On Friday I had a session with a counselor who is a PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) therapist in Lexington. I wanted to look at the emotional and spiritual trauma of my life and to seek healing. For all my years in therapy I never sought healing directly for the abuse and trauma of my personal life. I have prayed for healing all of my life knowing only God can heal this deep soul suffering.
Growing up in an alcoholic abusive home, a marriage that ended in abandonment of myself and daughter, an emotional and spiritual abusive second marriage that I left after 30 years, I need healing at the deepest level.
Dr. S told me that Jason was doing well because he was able to complete a MBA, is holding a work position and has married. He said "Jason has many strengths beyond his excellent mind to come this far." As Jason and I are estranged, I thanked him for the feedback based on his counseling of many persons suffering with PTSD. I continue to pray for Jason's healing. Dr. S said "Do not pray generally, but specifically holding an image of Jason whole in spirit and mind." I promised I will try to do this.
As I told him my story of Jason's wounding and my suffering, Dr. S began to cry. I thanked him for his tears as Dow was never able to connect with my suffering (as he cannot connect with his own feelings). I had felt isolated in my feelings arising from this trauma and Dr. S affirmed and validated my personal experience of loss and suffering. It was a sacred gift for me and the first intimacy of feelings I have ever experienced with a man. Sharing tears is the sign of our humanness and compassion.
Through healing therapy, I hope to become a priest with healing and compassion expressed in all I do in my ministry.
This therapist uses EMDR by
1. He stopped me when I related a situation and began to cry-feelings expressed connected to a traumatic event (My arrival at Jason's bedside at WRAMC).
2. I was to imagine that moment and extend my pointer finger to the center of it.
3. He slowly turned me counter clockwise three and one-half times.
At the end of this exercise, I am standing at the foot of Jason's bed, he is connected to all kinds of tubes and wound draining machine. Jason is drugged heavily. I look on him with love and compassion. I am filled with peace. With me I find Mary the Mother of Jesus looking on my son who is her son hanging on the cross. I am two women at once. Jason is both Jason and Jesus. We are one yet each is distinct in my experiencing the image.
I tell the counselor, "This was my choice (before I arrived at WR) and when I stood by Jason's bed. No questioning but only desiring to support healing and peace for my son if that was God's will." I did not know if Jason would live for at least the first two months at Walter Reed.
The therapist then
1. Had me turn 3.5 times clock wise as I focused on the feeling of compassion I had lived at the foot of Jason's bed.
2. I began at the bedside but quickly moved to standing on a green field with my feet firmly planted on the ground.
3. I felt the energy of the earth filling me and healing was coming to me connected to the earth. We are all children of the earth and She loves each of us very much. I do believe that God is present to us through Creation itself. All is sacred, all is sacrament of God's Presence. I believe the energy I felt was the Spirit of God through Creation.
It is hard to express the trauma of Jason's wounding within me; then the healing present through this session. Beyond words into the reality of our lived experience of feelings beyond the daily paradigm we have and move within.
I pray for the healing of all my family members, for all of you who read this blog. Jesus is the one who brings healing to our minds, bodies and souls. May the blessing of healing be ours as we "Let Go and Let God."
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