PTSD Therapy: Discovering the Opposites Within

It is important for all who read this blog. I share the deepest levels of my spiritual/emotional journey so we might all evolve to a higher level of consciousness. If I take the journey to the darkest parts of my psyche/shadow, then maybe I can encourage/give permission to you to do the same. Truly we can be blind emotionally all of our lives, I was until I was 62 and stood at Jason's bedside at Walter Reed. However emotional growth does not exist in time. If I heal today, I have healed all of my life especially going forward in a new consciousness. I will have the freedom to choose a different path of behavior.

If I behave in a certain emotional pattern, my partner in relationship can support the behavior or challenge me to grow/change. I grew up in an abusive alcoholic home. The only time my mother touched me was to beat me. The only words were ones of criticism. As a child I was powerless and this became an emotional pattern for me. "Love" was violent-emotionally and spiritually. Lived out in relationships it may become sadistic/masochistic as I described in the June 2 post. I couple this experience with the RCC's dictate that "we should suffer like Christ" for redemption of the world. I was primed for suffering as a way of life. I returned to the same therapist today. I wanted to address the other side of myself in my marriage relationship. If the relationship was sadistic, then "How am I masochistic in relationships?" That is seeking pain or humiliation.

The therapeutic process was the same one I related in the earlier session. I had failed to mention that Dr. S takes succinct notes which he reads back to me, repeating the words I have used then asking me to move beyond where I am if I can. I am to share new experiences of feelings, images and thoughts. He always wants to know if their is a relationship or exchange between the feelings or images. He also read my blog entry of June 2 which the includes the dream I had at WR, the dream of empowerment and freeing myself from the web of unconsciousness and destructive relationship to Dow. He often muses out loud, "What is the opposite?" "What is another word? another metaphor?" Encouraging me to explore the image as deep as I can. Instructions remained the same "Dive deep" into the feelings, the image.

Dr. S read my blog journal notes and commented on them. He particularly liked my choice in the lucid dream at Walter Reed. I had written that I had to do the same with all other conflict within me.

Today I was to answer as myself not another person.
I chose a scene where I felt my own behavior arose from a masochistic need within myself. This event(amongst many) occurred within my marriage, I believe that it was after Jason had joined the Army (after 9/11/01) Dow and I were laying on the bed together. It was morning as I remember the sunlight coming through the bedroom windows and lighting the king-sized bed. I remember we were discussing our relationship and Dow asked me, "Why are you still married?" I answered "Because I made wedding vows." I remember feeling so very defeated and trapped.

This is where the therapy session began.
I saw the bedroom image in my mind's eye.
Somehow Dr. S going through the feelings, using the pressure points around my eyes, moved my experience to also contain a power image.
The power image was Wonder Woman standing at the bedside with her hands on her hips. I smiled because I thought the actress who played WW was the most beautiful woman and I loved her power and persona.

Dr. S continued to go back to the "defeated and trapped" feelings exploring my experiences of them. I kept going back to the bedroom in the condo, seeing Dow under the sheets. Dr S asked "What is the opposite of powerlessness?" This is when Wonder Woman made her appearance. I told Dr S I thought it was the feminine powerful part of me. So now we had defeated and trapped versus powerful woman parts of my psyche, the opposites.

I do not know how/when but Wonder Woman picked me and took me out of the bed. I knew I was held in her arms but I could not see myself there. The bed was bathed in sunlight. Dow became the image of trapped and defeated. The feelings looked like a human brain-gray matter with lines. Dr. S asked "Why are these feelings Dow's?" I thought and maybe said, "I walked out on him, Dow is left with only himself, trapped and defeated."

Somehow we moved into these images as representing Creativity and Destruction the "Primal Energies of the universe." These energies within me must be brought together as one for healing. The imaging continued.

The image of trapped and defeated became dirt (no longer a brain) with a flower growing forth (new life, resurrection), not iris nor tulip, but something itself with a brilliant yellow-white flower grew out of this "dirt." This flower transformed into a white dove who flew away. Wonder Woman added wings as I talked about the image of St. Michael the Archangel. The images of creativity became myself at an easel using pastels. The image of destruction became myself axing an large oak tree. But neither of these images "lasted." The artist worked but the axing of the tree became an angel (story I read yesterday in my issue of Angels-a guidepost magazine)of an artist who carved an angel from a tree stump.

At Different points I repeated the words, "I love myself unconditionally holding simultaneously trapped/defeated and power." At some point I mentioned sending Jason to war as destruction yet even this was folded into creativity of the Mystery of life. I called it "Sacred Ground" of reality. Like the Big Bang from nothing, the universe began. I realized afresh that I have within myself the energies of destruction and creativity.

After this part of the session, Dr. S led me through a series of opposites which were to bring the opposites into relationship with each other and my own realization that all is one unity. What Thich Nan Han teaches; "The rose is in the compost, the compost is in the rose." He was disgruntled a little because I would bring "old herstory" into the now. He said, "Don't do that, where are you now in your understanding after the work today?"

All of this reminded me of a very vivid dream of my childhood: I was very young and facing a green skeleton of death with the cross bones underneath. It was very, very scary. I have often thought of it at different times of my life as I never have faced a life threatening physical situation but I sure succumbed to "death of my soul" for most of my life. The force of destruction is within each of us, this is an accepted Jungian concept. We act it out in the outer reality. Jesus talks about those who are "whited sepulchers" looking good on the outside and filled with death within.

My creativity has been blocked all my life. I loved the garden in VA loved to do pastels but have done neither for many years.

With the release of masochism from life will my creativity be renewed? I am sure I have more work to do. Dr. Skags said, "This is good stuff" and has another exercise for our session next week. It was good being me and "diving into the depths of my psyche" as I know deepest within God resides as Julian of Norwich has described "Jesus the king in the center of the city." I know I feel at peace within and I think working with Dr. Skaggs is part of this feeling of peace as I draw the various threads of my life from the shadow into the light of consciousness.

I will have to share my poem with Dr Skaggs next week. It addresses the opposites and death and life and the unity in all of life. You may have read it somewhere already but I will post it here, from My Journal during Jason’s time in Iraq:

I was in denial that Jason would participate fully in this war. The San Francisco Chronicle embedded a reporter with his platoon and on June 5,2005 reported that Jason’s men had fired on and destroyed a pick-up and the persons inside. I wrote the following:

A poem of sorrow

A mother waits
A messenger comes to her door
The sun stops in its course across the sky
And plunges her world into night.
Sorrow so deep
Her wail so strong
It broke my heart
Here in Chicago this day.

Joined together forever are we
One son gave an order
One son died
We are one in our tears.
“I am sorry our cultures say, “War is the answer.”
“I am sorry my son says, “Fire”

I hold your son in my arms
And pray for your healing
And may the world be reconciled
To know that we are one.

June 6, 2005

On October 15, 2005 while on patrol, Jason lost his eye and arm to a road side bomb. He was flown to WRAMC where he spent a year healing from his injuries. I spent 8 months living at Walter Reed holding my son and praying for his healing. While there I ministered to wounded soldiers, their family members, and Walter Reed staff.