I had visited this counselor before regarding alcoholism in my family and my response to it. As I have written I want to "finish my unfinished business" so that I might continue to heal and live forward with my ministry as priest. To be a wounded healer for others.
She asked me to choose a memory with trauma connected to it. We had time to do healing work around two memories with different outcomes for each.
She asked me to tell an incident of trauma.
I told this story.
When I was preschool and sleeping in the same bedroom as my brothers, my mother would come in, check the bed to see if I were wet. She would make me get out of bed then would beat me-spank me severely with her hand-for "wetting the bed." She would not permit me to drink after 4 PM so I would be dry at night. To this day I have trouble hydrating myself enough. I remembered being wakened by her and being terrorized by the punishment. I do not know how often she did this nor how long this went on.
The counselor asked me to close my eyes and relax.
She asked questions about the experience as she led me through reframing it.
She asked, "How large is the scene?"
Where are you?
Is it in color or black and white?
What is the level of detail?
What are you feeling?
Then:
Can you change the color from color to black and white? My memory stayed colored.
The scene was as large as the bedroom as I found myself standing by the bed behind my mother to her right and looking at myself on the bed at age 5ish. The details were clear to me. I could see my gown, the bedding, the wooden bed frame. I could see the window behind my bed and the garden beyond.
Can you blur the image? I could not it stayed fresh.
Can you wash it? I imagined myself using a paint brush with tan colored paint and could wash it out. It was still there but now blurred/whited over.
Can you shrink it? I did shrink it to a postage size stamp as she requested.
Can you place it far away? like across the street? I was sitting in the office facing the window and 6 lanes of Nicholsville Rd. I "saw" myself holding the stamp by fingers of both hands and running across the lanes of busy traffic to place it on the other side of the sidewalk. I felt lightened as I laughed about carrying the postage stamp across the busy road.
Dr. K was satisfied with the results of this memory disassociation from feelings and as we had time, she asked if I had another. I told her I did.
The story is: I am in the same bedroom maybe the same age or a little older. I could not pinpoint how old I was. I do not believe my brother Joe was a teen, maybe 8 or 9? The room had a very small closet where the three of us hung our clothes, my two brothers and I shared this room. They had a bunk bed next to the closet. My single bed was on the other side of the room. We had enough room to walk between the beds but not much more. I believe we had one dresser and each of us had a drawer.
Joe was lying on the floor half into the closet. I don't know where Chuck was. I was standing behind mother who was beating Joe with a broom.
Dr. K asked if this was a movie? or a photo or stills. It was like stills.
Joe being beaten with a broom handle.
Mother standing or sitting on Joe.
Joe going unconscious.
I was terrified and paralyzed as I was powerless.
Again Dr. K asked me
How large is the scene? I replied that I was in the room as a child and an observer. The color and details were vivid.
Can you blur it? I could not. I began to cry.
Can you reduce it to a postage stamp? I could not.
Can you take the scene across the street? I could not.
The scene shifted to seeing more of my mother dressed as always in a white butcher apron. Her hair was dark and her blouse was dark.
We discussed my feelings of terror and being paralyzed in this situation. I felt responsible for Joe for even though he got me in trouble. In this instance in particular where I believed Mother knocked him out, I felt responsible as if there should have been something I could do. Joe had adventures and invited me along all over Southfield where we grew up. He and I were friends as much as an older sibling would let me tag along.
Dr K. talked about a child being powerless and I could not assume responsibility in this situation. I know looking back on this incident among the many of my childhood that assuming responsibility while being powerless became my emotional position in life. To be exposed to violence, whether physical or emotional, and to be powerless. This is what happened in both of my marriages. It is my belief that Dow was in competition with Jason "for mom's attention" as this is how I related to Dow and wounded both Jason and myself. Ultimately Dow's behavior sent Jason to war and my filing for divorce. It was dysfunctional family life writ large and led to tragedy. I did not become an alcoholic but I lived all the classic behaviors of a ACOA.
Dr K encouraged me to continue to work the image and separate "then from now" To take care of Katy the child in the now. I can protect and nurture young Katy part of myself in the now.
I encourage each of you to keep seeking healing, no matter your age, no matter the wound. Through healing we can bring the compassion of Christ to others. "For God is love and all who love abide in God, and God in her."
Dr. K also said that reading of my pre-ordination psychological evaluations revealed "No pathology" I am healthy emotionally. It is a validation that I need to hear. It is good to be at home within myself. I only ask that God use me to bring peace and healing to those whom I meet.
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