metaphor?" Encouraging me to explore the image as deep as I can. Instructions remained the same "Dive deep" into the feelings, the image.

Dr. S read my blog journal notes and commented on them. He particularly liked my choice in the lucid dream at Walter Reed. I had written that I had to do the same with all other conflict within me.

Today I was to answer as myself not another person.
I chose a scene where I felt my own behavior arose from a masochistic need within myself. This event(amongst many) occurred within my marriage, I believe that it was after Jason had joined the Army (after 9/11/01) Dow and I were laying on the bed together. It was morning as I remember the sunlight coming through the bedroom windows and lighting the king-sized bed. I remember we were discussing our relationship and Dow asked me, "Why are you still married?" I answered "Because I made wedding vows." I remember feeling so very defeated and trapped.

This is where the therapy session began.
I saw the bedroom image in my mind's eye.
Somehow Dr. S going through the feelings, using the pressure points around my eyes, moved my experience to also contain a power image.
The power image was Wonder Woman standing at the bedside with her hands on her hips. I smiled because I thought the actress who played WW was the most beautiful woman and I loved her power and persona.

Dr. S continued to go back to the "defeated and trapped" feelings exploring my experiences of them. I kept going back to the bedroom in the condo, seeing Dow under the sheets. Dr S asked "What is the opposite of powerlessness?" This is when Wonder Woman made her appearance. I told Dr S I thought it was the feminine powerful part of me. So now we had defeated and trapped versus powerful woman parts of my psyche, the opposites.

I do not know how/when but Wonder Woman picked me and took me out of the bed. I knew I was held in her arms but I could not see myself there. The bed was bathed in sunlight. Dow became the image of trapped and defeated. The feelings looked like a human brain-gray matter with lines. Dr. S asked "Why are these feelings Dow's?" I thought and maybe said, "I walked out on him, Dow is left with only himself, trapped and defeated."

Somehow we moved into these images as representing Creativity and Destruction the "Primal Energies of the universe." These energies within me must be brought together as one for healing. The imaging continued.

The image of trapped and defeated became dirt (no longer a brain) with a flower growing forth (new life, resurrection), not iris nor tulip, but something itself with a brilliant yellow-white flower grew out of this "dirt." This flower transformed into a white dove who flew away. Wonder Woman added wings as I talked about the image of St. Michael the Archangel. The images of creativity became myself at an easel using pastels. The image of destruction became myself axing an large oak tree. But neither of these images "lasted." The artist worked but the axing of the tree became an angel (story I read yesterday in my issue of Angels-a guidepost magazine)of an artist who carved an angel from a tree stump.

At Different points I repeated the words, "I love myself unconditionally holding simultaneously trapped/defeated and power." At some point I mentioned sending Jason to war as destruction yet even this was folded into creativity of the Mystery of life. I called it "Sacred Ground" of reality. Like the Big Bang from nothing, the universe began. I realized afresh that I have within myself the energies of destruction and creativity.

After this part of the session, Dr. S led me through a series of opposites which were to bring the opposites into relationship with each other and my own realization that all is one unity. What Thich Nan Han teaches; "The rose is in the compost, the compost is in the rose." He was disgruntled a little because I would bring "old herstory" into the now. He said, "Don't do that, where are you now in your understanding after the work today?"

All of this reminded me of a very vivid dream of my childhood: I was very young and facing a green skeleton of death with the cross bones underneath. It was very, very scary. I have often thought of it at different times of my life as I never have faced a life threatening physical situation but I sure succumbed to "death of my soul" for most of my life. The force of destruction is within each of us, this is an accepted Jungian concept. We act it out in the outer reality. Jesus talks about those who are "whited sepulchers" looking good on the outside and filled with death within.

My creativity has been blocked all my life. I loved the garden in VA loved to do pastels but have done neither for many years.

With the release of masochism from life will my creativity be renewed? I am sure I have more work to do. Dr. Skags said, "This is good stuff" and has another exercise for our session next week. It was good being me and "diving into the depths of my psyche" as I know deepest within God resides as Julian of Norwich has described "Jesus the king in the center of the city." I know I feel at peace within and I think working with Dr. Skaggs is part of this feeling of peace as I draw the various threads of my life from the shadow into the light of consciousness.

I will have to share my poem with Dr Skaggs next week. It addresses the opposites and death and life and the unity in all of life. You may have read it somewhere already but I will post it here, from My Journal during Jason’s time in Iraq:

I was in denial that Jason would participate fully in this war. The San Francisco Chronicle embedded a reporter with his platoon and on June 5,2005 reported that Jason’s men had fired on and destroyed a pick-up and the persons inside. I wrote the following:

A poem of sorrow

A mother waits
A messenger comes to her door
The sun stops in its course across the sky
And plunges her world into night.
Sorrow so deep
Her wail so strong
It broke my heart
Here in Chicago this day.

Joined together forever are we
One son gave an order
One son died
We are one in our tears.
“I am sorry our cultures say, “War is the answer.”
“I am sorry my son says, “Fire”

I hold your son in my arms
And pray for your healing
And may the world be reconciled
To know that we are one.

June 6, 2005

On October 15, 2005 while on patrol, Jason lost his eye and arm to a road side bomb. He was flown to WRAMC where he spent a year healing from his injuries. I spent 8 months living at Walter Reed holding my son and praying for his healing. While there I ministered to wounded soldiers, their family members, and Walter Reed staff.