Waiting on God

I was ordained February 6, 2010. Since my ordination I have been waiting for God to give me a sign as to "What next for ministry?" I want to work for peace and justice but the question is where? Here in KY, DC, Chicago, somewhere else?

Two times I went to DC to attempt to find a place and two times I was unsuccessful. The latest because I cannot get out of my lease until 10/31 and the woman was looking for someone to move in Sept 1. In both Chicago and DC there are active peace and justice communities that I could be connected to. Here there is not an active community.

Attending AlAnon every Saturday, I listen to folks who have worked the 12 steps (same as for AA)and hear their stories and how their behavior has changed. Today the discussion was centered around "patience" and "knowing how to respond" yet not "planning" or taking action. God provides the means, the words whatever is necessary in the situation. Two experiences came to my mind:

I wrote on May 28 about my "feeling the need" to step into a situation where I believed I needed to take action. However the way the situation resolved itself had not one iota of a connection with my "stepping in" God provided the answer through the health care system and it had nothing to do with me. I stepped in and hurt family member feelings when if I had done nothing, no one would have been hurt and God would have provided the same results for my cousin Mike.

Today, I called a lawyer about getting out of my lease. The management company has it written that I must pay a penalty of two months rent: $1250 if I break the lease. Basically I think I must stay here until November 1to not pay the penalty. However, Steve will come over next week to read the lease and see if he agrees with my understanding. As soon as I hung up the phone, I got a call from a friend in Chicago who said, "The apartment you looked at is still open. The landlord is still working on it." I said, "I have a lawyer looking at the lease this week, I will call you back and let you know about the apartment."

In Jungian theory, synchronicity is an event over which I have no control yet it reinforces my emotional state or is an indication of what the universe would like me to do. Having these two phone calls back to back seems to indicate that "I will get out of the lease and that I am to head back to Chicago" where a reasonable cost apartment is waiting for me.

What makes me smile is that when I left Chicago I told friends, "I am only going on sabbatical. If God wills I will return." I think this is true, we will see what happens this week. Again, I don't have to take action, God opens doors.

Active Imagination: the Tiger

I wanted to write about my exploration of the energy within myself. This energy is the life of God within each person. In our evolution at the deepest level we are one with life "of being" yet we live in the world of separateness, of duality. In the book "The Power of Now" by Tolle he speaks of our challenge to let "all of mind" go except to experience the "being" which is our very self without human limitations. It is the life which exists when we die.

When I write, I think of the drop of the ocean which is separated as part of a wave breaking before it hits the shore. The droplet then returns to the ocean. I am not the first that uses this metaphor for life. Our lives are a droplet before we return to the "ocean of being" which is eternal, infinite and undifferentiated/without the dualism of experienced individual selves. If we come to consciousness, we know we are individual yet equally a part of the wholeness of consciousness and creation. We live and play our part in human evolution to become conscious of this oneness and letting go of all dualisms or opposites or the paradox.

As I have written earlier, the tiger is an ambivalent symbol: creation and destruction. I had wanted to work with this symbol in my PTSD session but Dr. S chose an earlier dream.

From Jung's work I knew I could re-enter the dream while conscious and continue to experience the tiger and myself. During my prayer time I settled into my chair with this intention "I will try to dialogue with the tiger" This is my experience.

I was back at the top of the ramp.
The tiger was coming toward me the same as in my dream except now a young girl was riding on his back.

I knew she was my inner child.
I began to weep and continued to do so throughout this experience.
I picked the child up and hugged her.
I got down on my knees and hugged the tiger.
I asked him "What do you need from me?" He gave no reply.

I thanked the tiger for bringing my childself to me.
I hugged him and patted his head.
We all walked out of the ramp together.
______________________________

I remembered that I had recently purchased a white tiger for my DIL Jodi as she likes the "big cats" the best of all. I never sent it to her and now I will keep it. Maybe that is why I like Jodi, maybe she also has the energy of the white tiger.

PTSD Therapy Journey Today

Again I share the depth of my journey so that you may receive courage and strength to follow your own path inward until you discover the truth of who you are as a daughter or son of God.

I had a dream about a tiger (with spots not stripes) and took it to the therapist as the dream symbol of a Tiger is "ambivalent" "creation and destruction" and as these were discovered to be the two polar opposites of psychic energy within me I wanted to address this energy.

I also told Dr. S about the dream from 2002 in which I saw a creature, neither man nor woman but wearing a white dress with spots, similar to the spots on the tiger.

We talked of many things but did not use the recent dream but the original dream as it held a lot of energy for me.

I was to stand in the room and see the image in my imagination. Extend my arm and put my finger in the center. I had difficulty but finally was able to see "the thing" as the dinosaur wearing the white dress. I turned around 3 times and my feeling was a strong curiosity of wanting to know about this image. He had me turn the other way around three times to check what would happen. The creature now became a young woman who was smiling. I felt joy and peace. So Dr. S concluded the work and I felt free of the energy of the image.

I will try to paint both the tiger and the creature one day. To honor them as archetypes of primal energy within me. I felt I have used the negative energy of the destroyer all of my life but not the energy of creating. So now it is time to create.

When we speak of sin, I believe the writers of the Jewish scripture were trying to describe these energies and how they were lived out in lives. The energy when one is unconscious is acted out "we often sin" not because we choose to do so but because of these psychic/spiritual energy with in expressing itself.

Getting To Know KY

Summer is a time for re-creation, re-newal, re-laxing. My sister Connie and long time friend Margaret drove down to KY last Sat to spend time exploring KY. I have had a very, very busy year while in Ky since moving May 1 2009.

Now I feel as if "Today is the rest of my life." I feel at the deepest center that I am at peace. I want my life to unfold as the God of Evolution wills it. Have I done what God has asked me to? This week was a break from all questions and time to explore the beauty that is KY.

I will randomly list the places we visited and my reflections.
1. We visited the KY Horse Park here in Lexington. A beautiful exhibit on the history of the horse is on display for the Equestrian games coming in Sept. The display includes many artifacts from the Middle East: actual horse equipment-saddles, bits etc. Clothes worn by TE Lawrence, better known as Laurence of Arabia. Many paintings of all things horse related. Wonderful exhibit and Connie and I spent about 2 hours there.

2. We attended an outdoor theater in the UK Arboretum, a production of "Pride and Prejudice" Wonderful play but hot and muggy the evening. Everyone enjoyed it even though we wondered at the ongoing light show Mother Nature provided to the West.

3. We visited, a first for all of us, Woodford Reserve, home of the "best bourbon" in Ky. We learned the making of whiskey and both Connie and Margaret purchased some bourbon products from whiskey to pancake syrup. I think we all enjoyed the bourbon ball candy the best.

4. We headed to Louisville and spent the evening aboard a dinner cruise. Very warm, gentle water and wind, a nice way to end a pleasing day. Can't say that ended the day for we headed to the famous Brown Hotel for a mint julep, for each of us our first one. At $12 a bit pricey but worth it! They really are refreshing. I bought a postcard with the recipe in case I ever get "wild and crazy"

5. Wednesday we put Connie on a plane and headed to a most wonderful modern museum called "21C Museum Hotel" This complex was designed by an architectural firm who re-plans city space. See: http://www.21chotel.com/hotel/default.aspx The first two floors are modern art museum. The piece de resistance for me was a tornado from the first to basement floor. It hangs loose in the space swirling all silver. It represents a killer tornado that hit Louisville in the 1970's and it contains pieces found after it passed.

6. Thursday we headed S to Glasgow KY to see Mammoth Cave and to stay at a historic B&B place. What is amazing the woman owner after they moved to the town from CA found out her family had come from Glasgow and moved out West! A lot of this small town is her family! She gave us a oral history of the house which was part of the underground railroad! It connected to two other homes in the city. The tunnels were closed and there are no plans to re-open at this time. We truly had a wonderful night sleeping among all the antiques they had brought with them from AZ where they had lived.

Margaret left early Sat morning to head to her home in MI ladened down with souvenirs and good memories. It was wonderful having my friend and sister for me for a week. I hope that we will be able to do it again! I give thanks to God for friendship and family.

Dream after therapy July 18

As I have written I have been in PTSD therapy so that I might be healed and be the best RCWP I can be with my gifts and knowing my limitations.

I had this dream:
It is day. I am in a repair shop. I am going to leave the service area by walking down a ramp. The ramp looks like it is made for people not autos. It has a cement floor and brick walls with windows of bricked glass, the kind you can't see through but let in light.

I start down and a white tiger with black spots that are hard to see is coming up the ramp with its tail swishing. I turn around and escape shutting the door and telling everyone, "A tiger is on the ramp." He gets out and everyone is in a panic.

I wake up.
__________________________________

I looked up the symbol "tiger: ambivalent, solar and lunar, creator and destroyer. A white tiger may symbolize the western region (where the sun sets), season of autumn, element of metal."

I certainly am in the autumn of my life heading toward 68 years of age. In my early sessions I wrote about the primes of my life being creator/destroyer. Here it is in a dream image. After this dream I notice a lessening of emotional and physical energy. I propose that I carried the energy of destruction and that gave me energy to live and force answers. Now I have released the anger/destruction and rest in a peaceful being of self.

I do not feel driven to accomplish/carry forth/change any more. I want to be who I am after a lifetime of striving. I want to be loving and kind to all whom I meet, that is enough for me. The question is, "If I have gotten energy from my anger/destructive self, where will I now get my energy?" How do I replace the energy of the tiger within

A Memorial for Fr. Bill Callahan, MD, 7-10-10

Rev. William R. Callahan Dies at 78; Dissident Who Challenged Vatican
By DOUGLAS MARTIN
Published: July 9, 2010

The Rev. William R. Callahan, a Roman Catholic priest and self-described “impossible dreamer” whose vociferous and organized opposition to Vatican policies prompted Jesuit officials to expel him from their order, died on Monday in Washington. He was 78.

The Rev. William R. Callahan

The cause was complications of Parkinson’s disease, said the Quixote Center, an organization that Father Callahan helped found to press for reforms in the church and society. It is independent of the church and based in Brentwood, Md. He lived there.

Like Cervantes’s fictional character who inspired the center’s name, Father Callahan tilted at windmills and never accomplished his major goals, the biggest of which was ordaining women as priests. But his spirited campaigns made him a thorn in the church’s side for a generation.

“Bill tried to be a prophetic voice in the church, a voice crying in the wilderness,” said the Rev. Thomas J. Reese, a senior fellow at the Woodstock Theological Center at Georgetown University.

Father Callahan remained a priest after his expulsion from the Jesuit order, the Society of Jesus, in 1991, but the church barred him from acting as one. Known widely as Bill, he still sometimes used the honorifics “Reverend” and “Father.”

He aggravated church officials during the American tour of Pope John Paul II in 1979 by imploring priests to refuse to help the pope in celebrating Mass. Father Callahan’s hope was that more lay women would then have to be enlisted to assist at the services.

When the pope that year insisted that barring women from becoming priests was not a human rights issue, Father Callahan replied, “Perhaps this is not a human rights issue because women are not human or they do not have rights.” He told The Washington Post in 1989 that he was simply “following the example of Jesus, who was never willing to shut up.”

In 1971, Father Callahan helped found the Center of Concern, an organization devoted to social justice issues. In 1975 he started Priests for Equality, to work for the ordination of women. He started the Quixote Center in 1976 with Dolly Pomerleau, who became a work partner of his for many years. They married days before he died.

The Quixote Center achieved particular prominence in its support of the leftist government of Nicaragua in the 1980s, a stance directly at odds with that of the Reagan administration. It raised more than $100 million in humanitarian aid for the Nicaraguan government.

Other projects included printing religious books in which language it viewed as sexist, racist and homophobic was expunged. Father Callahan himself wrote “Noisy Contemplation: Deep Prayer for Busy People” (1982), which called God a “merry” sort who viewed humans as entertainment.

In 1979, Jesuit leaders rebuked Father Callahan for his defiance of dogma, and by 1989 his Nicaraguan activities and liberal initiatives in the church, including a ministry for gay Catholics, had set off calls for his expulsion from the Jesuit order. He unsuccessfully fought the action, which he claimed was never explained.

Father Callahan remained active at Quixote and continued to preach to informal gatherings of dissident Catholics.

William Reed Callahan was born on Sept. 5, 1931, in Scituate, Mass. His mother was a Unitarian and his father a Catholic. His mother died when he was 6 months old, and he was raised by paternal grandparents as a Catholic, Ms. Pomerleau said.

He attended the Jesuit-run Boston College High School and after graduating joined the New England Province of the Society of Jesuits in 1948. He had hoped to be an agronomist, but the Jesuits asked him to study physics because they needed physics professors in their universities.

Father Callahan earned bachelor’s and master’s degrees from Boston College and a Ph.D. in physics from Johns Hopkins University in 1962. While pursuing the degree, he worked for NASA on weather satellites. He then moved to Connecticut to teach physics at Fairfield University, a Jesuit institution. He was ordained as a priest in 1965.

Father Callahan mourned the waning of optimism among his generation of Catholic reformers as the church hierarchy grew increasingly conservative. In an interview with The Post in 2006, he said he drew inspiration from Don Quixote.

“He dreams, he has visions, but he’s basically a silly old man,” Father Callahan said. “When people work on social justice issues, they don’t win much and wind up dropping out. To laugh at oneself from the beginning is essential.”
_________________________________________________________________________________

During the 80's, 90's I supported the Quixote Center with donations. I purchased the inclusive readings for Sundays and the Inclusive Bible when completed. But my main interaction with Bill and the staff at Quixote was during my horrendous eight months sojourn at WRAMC. Retired Col Martha Turner introduced me to the Wednesday night liturgy and it was my spiritual life giving fountain during my 8 months at WR.

We sat in a 15 foot square room its walls covered with art from Nicaragua, the chairs in a circle and table in the center. The presider rotated and I even think I presided one evening, I don't remember. The dialogue homily was joined by all and of course my sharing always centered on what I was experiencing that week, that day at Walter Reed. Even though the people of Quixote were very against the military and war I was accepted and my story honored.

Ken and Nancy from the Center purchased a car that Jason could drive while at WR. We passed it on to someone else when we left in June 2006.

I remember our pot luck dinners after liturgy with Martha worried that we needed to eat healthy foods. She is a RN and nutritionist. It was time with extended "family." An hour of normalcy amongst the sorrow of Walter Reed.

I can never repay the kindness of Quixote Center and especially Bill. I asked for a private counseling session and Bill clarified the path that I had begun, the path of coming to consciousness about my own life. The path of confrontation with, separation and eventual divorce from my Jason's father. I remember Bill's kindness, his gentleness and his respect for my story.

I was able to attend the liturgy in March and in June while looking for a place to live in DC. At the June liturgy I read for Bill this prayer, adapted from one written by a lay Maryknoller:

Bill, Go forth in peace
don't fear the darkness,
your life and ours
are one in God.

Bill though you do not know this road
Jesus walks before you
and waits ahead with open arms
to welcome you.

So lift your eyes
set down your burden
make your step light
and greet this day with joy.

When you are weary
and cannot face the morning
Jesus carries you safely
within his loving arms.

Wherever you go now
you are never alone.
Wherever you go now
you are only going home.

from Vicki Armour-Hileman, missioner to Thailand


I was able to visit Bill in the hospital about a week before his death on July 5. I made the visit at the request of Dolly who wanted me to give Bill communion. However when I arrived, old friends from Quixote were present to give Bill communion. I read a passage and then I hugged Bill one last time, "Bill may great angels wrap their wings about you and keep you safe on the journey." Bill died less than a week later with his wife Dolly at his side. In hospice we said always, "A person will die with those who he/she desires at the bedside." And so it was with Bill. He only needed his partner in justice and peacemaking for 40 years to be present. A blessed transition from this life till eternity.

We have a new patron saint to guard over us and to direct us in our ministry for and with the People of God.

With Bill's death I feel that I have lost a spiritual father, someone I admired and greatly respected. I made poor choices in my life and regret that I did not follow Bill "into the fields" until late in my life.

His memorial card included his photo and this quote "We travel with a God who loves us. We travel with a community of faith. We'll often remember that we're crabgrass Christians, whose love can survive in the cracks of life's sidewalks. Our love reminds us that God's Spirit is with us all days. We are blessed with a merry God. Indeed we are the entertainment."

The presiders at Bill's memorial, he gave his body to a medical school were Fr Fred a married priest and Bishop Andrea Johnson, RCWP Eastern region. I am going to include "one of Bill's favorite canons by Teilhard de Chardin" from the Order of the liturgy:

..."I will make the whole earth my altar and on it will offer you all the labors and sufferings of the world. "Over there, on the horizon, the sun has just touched with light the outermost fringe of the eastern sky. Once, again, beneath this moving sheet of fire, the living surface of the earth wakes and trembles, and once again begins its fearful travail. I will place on my paten, O God, the harvest to be won by this renewal of labor. Into my chalice I shall pour all the sap which is to be pressed out this day from the earth's fruits.

Over every living thing which is to spring up, to grow, to flower, to ripen during this day, say again your words: This is my body.

And over every death force which waits in readiness to corrode, to wither, to cut down, speak again your commanding words which express the supreme mystery of faith: This is my blood."

Fr. Bill Callahan: Presente.

A Dream of Healing

I wrote on Thursday of my healing work in PTSD therapy. This morning I had this dream:

I was in a large space filled with people and things. It was day. Jasn was lying on the floor, weeping. Lisa was at his side trying to comfort him. There was also someone else close by, maybe one of my sisters?

In this dream are my animus-Jason and anima-Lisa, both my children, both "part of me" that is part of my emotional self. Jason is weeping and I now realize after yesterday that it is my animus that was wounded in my childhood and marriage. Now I must focus on healing my animus, my male self. Because it is maleness that is assertive and makes a mark in the world.

I will take this dream to therapy next week and we will address the healing of my animus there.

God wants us to heal and we can using all the knowledge of faith, psychology, socialogy, Al Anon and all the knowledge humanity has gained. God may heal us directly but we must identify and "till the soil" as St. Therese said.

What is Different in My Life?

For most of my life I was neurotic, anxious, depressed, fearful. Through the grace of God I am slowly being healed of the wounds of life. We all have them. I want to tell you the story of today and share "What is different in my life?"

I wanted to drive to Ann Arbor MI today so I can attend a "family reunion" of sorts because all my nieces and nephews (brother Joe's children and grandchildren) are gathering at one of their homes to celebrate the 4th and set off fireworks.

I had driven my 2004 Prius with 100K plus miles about 20 miles N on 75 out of Lexington KY when the dashboard lit up like a Christmas tree! They have a huge red triangle with an exclamation point; gets one's attention. I immediately called Toyota service "Drive it to the dealership" so I did.

I did not freak out, I did not cry. I did not feel powerless. I did not not know what to do. My heart and spirit remained calm and at peace. This was a problem to be solved. Because the fireworks are on Sat. I decided I would bare the cost of renting a car for a week as I would not be able to wait until the problem was diagnosed or leave on Sat for Ann Arbor. I asked service to have a car for me.

I arrived, Enterprise was waiting to take me to get my loaner, I got it. BTW prepay the gas I got it for $2.36 today a whole lot cheaper than the $2.69 at the pump. I was very glad I got a car.

I went back to the Prius, unloaded my food and suitcase and headed N again, now after noon. I hit the wall at Cincinnati and all through Ohio. They have spent all their stimulus money on road rebuilding. It took me 11 hours to get to Ann Arbor MI the same time it took me to fly to Roma. I recommend not driving through Ohio anytime soon. Mapquest said it would take me a little over 5 hours, little do they know!

What amazed me about the day is that I felt a deep peace inside ALL through the creeping at 5 miles an hour, mile after mile. What was going on on the outside did not have an impact on my feelings for the FIRST time in my life. I give this experience over to grace and healing and never giving up on the search for healing. Since November 2009 I have been attending Al Anon very regularly and I have started PTSD therapy to heal from the trauma of my childhood. I think that it is successful and I will continue to heal for the rest of my life. I am not afraid to go to the darkest places in my soul and ask the God who is there to heal me.

I know God is there
Psalm 139:
Where could I run from your presence?...
If I make my bed in Death, you are already there;
If I go up to the heavens, you are there...
I could fly away with wings made of dawn,
or make my home on the far side of he sea,
but even there your hand will guide me.

If I say, "The darkness will hide me,
(the darkness of being unconscious)
and night will be my only light,"
even darkness won't be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day--
darkness and light are the same to you.

Continue to seek healing in all circumstances, never give up.
For the God of Evolution wants you and us collectively to heal and become ever more human. Jesus is our Way, he walks beside us. Reach out and seek healing.

Have a great July 4th weekend filled with making happy memories.

PTSD Therapy: Discovering the Opposites Within

It is important for all who read this blog. I share the deepest levels of my spiritual/emotional journey so we might all evolve to a higher level of consciousness. If I take the journey to the darkest parts of my psyche/shadow, then maybe I can encourage/give permission to you to do the same. Truly we can be blind emotionally all of our lives, I was until I was 62 and stood at Jason's bedside at Walter Reed. However emotional growth does not exist in time. If I heal today, I have healed all of my life especially going forward in a new consciousness. I will have the freedom to choose a different path of behavior.

If I behave in a certain emotional pattern, my partner in relationship can support the behavior or challenge me to grow/change. I grew up in an abusive alcoholic home. The only time my mother touched me was to beat me. The only words were ones of criticism. As a child I was powerless and this became an emotional pattern for me. "Love" was violent-emotionally and spiritually. Lived out in relationships it may become sadistic/masochistic as I described in the June 2 post. I couple this experience with the RCC's dictate that "we should suffer like Christ" for redemption of the world. I was primed for suffering as a way of life. I returned to the same therapist today. I wanted to address the other side of myself in my marriage relationship. If the relationship was sadistic, then "How am I masochistic in relationships?" That is seeking pain or humiliation.

The therapeutic process was the same one I related in the earlier session. I had failed to mention that Dr. S takes succinct notes which he reads back to me, repeating the words I have used then asking me to move beyond where I am if I can. I am to share new experiences of feelings, images and thoughts. He always wants to know if their is a relationship or exchange between the feelings or images. He also read my blog entry of June 2 which the includes the dream I had at WR, the dream of empowerment and freeing myself from the web of unconsciousness and destructive relationship to Dow. He often muses out loud, "What is the opposite?" "What is another word? another metaphor?" Encouraging me to explore the image as deep as I can. Instructions remained the same "Dive deep" into the feelings, the image.

Dr. S read my blog journal notes and commented on them. He particularly liked my choice in the lucid dream at Walter Reed. I had written that I had to do the same with all other conflict within me.

Today I was to answer as myself not another person.
I chose a scene where I felt my own behavior arose from a masochistic need within myself. This event(amongst many) occurred within my marriage, I believe that it was after Jason had joined the Army (after 9/11/01) Dow and I were laying on the bed together. It was morning as I remember the sunlight coming through the bedroom windows and lighting the king-sized bed. I remember we were discussing our relationship and Dow asked me, "Why are you still married?" I answered "Because I made wedding vows." I remember feeling so very defeated and trapped.

This is where the therapy session began.
I saw the bedroom image in my mind's eye.
Somehow Dr. S going through the feelings, using the pressure points around my eyes, moved my experience to also contain a power image.
The power image was Wonder Woman standing at the bedside with her hands on her hips. I smiled because I thought the actress who played WW was the most beautiful woman and I loved her power and persona.

Dr. S continued to go back to the "defeated and trapped" feelings exploring my experiences of them. I kept going back to the bedroom in the condo, seeing Dow under the sheets. Dr S asked "What is the opposite of powerlessness?" This is when Wonder Woman made her appearance. I told Dr S I thought it was the feminine powerful part of me. So now we had defeated and trapped versus powerful woman parts of my psyche, the opposites.

I do not know how/when but Wonder Woman picked me and took me out of the bed. I knew I was held in her arms but I could not see myself there. The bed was bathed in sunlight. Dow became the image of trapped and defeated. The feelings looked like a human brain-gray matter with lines. Dr. S asked "Why are these feelings Dow's?" I thought and maybe said, "I walked out on him, Dow is left with only himself, trapped and defeated."

Somehow we moved into these images as representing Creativity and Destruction the "Primal Energies of the universe." These energies within me must be brought together as one for healing. The imaging continued.

The image of trapped and defeated became dirt (no longer a brain) with a flower growing forth (new life, resurrection), not iris nor tulip, but something itself with a brilliant yellow-white flower grew out of this "dirt." This flower transformed into a white dove who flew away. Wonder Woman added wings as I talked about the image of St. Michael the Archangel. The images of creativity became myself at an easel using pastels. The image of destruction became myself axing an large oak tree. But neither of these images "lasted." The artist worked but the axing of the tree became an angel (story I read yesterday in my issue of Angels-a guidepost magazine)of an artist who carved an angel from a tree stump.

At Different points I repeated the words, "I love myself unconditionally holding simultaneously trapped/defeated and power." At some point I mentioned sending Jason to war as destruction yet even this was folded into creativity of the Mystery of life. I called it "Sacred Ground" of reality. Like the Big Bang from nothing, the universe began. I realized afresh that I have within myself the energies of destruction and creativity.

After this part of the session, Dr. S led me through a series of opposites which were to bring the opposites into relationship with each other and my own realization that all is one unity. What Thich Nan Han teaches; "The rose is in the compost, the compost is in the rose." He was disgruntled a little because I would bring "old herstory" into the now. He said, "Don't do that, where are you now in your understanding after the work today?"

All of this reminded me of a very vivid dream of my childhood: I was very young and facing a green skeleton of death with the cross bones underneath. It was very, very scary. I have often thought of it at different times of my life as I never have faced a life threatening physical situation but I sure succumbed to "death of my soul" for most of my life. The force of destruction is within each of us, this is an accepted Jungian concept. We act it out in the outer reality. Jesus talks about those who are "whited sepulchers" looking good on the outside and filled with death within.

My creativity has been blocked all my life. I loved the garden in VA loved to do pastels but have done neither for many years.

With the release of masochism from life will my creativity be renewed? I am sure I have more work to do. Dr. Skags said, "This is good stuff" and has another exercise for our session next week. It was good being me and "diving into the depths of my psyche" as I know deepest within God resides as Julian of Norwich has described "Jesus the king in the center of the city." I know I feel at peace within and I think working with Dr. Skaggs is part of this feeling of peace as I draw the various threads of my life from the shadow into the light of consciousness.

I will have to share my poem with Dr Skaggs next week. It addresses the opposites and death and life and the unity in all of life. You may have read it somewhere already but I will post it here, from My Journal during Jason’s time in Iraq:

I was in denial that Jason would participate fully in this war. The San Francisco Chronicle embedded a reporter with his platoon and on June 5,2005 reported that Jason’s men had fired on and destroyed a pick-up and the persons inside. I wrote the following:

A poem of sorrow

A mother waits
A messenger comes to her door
The sun stops in its course across the sky
And plunges her world into night.
Sorrow so deep
Her wail so strong
It broke my heart
Here in Chicago this day.

Joined together forever are we
One son gave an order
One son died
We are one in our tears.
“I am sorry our cultures say, “War is the answer.”
“I am sorry my son says, “Fire”

I hold your son in my arms
And pray for your healing
And may the world be reconciled
To know that we are one.

June 6, 2005

On October 15, 2005 while on patrol, Jason lost his eye and arm to a road side bomb. He was flown to WRAMC where he spent a year healing from his injuries. I spent 8 months living at Walter Reed holding my son and praying for his healing. While there I ministered to wounded soldiers, their family members, and Walter Reed staff.