I got a call from my sister Connie who talked of our cousin. Mike is in the hospital being evaluated for psychiatric issues. He had been pounding on the door of his neighbor in the middle of the night. Mike's guardian is one of our family members.
Just this week I had read the following quote from a novel. The protagonist is a philosopher and she said, "We cannot choose the situations in which we become involved in this life; we are caught up in them whether we like it or not. If one encounters the need of another, because of who one happens to be, or where one happens to find oneself, and one is in a position to help, then one should do so. It was as simple as that." She shrugged. "The point is that I have to do this, I cannot walk away from it. (pg 122, "Friends, Lovers, Chocolate" Alexander McCall Smith)
I called the guardian's office and requested to speak to the staff person who visits Mike. I spoke of my concerns regarding Mike's guardianship and the need for his physical safety, mental and emotional care. The spokeswoman asked that I file a request for change of guardianship. I did and faxed her the form this afternoon.
I did not choose this situation. I had discussed guardianship with this family member a year ago and the situation has deteriorated over the year. I felt a moral obligation to step in and take action within the legal system. Whether the guardian will see that Mike's needs are the most important consideration at this time or not is not for me to decide. I have done what I could do "I cannot walk away from it."
Holding everyone in my prayers and asking you for your prayers for Mike and all our family. Blessings for the Holiday weekend.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
A Dear Friend Died this Mother's Day.
Death comes unexpectedly.
Be prepared now. If you have unfinished business with someone; reconcile, make amends, make a phone call today. Reach out as death comes when it does, like a thief in the night.
I moved to Blacksburg Va in 1979. I was teaching and Jason was 2 years old. I found a woman who had just moved to BBurg to be nearer her daughter Cheryl. She would visit our home once a week to "clean." I would make her lunch and we would chat mostly about family goings on. Sarah had three adult children and grandchildren.
Sarah was active in her ladies circle at the local Episcopalian Church. She volunteered regularly for the library and the Red Cross. Living on Social Security and Medicare because of her bi-polar illness; I helped her when I could. I always included money in the cards I sent. We would go on travels around town and I would take her to lunch or an activity when she would let me.
Sarah had a good sense of humor and she and I would get to laughing about life and the machinations of her family. Sarah was not without suffering. Her youngest son was involved with pot and as a roofer fell off a building while high. He was brain damaged and lives in a group home ever since. Sarah was not able to visit often but she did what she could. Sarah was happy he lived and that he was now in "a safe environment."
Sarah loved to travel and came by train to see me after we moved to Chicago in 1996. I had a good time "showing her Chicago." She suffered from Parkinson's and her daughter said she may have died of a stroke while Sarah was alone in her apartment. Cheryl and all the children arrived on her doorstep this Mother's Day to take her out and found they could not get in.
I assume the landlord got the family into the apartment. She had been dead for up to a week. Cheryl said it has been very hard as no one had called her mom that week to check in. The service was last Friday and Cheryl promised to send me the program.
So "Do NOT wait." The work of reconciliation and compassion cries out, "NOW" for tomorrow may be too late. May God provide comfort for Sarah's family and grandchildren. I know Sarah is counted as one of the saints.
Be prepared now. If you have unfinished business with someone; reconcile, make amends, make a phone call today. Reach out as death comes when it does, like a thief in the night.
I moved to Blacksburg Va in 1979. I was teaching and Jason was 2 years old. I found a woman who had just moved to BBurg to be nearer her daughter Cheryl. She would visit our home once a week to "clean." I would make her lunch and we would chat mostly about family goings on. Sarah had three adult children and grandchildren.
Sarah was active in her ladies circle at the local Episcopalian Church. She volunteered regularly for the library and the Red Cross. Living on Social Security and Medicare because of her bi-polar illness; I helped her when I could. I always included money in the cards I sent. We would go on travels around town and I would take her to lunch or an activity when she would let me.
Sarah had a good sense of humor and she and I would get to laughing about life and the machinations of her family. Sarah was not without suffering. Her youngest son was involved with pot and as a roofer fell off a building while high. He was brain damaged and lives in a group home ever since. Sarah was not able to visit often but she did what she could. Sarah was happy he lived and that he was now in "a safe environment."
Sarah loved to travel and came by train to see me after we moved to Chicago in 1996. I had a good time "showing her Chicago." She suffered from Parkinson's and her daughter said she may have died of a stroke while Sarah was alone in her apartment. Cheryl and all the children arrived on her doorstep this Mother's Day to take her out and found they could not get in.
I assume the landlord got the family into the apartment. She had been dead for up to a week. Cheryl said it has been very hard as no one had called her mom that week to check in. The service was last Friday and Cheryl promised to send me the program.
So "Do NOT wait." The work of reconciliation and compassion cries out, "NOW" for tomorrow may be too late. May God provide comfort for Sarah's family and grandchildren. I know Sarah is counted as one of the saints.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Reaching Out to Family: Providing Appropriate Support
I had been to Chicago for a funeral of a Roman Catholic Woman Priest Janine Denomee over the weekend. When I listened to my messages after I arrived home last night I heard a message of panic fearful of violence from my sister. She has been in a marriage which faces many challenges including her own behaviors. They have a 14 year old daughter. I was very upset about the situation and also knew I was very, very tired after the drive back to KY. I offered a prayer for the situation and went to bed.
This morning I called Dr. K one of the PTSD family therapists I have visited recently. I asked for advice as we four sisters are all ACOA. I knew our own experiences and family herstory would be influencing our decisions even if unconscious. I wanted a "reality check" and Dr. K would provide one for me/us. She recommended:
1. I was to report the situation to the local Human Services Department. I wasn't expecting Dr. K's first remarks after I told her the situation, "Katy, you are a priest, if this was not your sister what does RCWP ethics tell you you must do?" I responded, "Doesn't being her sister trump being a priest?" She replied, "NO, when the physical safety of your sister and her daughter are involved." No matter the relationship Dr. K stated, "We are professionals, we are required to report cases of abuse." Okay, I got my marching orders, darn psychologists she had me. Because there is a minor involved it gives higher priority to the situation. And so I was transferred to CPS, Child Protective Services.
I called the County Human Resources. The intake worker took the information and said it would be processed within 24 hours IF it was assigned to a worker. Because of the history of abuse in the family and the use of alcohol; she thought it would be assigned a case worker who would follow up with my sister. They wanted to know the school my niece attended but I could not provide that information. I felt badly about not knowing the school.
2. One of the questions my sisters and my daughter wanted answered was "Do we directly financially support her?" Are there alternatives to cash?
Dr. K replied, "I know I have family members who repeatedly asked for money. I recommend that you do not provide cash directly." Dr. K said, "I would recommend that you purchase food, gas, phone cards, what is necessary for her to live." I thought this was a good solution on how to provide financial support. I know earlier this year, my sisters and brother covered the heat bill for the family.
3. I wanted to know if there was a shelter for my sister and niece. The CPS intake worker gave me the number of _____ which provides shelter and support services for children and parents. I in turn sent an email to my sisters and daughter given them the info in case our sister/aunt would call them in a panic as she did on Monday.
It is very hard to be sure that boundaries between family members are not blurred. My sister and family need help. Today I felt as if I found the appropriate help for them at this time. I did what I could as the answer can only be created by her and decisions and actions to change her family situation.
Do not stand and do nothing if it is a situation of abuse. You can do something. I remember as a child I was powerless. As adults we can respond differently. Blessings on your ministry of compassion for others.
This morning I called Dr. K one of the PTSD family therapists I have visited recently. I asked for advice as we four sisters are all ACOA. I knew our own experiences and family herstory would be influencing our decisions even if unconscious. I wanted a "reality check" and Dr. K would provide one for me/us. She recommended:
1. I was to report the situation to the local Human Services Department. I wasn't expecting Dr. K's first remarks after I told her the situation, "Katy, you are a priest, if this was not your sister what does RCWP ethics tell you you must do?" I responded, "Doesn't being her sister trump being a priest?" She replied, "NO, when the physical safety of your sister and her daughter are involved." No matter the relationship Dr. K stated, "We are professionals, we are required to report cases of abuse." Okay, I got my marching orders, darn psychologists she had me. Because there is a minor involved it gives higher priority to the situation. And so I was transferred to CPS, Child Protective Services.
I called the County Human Resources. The intake worker took the information and said it would be processed within 24 hours IF it was assigned to a worker. Because of the history of abuse in the family and the use of alcohol; she thought it would be assigned a case worker who would follow up with my sister. They wanted to know the school my niece attended but I could not provide that information. I felt badly about not knowing the school.
2. One of the questions my sisters and my daughter wanted answered was "Do we directly financially support her?" Are there alternatives to cash?
Dr. K replied, "I know I have family members who repeatedly asked for money. I recommend that you do not provide cash directly." Dr. K said, "I would recommend that you purchase food, gas, phone cards, what is necessary for her to live." I thought this was a good solution on how to provide financial support. I know earlier this year, my sisters and brother covered the heat bill for the family.
3. I wanted to know if there was a shelter for my sister and niece. The CPS intake worker gave me the number of _____ which provides shelter and support services for children and parents. I in turn sent an email to my sisters and daughter given them the info in case our sister/aunt would call them in a panic as she did on Monday.
It is very hard to be sure that boundaries between family members are not blurred. My sister and family need help. Today I felt as if I found the appropriate help for them at this time. I did what I could as the answer can only be created by her and decisions and actions to change her family situation.
Do not stand and do nothing if it is a situation of abuse. You can do something. I remember as a child I was powerless. As adults we can respond differently. Blessings on your ministry of compassion for others.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Visit with My Spiritual Director
I hadn't seen my spiritual director since before I was ordained.
I took this quote from a novel with me as it is how I now feel about my life.
"That's all I can do,
that's how much I have to give,
and its got to be enough.
But what if it isn't enough?
When you give all you have,
you've given it ALL.
When you do all you can,
you've done your best.
Nobody can expect any more."
I feel this way especially about being ordained RCWP.
Ordination is the very strongest statement
I can make for the equality of women in the Roman Catholic Church.
I have done all that I can. Let herstory be my judge.
We talked about discerning next step for my ministry.
She recommended I broaden my search for a place, particularly looking nationwide for a Catholic Worker that might need someone. I want to work for peace and justice for as long as God gives me.
I took this quote from a novel with me as it is how I now feel about my life.
"That's all I can do,
that's how much I have to give,
and its got to be enough.
But what if it isn't enough?
When you give all you have,
you've given it ALL.
When you do all you can,
you've done your best.
Nobody can expect any more."
I feel this way especially about being ordained RCWP.
Ordination is the very strongest statement
I can make for the equality of women in the Roman Catholic Church.
I have done all that I can. Let herstory be my judge.
We talked about discerning next step for my ministry.
She recommended I broaden my search for a place, particularly looking nationwide for a Catholic Worker that might need someone. I want to work for peace and justice for as long as God gives me.
Going to Rome "Year of the Priest"
Went to see my spiritual director today.
We discussed the possibility of my going to Rome to attend the closing of the "Year of the Priest" She concluded, "You should go. It is once in a lifetime. You can witness for women's ministry in the RCC."
I came home and finalized my plan to go to Rome to be part of the demonstration with Women's Ordination Conference (WOC) and Women's Ordination Worldwide (WOW)and possibly other RCWP's from Europe who might want to join us. We will be a small group of us, maybe 5 or 6.
I hope that we will be interviewed by the Press, a good chance as they should all be their for the coverage as the sex scandal reaches to the Pope now. We have lawsuits being filed in the USA tying the Pope to the Bishops with "orders from Rome." The paper trail is clear from every bishop who moved pedophile priests to the Pope who set the protocols for how to handle the cases.
It is time for change and this one will be a tsunami.
I want to be part of herstory.
We discussed the possibility of my going to Rome to attend the closing of the "Year of the Priest" She concluded, "You should go. It is once in a lifetime. You can witness for women's ministry in the RCC."
I came home and finalized my plan to go to Rome to be part of the demonstration with Women's Ordination Conference (WOC) and Women's Ordination Worldwide (WOW)and possibly other RCWP's from Europe who might want to join us. We will be a small group of us, maybe 5 or 6.
I hope that we will be interviewed by the Press, a good chance as they should all be their for the coverage as the sex scandal reaches to the Pope now. We have lawsuits being filed in the USA tying the Pope to the Bishops with "orders from Rome." The paper trail is clear from every bishop who moved pedophile priests to the Pope who set the protocols for how to handle the cases.
It is time for change and this one will be a tsunami.
I want to be part of herstory.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Continuing the Healing Process
I wrote about not being able to follow the healing exercise as proposed by the PTSD psychologist yesterday. Today during the morning's Liturgy of the Hours, I entered the scene once again. I thought I might be able to "shrink the scene and detach" from the feelings of powerless and terror as a child.
I once again imagined being in our bedroom as a child.
Joe was on the floor in and out of the closet.
Mother was standing over Joe with a broom.
Myself as child was standing looking on in terror.
I as behind myself as an adult watching.
A healer named Francis McNutt has taught healing prayer and I decided to use his guided imagery. I asked Jesus to be present in this scene with us. Jesus appeared standing next to me near the bedroom door. Jesus looked like the depictions of him as the Good Shepherd; strong and virile, beard and white robe.
I asked Jesus for healing
The child Katy is looking at Jesus.
He picks me up and hugs me close.
I snuggle next to his chest, my "Daddy" and know that I am safe.
(Out of the meditation, I begin to cry and continue to cry for the remainder of the meditation.)
In the meditation, I pray that Jesus heal my mother and brother and their relationship. Jesus hugs both of them individually.
They hug each other and I know---their relationship IS healed in Jesus.
I hug my mother and my brother. I do love them both.
My deepest feeling comes to the for that I wanted to protect my brother from my mother's beating and I could not.
Now Joe and mother are with Jesus, safe in God's love.
Jason is now in the image.
I know that Jason's and my relationship is like Joe and my mother's relationship on earth.
I weep in sorrow. I pray to Jesus to heal our relationship.
"I love you " I say to Jason.
Jesus hugs me and Jesus hugs Jason.
I hug each of those present.
Joe "It is so good to see you" He looks like he did as a teen.
Mother "Thank you for my love of nature which I learned from you."
Jason "I love you fiercely and tenderly"
Jesus, I am now the adult Katy, "I ask for your blessing." He gently places a stole around my shoulders, hugs me "I am with you always."
I cannot reduce/lighten this scene.
Joe and mother are at peace.
Jason and I are talking and laughing.
Jesus holds the child Katy in his arms.
I am home, I am safe, I am happy.
It IS a healing dream come true.
_________________________________
After this imagery session,
I picked up my Breviary and turned to the scripture readings of the day.
From Psalm 131
"I have calmed and quieted my soul,
like a child at its mother's breast;
like a child in its father's arms,
even so my soul."
This scripture affirmed my use of "Daddy" for Jesus.
It is synchronicity of lived experience and the Word.
Do not ever hesitate to continue to seek healing.
Prayers for your healing of mind, body and spirit.
Jesus our beloved father is with us giving us hugs that heal the wounds of our souls.
I once again imagined being in our bedroom as a child.
Joe was on the floor in and out of the closet.
Mother was standing over Joe with a broom.
Myself as child was standing looking on in terror.
I as behind myself as an adult watching.
A healer named Francis McNutt has taught healing prayer and I decided to use his guided imagery. I asked Jesus to be present in this scene with us. Jesus appeared standing next to me near the bedroom door. Jesus looked like the depictions of him as the Good Shepherd; strong and virile, beard and white robe.
I asked Jesus for healing
The child Katy is looking at Jesus.
He picks me up and hugs me close.
I snuggle next to his chest, my "Daddy" and know that I am safe.
(Out of the meditation, I begin to cry and continue to cry for the remainder of the meditation.)
In the meditation, I pray that Jesus heal my mother and brother and their relationship. Jesus hugs both of them individually.
They hug each other and I know---their relationship IS healed in Jesus.
I hug my mother and my brother. I do love them both.
My deepest feeling comes to the for that I wanted to protect my brother from my mother's beating and I could not.
Now Joe and mother are with Jesus, safe in God's love.
Jason is now in the image.
I know that Jason's and my relationship is like Joe and my mother's relationship on earth.
I weep in sorrow. I pray to Jesus to heal our relationship.
"I love you " I say to Jason.
Jesus hugs me and Jesus hugs Jason.
I hug each of those present.
Joe "It is so good to see you" He looks like he did as a teen.
Mother "Thank you for my love of nature which I learned from you."
Jason "I love you fiercely and tenderly"
Jesus, I am now the adult Katy, "I ask for your blessing." He gently places a stole around my shoulders, hugs me "I am with you always."
I cannot reduce/lighten this scene.
Joe and mother are at peace.
Jason and I are talking and laughing.
Jesus holds the child Katy in his arms.
I am home, I am safe, I am happy.
It IS a healing dream come true.
_________________________________
After this imagery session,
I picked up my Breviary and turned to the scripture readings of the day.
From Psalm 131
"I have calmed and quieted my soul,
like a child at its mother's breast;
like a child in its father's arms,
even so my soul."
This scripture affirmed my use of "Daddy" for Jesus.
It is synchronicity of lived experience and the Word.
Do not ever hesitate to continue to seek healing.
Prayers for your healing of mind, body and spirit.
Jesus our beloved father is with us giving us hugs that heal the wounds of our souls.
Monday, May 17, 2010
The Journey of Healing: I Went to the Psychologist Today: PTSD
I had visited this counselor before regarding alcoholism in my family and my response to it. As I have written I want to "finish my unfinished business" so that I might continue to heal and live forward with my ministry as priest. To be a wounded healer for others.
She asked me to choose a memory with trauma connected to it. We had time to do healing work around two memories with different outcomes for each.
She asked me to tell an incident of trauma.
I told this story.
When I was preschool and sleeping in the same bedroom as my brothers, my mother would come in, check the bed to see if I were wet. She would make me get out of bed then would beat me-spank me severely with her hand-for "wetting the bed." She would not permit me to drink after 4 PM so I would be dry at night. To this day I have trouble hydrating myself enough. I remembered being wakened by her and being terrorized by the punishment. I do not know how often she did this nor how long this went on.
The counselor asked me to close my eyes and relax.
She asked questions about the experience as she led me through reframing it.
She asked, "How large is the scene?"
Where are you?
Is it in color or black and white?
What is the level of detail?
What are you feeling?
Then:
Can you change the color from color to black and white? My memory stayed colored.
The scene was as large as the bedroom as I found myself standing by the bed behind my mother to her right and looking at myself on the bed at age 5ish. The details were clear to me. I could see my gown, the bedding, the wooden bed frame. I could see the window behind my bed and the garden beyond.
Can you blur the image? I could not it stayed fresh.
Can you wash it? I imagined myself using a paint brush with tan colored paint and could wash it out. It was still there but now blurred/whited over.
Can you shrink it? I did shrink it to a postage size stamp as she requested.
Can you place it far away? like across the street? I was sitting in the office facing the window and 6 lanes of Nicholsville Rd. I "saw" myself holding the stamp by fingers of both hands and running across the lanes of busy traffic to place it on the other side of the sidewalk. I felt lightened as I laughed about carrying the postage stamp across the busy road.
Dr. K was satisfied with the results of this memory disassociation from feelings and as we had time, she asked if I had another. I told her I did.
The story is: I am in the same bedroom maybe the same age or a little older. I could not pinpoint how old I was. I do not believe my brother Joe was a teen, maybe 8 or 9? The room had a very small closet where the three of us hung our clothes, my two brothers and I shared this room. They had a bunk bed next to the closet. My single bed was on the other side of the room. We had enough room to walk between the beds but not much more. I believe we had one dresser and each of us had a drawer.
Joe was lying on the floor half into the closet. I don't know where Chuck was. I was standing behind mother who was beating Joe with a broom.
Dr. K asked if this was a movie? or a photo or stills. It was like stills.
Joe being beaten with a broom handle.
Mother standing or sitting on Joe.
Joe going unconscious.
I was terrified and paralyzed as I was powerless.
Again Dr. K asked me
How large is the scene? I replied that I was in the room as a child and an observer. The color and details were vivid.
Can you blur it? I could not. I began to cry.
Can you reduce it to a postage stamp? I could not.
Can you take the scene across the street? I could not.
The scene shifted to seeing more of my mother dressed as always in a white butcher apron. Her hair was dark and her blouse was dark.
We discussed my feelings of terror and being paralyzed in this situation. I felt responsible for Joe for even though he got me in trouble. In this instance in particular where I believed Mother knocked him out, I felt responsible as if there should have been something I could do. Joe had adventures and invited me along all over Southfield where we grew up. He and I were friends as much as an older sibling would let me tag along.
Dr K. talked about a child being powerless and I could not assume responsibility in this situation. I know looking back on this incident among the many of my childhood that assuming responsibility while being powerless became my emotional position in life. To be exposed to violence, whether physical or emotional, and to be powerless. This is what happened in both of my marriages. It is my belief that Dow was in competition with Jason "for mom's attention" as this is how I related to Dow and wounded both Jason and myself. Ultimately Dow's behavior sent Jason to war and my filing for divorce. It was dysfunctional family life writ large and led to tragedy. I did not become an alcoholic but I lived all the classic behaviors of a ACOA.
Dr K encouraged me to continue to work the image and separate "then from now" To take care of Katy the child in the now. I can protect and nurture young Katy part of myself in the now.
I encourage each of you to keep seeking healing, no matter your age, no matter the wound. Through healing we can bring the compassion of Christ to others. "For God is love and all who love abide in God, and God in her."
Dr. K also said that reading of my pre-ordination psychological evaluations revealed "No pathology" I am healthy emotionally. It is a validation that I need to hear. It is good to be at home within myself. I only ask that God use me to bring peace and healing to those whom I meet.
She asked me to choose a memory with trauma connected to it. We had time to do healing work around two memories with different outcomes for each.
She asked me to tell an incident of trauma.
I told this story.
When I was preschool and sleeping in the same bedroom as my brothers, my mother would come in, check the bed to see if I were wet. She would make me get out of bed then would beat me-spank me severely with her hand-for "wetting the bed." She would not permit me to drink after 4 PM so I would be dry at night. To this day I have trouble hydrating myself enough. I remembered being wakened by her and being terrorized by the punishment. I do not know how often she did this nor how long this went on.
The counselor asked me to close my eyes and relax.
She asked questions about the experience as she led me through reframing it.
She asked, "How large is the scene?"
Where are you?
Is it in color or black and white?
What is the level of detail?
What are you feeling?
Then:
Can you change the color from color to black and white? My memory stayed colored.
The scene was as large as the bedroom as I found myself standing by the bed behind my mother to her right and looking at myself on the bed at age 5ish. The details were clear to me. I could see my gown, the bedding, the wooden bed frame. I could see the window behind my bed and the garden beyond.
Can you blur the image? I could not it stayed fresh.
Can you wash it? I imagined myself using a paint brush with tan colored paint and could wash it out. It was still there but now blurred/whited over.
Can you shrink it? I did shrink it to a postage size stamp as she requested.
Can you place it far away? like across the street? I was sitting in the office facing the window and 6 lanes of Nicholsville Rd. I "saw" myself holding the stamp by fingers of both hands and running across the lanes of busy traffic to place it on the other side of the sidewalk. I felt lightened as I laughed about carrying the postage stamp across the busy road.
Dr. K was satisfied with the results of this memory disassociation from feelings and as we had time, she asked if I had another. I told her I did.
The story is: I am in the same bedroom maybe the same age or a little older. I could not pinpoint how old I was. I do not believe my brother Joe was a teen, maybe 8 or 9? The room had a very small closet where the three of us hung our clothes, my two brothers and I shared this room. They had a bunk bed next to the closet. My single bed was on the other side of the room. We had enough room to walk between the beds but not much more. I believe we had one dresser and each of us had a drawer.
Joe was lying on the floor half into the closet. I don't know where Chuck was. I was standing behind mother who was beating Joe with a broom.
Dr. K asked if this was a movie? or a photo or stills. It was like stills.
Joe being beaten with a broom handle.
Mother standing or sitting on Joe.
Joe going unconscious.
I was terrified and paralyzed as I was powerless.
Again Dr. K asked me
How large is the scene? I replied that I was in the room as a child and an observer. The color and details were vivid.
Can you blur it? I could not. I began to cry.
Can you reduce it to a postage stamp? I could not.
Can you take the scene across the street? I could not.
The scene shifted to seeing more of my mother dressed as always in a white butcher apron. Her hair was dark and her blouse was dark.
We discussed my feelings of terror and being paralyzed in this situation. I felt responsible for Joe for even though he got me in trouble. In this instance in particular where I believed Mother knocked him out, I felt responsible as if there should have been something I could do. Joe had adventures and invited me along all over Southfield where we grew up. He and I were friends as much as an older sibling would let me tag along.
Dr K. talked about a child being powerless and I could not assume responsibility in this situation. I know looking back on this incident among the many of my childhood that assuming responsibility while being powerless became my emotional position in life. To be exposed to violence, whether physical or emotional, and to be powerless. This is what happened in both of my marriages. It is my belief that Dow was in competition with Jason "for mom's attention" as this is how I related to Dow and wounded both Jason and myself. Ultimately Dow's behavior sent Jason to war and my filing for divorce. It was dysfunctional family life writ large and led to tragedy. I did not become an alcoholic but I lived all the classic behaviors of a ACOA.
Dr K encouraged me to continue to work the image and separate "then from now" To take care of Katy the child in the now. I can protect and nurture young Katy part of myself in the now.
I encourage each of you to keep seeking healing, no matter your age, no matter the wound. Through healing we can bring the compassion of Christ to others. "For God is love and all who love abide in God, and God in her."
Dr. K also said that reading of my pre-ordination psychological evaluations revealed "No pathology" I am healthy emotionally. It is a validation that I need to hear. It is good to be at home within myself. I only ask that God use me to bring peace and healing to those whom I meet.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
The Need for Healthcare for All: A day at the Fair for Peace and Justice.
On Saturday the 15th I womanend a table for the local group of "Medicare for All" We were active throughout the campaign for Health Care Reform and were deeply saddened by the failure of our country to pass this much needed legislation. We decided that like other states-CA, IN, PA-we would pursue the possibility of Medicare for All at the State level.
I was able to attend our monthly meeting this past Monday and offered to be at the fair from its hours of noon to 5PM. I took my bowl of free candy-thought that might bring folks to the table, handouts, and a sign up sheet to be notified of events, meetings, etc. I was actually fairly busy throughout the afternoon, sitting in the shade on a very warm day with my table before me.
I was shocked by the number of folks who came to the table and told me their stories of horror at the failings of our "health care system"
1. One gentleman could not even tell me his story as he has "a pre-existing condition" and is so depressed and angry over not being able to get health care.
2. A mother, in business for herself, had to pay $1200 for a colonoscopy. She is paying a large premium and her insurance carrier paid a small amount of the cost. She said her son had to move out of state for insurance as she could not afford to put him on her account.
3. A young man in his 20's had to declare bankruptcy after his surgery for Crone's disease. He works in a restaurant part-time; is going to school and could not afford health care insurance. I assume his employer does not offer to staff.
These are only some of the stories I heard.
When I got home after this exhausting day of hearing the suffering of others, I felt a priest offering a listening heart and my prayers for their care and good health.
While I slept I had the following nightmare:
I was in a garage, it was day and the garage was huge.
A crisis was happening and police and firemen arrived.
I was afraid as they were "bad guys" and began to chase me.
I ran throughout the building.
I thought I could get away but each time they caught up with me again.
I woke up full of terror.
Those who should help-the health care system are now the bad guys.
As the system is we cannot "get a way" to receive health care.
The garage "where things are repaired" is my metaphor for the present health care system.
I pray that each of us has health care and we realize that Jesus spent his ministry healing mind, body and souls. May we be compassionate healers. May we work for health care for all and to take the 30% profit out of each health care dollar and use it for health care services. Health care is not a for-profit industry, it is a human right.
I was able to attend our monthly meeting this past Monday and offered to be at the fair from its hours of noon to 5PM. I took my bowl of free candy-thought that might bring folks to the table, handouts, and a sign up sheet to be notified of events, meetings, etc. I was actually fairly busy throughout the afternoon, sitting in the shade on a very warm day with my table before me.
I was shocked by the number of folks who came to the table and told me their stories of horror at the failings of our "health care system"
1. One gentleman could not even tell me his story as he has "a pre-existing condition" and is so depressed and angry over not being able to get health care.
2. A mother, in business for herself, had to pay $1200 for a colonoscopy. She is paying a large premium and her insurance carrier paid a small amount of the cost. She said her son had to move out of state for insurance as she could not afford to put him on her account.
3. A young man in his 20's had to declare bankruptcy after his surgery for Crone's disease. He works in a restaurant part-time; is going to school and could not afford health care insurance. I assume his employer does not offer to staff.
These are only some of the stories I heard.
When I got home after this exhausting day of hearing the suffering of others, I felt a priest offering a listening heart and my prayers for their care and good health.
While I slept I had the following nightmare:
I was in a garage, it was day and the garage was huge.
A crisis was happening and police and firemen arrived.
I was afraid as they were "bad guys" and began to chase me.
I ran throughout the building.
I thought I could get away but each time they caught up with me again.
I woke up full of terror.
Those who should help-the health care system are now the bad guys.
As the system is we cannot "get a way" to receive health care.
The garage "where things are repaired" is my metaphor for the present health care system.
I pray that each of us has health care and we realize that Jesus spent his ministry healing mind, body and souls. May we be compassionate healers. May we work for health care for all and to take the 30% profit out of each health care dollar and use it for health care services. Health care is not a for-profit industry, it is a human right.
Friday, May 14, 2010
I Experienced EMDR Today: The Lifelong Jouney of Healing
On Friday I had a session with a counselor who is a PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) therapist in Lexington. I wanted to look at the emotional and spiritual trauma of my life and to seek healing. For all my years in therapy I never sought healing directly for the abuse and trauma of my personal life. I have prayed for healing all of my life knowing only God can heal this deep soul suffering.
Growing up in an alcoholic abusive home, a marriage that ended in abandonment of myself and daughter, an emotional and spiritual abusive second marriage that I left after 30 years, I need healing at the deepest level.
Dr. S told me that Jason was doing well because he was able to complete a MBA, is holding a work position and has married. He said "Jason has many strengths beyond his excellent mind to come this far." As Jason and I are estranged, I thanked him for the feedback based on his counseling of many persons suffering with PTSD. I continue to pray for Jason's healing. Dr. S said "Do not pray generally, but specifically holding an image of Jason whole in spirit and mind." I promised I will try to do this.
As I told him my story of Jason's wounding and my suffering, Dr. S began to cry. I thanked him for his tears as Dow was never able to connect with my suffering (as he cannot connect with his own feelings). I had felt isolated in my feelings arising from this trauma and Dr. S affirmed and validated my personal experience of loss and suffering. It was a sacred gift for me and the first intimacy of feelings I have ever experienced with a man. Sharing tears is the sign of our humanness and compassion.
Through healing therapy, I hope to become a priest with healing and compassion expressed in all I do in my ministry.
This therapist uses EMDR by
1. He stopped me when I related a situation and began to cry-feelings expressed connected to a traumatic event (My arrival at Jason's bedside at WRAMC).
2. I was to imagine that moment and extend my pointer finger to the center of it.
3. He slowly turned me counter clockwise three and one-half times.
At the end of this exercise, I am standing at the foot of Jason's bed, he is connected to all kinds of tubes and wound draining machine. Jason is drugged heavily. I look on him with love and compassion. I am filled with peace. With me I find Mary the Mother of Jesus looking on my son who is her son hanging on the cross. I am two women at once. Jason is both Jason and Jesus. We are one yet each is distinct in my experiencing the image.
I tell the counselor, "This was my choice (before I arrived at WR) and when I stood by Jason's bed. No questioning but only desiring to support healing and peace for my son if that was God's will." I did not know if Jason would live for at least the first two months at Walter Reed.
The therapist then
1. Had me turn 3.5 times clock wise as I focused on the feeling of compassion I had lived at the foot of Jason's bed.
2. I began at the bedside but quickly moved to standing on a green field with my feet firmly planted on the ground.
3. I felt the energy of the earth filling me and healing was coming to me connected to the earth. We are all children of the earth and She loves each of us very much. I do believe that God is present to us through Creation itself. All is sacred, all is sacrament of God's Presence. I believe the energy I felt was the Spirit of God through Creation.
It is hard to express the trauma of Jason's wounding within me; then the healing present through this session. Beyond words into the reality of our lived experience of feelings beyond the daily paradigm we have and move within.
I pray for the healing of all my family members, for all of you who read this blog. Jesus is the one who brings healing to our minds, bodies and souls. May the blessing of healing be ours as we "Let Go and Let God."
Growing up in an alcoholic abusive home, a marriage that ended in abandonment of myself and daughter, an emotional and spiritual abusive second marriage that I left after 30 years, I need healing at the deepest level.
Dr. S told me that Jason was doing well because he was able to complete a MBA, is holding a work position and has married. He said "Jason has many strengths beyond his excellent mind to come this far." As Jason and I are estranged, I thanked him for the feedback based on his counseling of many persons suffering with PTSD. I continue to pray for Jason's healing. Dr. S said "Do not pray generally, but specifically holding an image of Jason whole in spirit and mind." I promised I will try to do this.
As I told him my story of Jason's wounding and my suffering, Dr. S began to cry. I thanked him for his tears as Dow was never able to connect with my suffering (as he cannot connect with his own feelings). I had felt isolated in my feelings arising from this trauma and Dr. S affirmed and validated my personal experience of loss and suffering. It was a sacred gift for me and the first intimacy of feelings I have ever experienced with a man. Sharing tears is the sign of our humanness and compassion.
Through healing therapy, I hope to become a priest with healing and compassion expressed in all I do in my ministry.
This therapist uses EMDR by
1. He stopped me when I related a situation and began to cry-feelings expressed connected to a traumatic event (My arrival at Jason's bedside at WRAMC).
2. I was to imagine that moment and extend my pointer finger to the center of it.
3. He slowly turned me counter clockwise three and one-half times.
At the end of this exercise, I am standing at the foot of Jason's bed, he is connected to all kinds of tubes and wound draining machine. Jason is drugged heavily. I look on him with love and compassion. I am filled with peace. With me I find Mary the Mother of Jesus looking on my son who is her son hanging on the cross. I am two women at once. Jason is both Jason and Jesus. We are one yet each is distinct in my experiencing the image.
I tell the counselor, "This was my choice (before I arrived at WR) and when I stood by Jason's bed. No questioning but only desiring to support healing and peace for my son if that was God's will." I did not know if Jason would live for at least the first two months at Walter Reed.
The therapist then
1. Had me turn 3.5 times clock wise as I focused on the feeling of compassion I had lived at the foot of Jason's bed.
2. I began at the bedside but quickly moved to standing on a green field with my feet firmly planted on the ground.
3. I felt the energy of the earth filling me and healing was coming to me connected to the earth. We are all children of the earth and She loves each of us very much. I do believe that God is present to us through Creation itself. All is sacred, all is sacrament of God's Presence. I believe the energy I felt was the Spirit of God through Creation.
It is hard to express the trauma of Jason's wounding within me; then the healing present through this session. Beyond words into the reality of our lived experience of feelings beyond the daily paradigm we have and move within.
I pray for the healing of all my family members, for all of you who read this blog. Jesus is the one who brings healing to our minds, bodies and souls. May the blessing of healing be ours as we "Let Go and Let God."
A Roman Catholic Priest is Dying: Her Final Wish Denied.
What is wrong with the picture of RC "Christianity" within this story?
http://news.medill.northwestern.edu/chicago/news.aspx?id=164664
I knew Janine when I lived in Chicago. This breaks my heart because no male in the clerical hierarchy except Fr. Roy Bourgeois MM has said, "This discrimination by the RCC against women must stop."
Our Roman Catholic male priests know this is wrong, a bishop left money to the Women's Ordination Conference in his will, doesn't help the living. When will male priests join women at the altar?
Will a male priest preside at Janine's funeral wherever it will be held?
It is time "To be the change we want to see."
http://news.medill.northwestern.edu/chicago/news.aspx?id=164664
I knew Janine when I lived in Chicago. This breaks my heart because no male in the clerical hierarchy except Fr. Roy Bourgeois MM has said, "This discrimination by the RCC against women must stop."
Our Roman Catholic male priests know this is wrong, a bishop left money to the Women's Ordination Conference in his will, doesn't help the living. When will male priests join women at the altar?
Will a male priest preside at Janine's funeral wherever it will be held?
It is time "To be the change we want to see."
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Mother's Day 2010
My daughter called me to wish me a Happy Mother's day. I have had no contact from my son who lives in VA with his wife Jodi. I feel very sad and disappointed. I thought I would write of our estrangement and its sources from my life's experience. My own wounds give me the compassion to walk with those with broken relationships. We can never judge another but must continually work for healing of myself and others. In this way we transform the suffering into life-giving healing of relationships.
I was wounded as a child by growing in an abusive alcoholic home where feelings were repressed and denied, self-esteem destroyed, control and identity lost. I went steady and married at age 21 (1964). I was abandoned by my daughter's father on Lisa's Baptism day in 1967. I lived as a single parent until I married my second husband in 1967. I did not know it but I had been emotionally traumatized to the core by the relationships in my life so far.
We birthed Jason and I lost who I was to a domineering, emotionally isolated individual for thirty years. Our emotional life was destructive to who Jason could have been and who he is called to be. Lisa was also impacted by this unbalanced relationship. I was emotionally unavailable, enmeshed totally in my husband's and my co-dependency. I did not know who I was, I was lost. I could not parent well because I did not exist as an independent person with feelings and needs of her own.
I came to consciousness at Walter Reed hospital after my son was very seriously injured. I had this dream:
1/18/06 Dream
A man/creature is in a loft about 3/4ths of the image. The man/creature is in a spider web shaped like a tunnel. I know he is there and ready to pounce. The loft is hung with black and weapons, the lower floor is also the same. I am standing on the floor below and looking up into the scene. I know I have fought and won (this morning’s session with Dr. M where I spoke my feelings honestly) I was to fight again. A child is with me. I decide ‘No, I do not need to fight.” I turn and walk away. I turn to my right and step out into the sunshine and blue sky.
This dream addressed the reality of our relationship of what it had been for 30 years and my decision to no longer live in the hell of our making. We each entered counseling and by the fall of 2006 knew the marriage could not be sustained, we applied for divorce by mutual agreement.
I have been in AlAnon since November 2009 and one of the steps is to make amends for the hurt I have caused. That I truly desire. As a priest I would like to be known as one who heals and brings reconciliation for is this not what Jesus did his whole ministry? may mine also be. From this great suffering of my own life, my I be a healing presence for others.
I was wounded as a child by growing in an abusive alcoholic home where feelings were repressed and denied, self-esteem destroyed, control and identity lost. I went steady and married at age 21 (1964). I was abandoned by my daughter's father on Lisa's Baptism day in 1967. I lived as a single parent until I married my second husband in 1967. I did not know it but I had been emotionally traumatized to the core by the relationships in my life so far.
We birthed Jason and I lost who I was to a domineering, emotionally isolated individual for thirty years. Our emotional life was destructive to who Jason could have been and who he is called to be. Lisa was also impacted by this unbalanced relationship. I was emotionally unavailable, enmeshed totally in my husband's and my co-dependency. I did not know who I was, I was lost. I could not parent well because I did not exist as an independent person with feelings and needs of her own.
I came to consciousness at Walter Reed hospital after my son was very seriously injured. I had this dream:
1/18/06 Dream
A man/creature is in a loft about 3/4ths of the image. The man/creature is in a spider web shaped like a tunnel. I know he is there and ready to pounce. The loft is hung with black and weapons, the lower floor is also the same. I am standing on the floor below and looking up into the scene. I know I have fought and won (this morning’s session with Dr. M where I spoke my feelings honestly) I was to fight again. A child is with me. I decide ‘No, I do not need to fight.” I turn and walk away. I turn to my right and step out into the sunshine and blue sky.
This dream addressed the reality of our relationship of what it had been for 30 years and my decision to no longer live in the hell of our making. We each entered counseling and by the fall of 2006 knew the marriage could not be sustained, we applied for divorce by mutual agreement.
I have been in AlAnon since November 2009 and one of the steps is to make amends for the hurt I have caused. That I truly desire. As a priest I would like to be known as one who heals and brings reconciliation for is this not what Jesus did his whole ministry? may mine also be. From this great suffering of my own life, my I be a healing presence for others.
Friday, May 7, 2010
"Visit the sick"
I have a friend whose husband is suffering from Parkinson's and had a mini stroke a week ago. Judy needed to get out to exercise-swimming is her thing so off I went to spend the early afternoon with Ray.
As you know I retired from being a hospice chaplain a year ago. I do not miss the work (for a for-profit agency), I do miss the ministry. But what a wonderful preparation for visiting the sick as a RCWP. I must ask Judy before I go next time if she would like Ray to receive communion.
I didn't know what to expect but I immediately felt "back at home in the ministry of hospice" Ray can understand everything but is having trouble with speech, he can feed himself, is walking with a walker. Judy and I had a short discussion about Ray's needs, what he could do, etc. and off she went. My experience went something like this:
1. Ray was eating jello and he finished it while I was there. He is having trouble swallowing so it was, "do not leave the room" while there is jello in his bowl.
2. A daughter stopped by and talked with dad. He responded very well discussing the golfers on the TV, as Ray was an avid golfer. While she was there I said, "Life can't get any better Ray, jello, golf on TV and a beautiful daughter visiting." Ray looked at me and all though he couldn't say anything, the look of great pleasure on his face and his smile was all I needed to know "God is present through loving daughters in our lives." (I smile as I write this, the memory of God's love is catching.)
3. After Judy left we discovered that I did not know how to get to a menu for the channels, we got into a do-loop of "pay for the movie." Finally I called Judy who by this time I thought would be "in over her head swimming" but God is good so she told me his favorite channel, the golf channel.
4. Ray soon fell asleep watching golf which I thought would happen as he had a workout from physical therapy earlier today. After a work-out and lunch is a perfect time to take a nap!
5. Kept sleeping until "ring" the darn phone! He sat upright in his chair! I touched his shoulder and said, "Phone woke you up Ray?" he looked at me, "I think I will go outside." I thought "oh oh" as I knew he used to go outside to smoke and I hadn't any word from Judy on this. But that wasn't it. I helped Ray get up to his stool/walker and said, "Ray lead us to the door!" and off he went through his home till we came to the porch. "Oh shoot" I thought "a step down!" Judy hadn't told me about it and Ray was determined. So I scooted by him so I was down step. I helped Ray put the walker down the step. Then ever so slowly, still hanging on to the walker, one foot at a time--he was down! I was ready to shout "Hurray for Ray" but didn't want to scare him. Out we went to the yard, Judy's yard is all garden and is beautiful. I asked Ray if he would like to sit in the sun (it was 85 today)or the shade. Ray chose the sun. Used his walker seat as a foot rest, laid back and closed his eyes!
When Judy came home she said, "He loves to sleep in the garden." I thought, "Yes to get away from that drat phone that woke him up. This man can still problem solve!
God is compassion and present in our lives:
In the goodness of a daughter who comes to visit.
in the knowledge of a spouse who knows she must take care of herself.
in the friends who prepare dinner and provide respite.
in the man who enjoys life in the limits of his life.
in the happiness I felt in providing words to what Ray was feeling in the ministrations of his daughter.
in the beauty of God's creation in the "Garden of Eden of Ray and Judy"
Let us take care of each other remembering the God who loves us and gave us two commandments:
1. Love God
2. Love your neighbor as yourself.
Blessings everyone.
As you know I retired from being a hospice chaplain a year ago. I do not miss the work (for a for-profit agency), I do miss the ministry. But what a wonderful preparation for visiting the sick as a RCWP. I must ask Judy before I go next time if she would like Ray to receive communion.
I didn't know what to expect but I immediately felt "back at home in the ministry of hospice" Ray can understand everything but is having trouble with speech, he can feed himself, is walking with a walker. Judy and I had a short discussion about Ray's needs, what he could do, etc. and off she went. My experience went something like this:
1. Ray was eating jello and he finished it while I was there. He is having trouble swallowing so it was, "do not leave the room" while there is jello in his bowl.
2. A daughter stopped by and talked with dad. He responded very well discussing the golfers on the TV, as Ray was an avid golfer. While she was there I said, "Life can't get any better Ray, jello, golf on TV and a beautiful daughter visiting." Ray looked at me and all though he couldn't say anything, the look of great pleasure on his face and his smile was all I needed to know "God is present through loving daughters in our lives." (I smile as I write this, the memory of God's love is catching.)
3. After Judy left we discovered that I did not know how to get to a menu for the channels, we got into a do-loop of "pay for the movie." Finally I called Judy who by this time I thought would be "in over her head swimming" but God is good so she told me his favorite channel, the golf channel.
4. Ray soon fell asleep watching golf which I thought would happen as he had a workout from physical therapy earlier today. After a work-out and lunch is a perfect time to take a nap!
5. Kept sleeping until "ring" the darn phone! He sat upright in his chair! I touched his shoulder and said, "Phone woke you up Ray?" he looked at me, "I think I will go outside." I thought "oh oh" as I knew he used to go outside to smoke and I hadn't any word from Judy on this. But that wasn't it. I helped Ray get up to his stool/walker and said, "Ray lead us to the door!" and off he went through his home till we came to the porch. "Oh shoot" I thought "a step down!" Judy hadn't told me about it and Ray was determined. So I scooted by him so I was down step. I helped Ray put the walker down the step. Then ever so slowly, still hanging on to the walker, one foot at a time--he was down! I was ready to shout "Hurray for Ray" but didn't want to scare him. Out we went to the yard, Judy's yard is all garden and is beautiful. I asked Ray if he would like to sit in the sun (it was 85 today)or the shade. Ray chose the sun. Used his walker seat as a foot rest, laid back and closed his eyes!
When Judy came home she said, "He loves to sleep in the garden." I thought, "Yes to get away from that drat phone that woke him up. This man can still problem solve!
God is compassion and present in our lives:
In the goodness of a daughter who comes to visit.
in the knowledge of a spouse who knows she must take care of herself.
in the friends who prepare dinner and provide respite.
in the man who enjoys life in the limits of his life.
in the happiness I felt in providing words to what Ray was feeling in the ministrations of his daughter.
in the beauty of God's creation in the "Garden of Eden of Ray and Judy"
Let us take care of each other remembering the God who loves us and gave us two commandments:
1. Love God
2. Love your neighbor as yourself.
Blessings everyone.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Op-Ed Columnist - Who Can Mock the True Catholic Church? - NYTimes.com
Op-Ed Columnist - Who Can Mock the True Catholic Church? - NYTimes.com
I don't know if you will be able to get to this op-ed piece. But he right on when he writes of the People of God doing the will of God and who would be a good candidate for pope.
I don't know if you will be able to get to this op-ed piece. But he right on when he writes of the People of God doing the will of God and who would be a good candidate for pope.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
May 1 The Beginning of Spring-I wept.
I wept on the way home today from exercising at the YMCA. It rained, they say often when the Derby runs, all day so I had to be inside. I was upset as I thought the Y stayed open until 9. I ran chores this afternoon and could have gone sooner; I thought I had the perfect day planned-to save exercise for the last part of the day.
When I lived in Virginia amidst my depression and co-dependency; I never went to the mountains all around us. I loved the red bud and dogwood trees, I loved the rhododendron and mountain laurel but I was too lost deep within my self to enter into the beauty around me. I always said, "I will go "next year" but for 17 years I never went alone except when company visited and wanted "to go to the woods"
Last year I moved into this apartment complex on May 1 and things were so hectic I didn't go to the mountains of Daniel Boone National Forest just a little over an hour away. Soon I headed to Ann Arbor to provide support for my sister recovering for surgery for the months of June and July. I didn't get to the mountains in the fall as I was preparing for ordination.
This year I was away until after Easter with the grandkids in FL and got home the middle of the month. I was determined I would not miss the mountains this year. I headed out to the DBNF last week to see the wildflowers and they were spectacular. Trilliums, red and white, dotted the hillsides and red buds and dogwoods bloomed. I knew there might be one other flower I could see-the jewel of the forest floor: the lady slipper. She comes pink and yellow and when I was out last week, I didn't even think to ask if lady slippers were blooming as I assumed they bloomed later in the spring.
As I was hiking last week a woman said, "I really would like to see a lady slipper" and I thought "Hmm I will call the botanist and ask." He said, "Oh yes they are blooming" Surprised I made plans for Thursday as the weather was predicted to be warm and sunny I headed out by myself to see if I could find beauty amidst the oak leaves.
First I followed a road into the forest edge. The botanist had instructed, "They are in the middle of the parking lot." I got out of my car and asked a couple having lunch at a table, "See any lady slippers around" He replied, "Of course look around they are everywhere" And they were! Their beautiful pink slippers hanging from a 6 inch stem arising from a cup of two lily shaped leaves. I visited another site on the other side of Natural Bridge in the park and again they blossomed at the edge of the path.
Gently very gently
I touch the purple jewels of God,
wrapped in their leaves of green.
Tears fell
All I can do is reverence
the awesomeness that is the
Beauty of God
Amongst the oak leave bower
in the sunlight
of Spring's morning.
Fourteen billion years in the growing
just for me.
I give thanks with heart overflowing filled with God's creation
I can see it, really see it for the very first time.
My heart was full all week with lady slipper beauty.
This afternoon I went to a movie by Tyler Perry.
He has been writing and making more dramas then comedy but I wanted to see it because Tyler is an excellent writer. However it was painful for it was about marriage relationships and the suffering in marriages, much like my own.
I was feeling very lonely as I walked out of the YMCA, upset that it closed at 8 instead of 9 PM. The rain had stopped and a golden sunset was bright behind me. I looked into the dark rainclouds in front of me and the rainbow arch, complete from one side of the sky to other stretched before me.
I could not believe the beauty of this rainbow against the dark almost black sky with lazy white clouds floating above me, seeming to flow under the arch. I began to weep and knew again that God is present with me and within me. Creation and we are one. There is no thing that is not of God not Sacred.
Such beauty I have been gifted to see this week not made by human hands but directly from this wonderful earth that has been living and creating for 14 billion years. I found such peace this week in nature by myself for the very first time in my life.
I keep asking myself, "Is this my priesthood lived by a woman coming up out of depression and a spiritually abusive marriage?" To be filled with gratitude for the true beauty of the earth. To be able to see it and experience it and to feel at home in natural beauty. A gift beyond measure to be cherished forever and never to be taken away.
Who are we with such hubris that oil spills all over the coasts of Louisiana this day? May we come to consciousness to protect the earth and all life of its abundance. Blessings this day may you experience the God of Creation.
When I lived in Virginia amidst my depression and co-dependency; I never went to the mountains all around us. I loved the red bud and dogwood trees, I loved the rhododendron and mountain laurel but I was too lost deep within my self to enter into the beauty around me. I always said, "I will go "next year" but for 17 years I never went alone except when company visited and wanted "to go to the woods"
Last year I moved into this apartment complex on May 1 and things were so hectic I didn't go to the mountains of Daniel Boone National Forest just a little over an hour away. Soon I headed to Ann Arbor to provide support for my sister recovering for surgery for the months of June and July. I didn't get to the mountains in the fall as I was preparing for ordination.
This year I was away until after Easter with the grandkids in FL and got home the middle of the month. I was determined I would not miss the mountains this year. I headed out to the DBNF last week to see the wildflowers and they were spectacular. Trilliums, red and white, dotted the hillsides and red buds and dogwoods bloomed. I knew there might be one other flower I could see-the jewel of the forest floor: the lady slipper. She comes pink and yellow and when I was out last week, I didn't even think to ask if lady slippers were blooming as I assumed they bloomed later in the spring.
As I was hiking last week a woman said, "I really would like to see a lady slipper" and I thought "Hmm I will call the botanist and ask." He said, "Oh yes they are blooming" Surprised I made plans for Thursday as the weather was predicted to be warm and sunny I headed out by myself to see if I could find beauty amidst the oak leaves.
First I followed a road into the forest edge. The botanist had instructed, "They are in the middle of the parking lot." I got out of my car and asked a couple having lunch at a table, "See any lady slippers around" He replied, "Of course look around they are everywhere" And they were! Their beautiful pink slippers hanging from a 6 inch stem arising from a cup of two lily shaped leaves. I visited another site on the other side of Natural Bridge in the park and again they blossomed at the edge of the path.
Gently very gently
I touch the purple jewels of God,
wrapped in their leaves of green.
Tears fell
All I can do is reverence
the awesomeness that is the
Beauty of God
Amongst the oak leave bower
in the sunlight
of Spring's morning.
Fourteen billion years in the growing
just for me.
I give thanks with heart overflowing filled with God's creation
I can see it, really see it for the very first time.
My heart was full all week with lady slipper beauty.
This afternoon I went to a movie by Tyler Perry.
He has been writing and making more dramas then comedy but I wanted to see it because Tyler is an excellent writer. However it was painful for it was about marriage relationships and the suffering in marriages, much like my own.
I was feeling very lonely as I walked out of the YMCA, upset that it closed at 8 instead of 9 PM. The rain had stopped and a golden sunset was bright behind me. I looked into the dark rainclouds in front of me and the rainbow arch, complete from one side of the sky to other stretched before me.
I could not believe the beauty of this rainbow against the dark almost black sky with lazy white clouds floating above me, seeming to flow under the arch. I began to weep and knew again that God is present with me and within me. Creation and we are one. There is no thing that is not of God not Sacred.
Such beauty I have been gifted to see this week not made by human hands but directly from this wonderful earth that has been living and creating for 14 billion years. I found such peace this week in nature by myself for the very first time in my life.
I keep asking myself, "Is this my priesthood lived by a woman coming up out of depression and a spiritually abusive marriage?" To be filled with gratitude for the true beauty of the earth. To be able to see it and experience it and to feel at home in natural beauty. A gift beyond measure to be cherished forever and never to be taken away.
Who are we with such hubris that oil spills all over the coasts of Louisiana this day? May we come to consciousness to protect the earth and all life of its abundance. Blessings this day may you experience the God of Creation.
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