Rev. William R. Callahan Dies at 78; Dissident Who Challenged Vatican
By DOUGLAS MARTIN
Published: July 9, 2010
The Rev. William R. Callahan, a Roman Catholic priest and self-described “impossible dreamer” whose vociferous and organized opposition to Vatican policies prompted Jesuit officials to expel him from their order, died on Monday in Washington. He was 78.
The Rev. William R. Callahan
The cause was complications of Parkinson’s disease, said the Quixote Center, an organization that Father Callahan helped found to press for reforms in the church and society. It is independent of the church and based in Brentwood, Md. He lived there.
Like Cervantes’s fictional character who inspired the center’s name, Father Callahan tilted at windmills and never accomplished his major goals, the biggest of which was ordaining women as priests. But his spirited campaigns made him a thorn in the church’s side for a generation.
“Bill tried to be a prophetic voice in the church, a voice crying in the wilderness,” said the Rev. Thomas J. Reese, a senior fellow at the Woodstock Theological Center at Georgetown University.
Father Callahan remained a priest after his expulsion from the Jesuit order, the Society of Jesus, in 1991, but the church barred him from acting as one. Known widely as Bill, he still sometimes used the honorifics “Reverend” and “Father.”
He aggravated church officials during the American tour of Pope John Paul II in 1979 by imploring priests to refuse to help the pope in celebrating Mass. Father Callahan’s hope was that more lay women would then have to be enlisted to assist at the services.
When the pope that year insisted that barring women from becoming priests was not a human rights issue, Father Callahan replied, “Perhaps this is not a human rights issue because women are not human or they do not have rights.” He told The Washington Post in 1989 that he was simply “following the example of Jesus, who was never willing to shut up.”
In 1971, Father Callahan helped found the Center of Concern, an organization devoted to social justice issues. In 1975 he started Priests for Equality, to work for the ordination of women. He started the Quixote Center in 1976 with Dolly Pomerleau, who became a work partner of his for many years. They married days before he died.
The Quixote Center achieved particular prominence in its support of the leftist government of Nicaragua in the 1980s, a stance directly at odds with that of the Reagan administration. It raised more than $100 million in humanitarian aid for the Nicaraguan government.
Other projects included printing religious books in which language it viewed as sexist, racist and homophobic was expunged. Father Callahan himself wrote “Noisy Contemplation: Deep Prayer for Busy People” (1982), which called God a “merry” sort who viewed humans as entertainment.
In 1979, Jesuit leaders rebuked Father Callahan for his defiance of dogma, and by 1989 his Nicaraguan activities and liberal initiatives in the church, including a ministry for gay Catholics, had set off calls for his expulsion from the Jesuit order. He unsuccessfully fought the action, which he claimed was never explained.
Father Callahan remained active at Quixote and continued to preach to informal gatherings of dissident Catholics.
William Reed Callahan was born on Sept. 5, 1931, in Scituate, Mass. His mother was a Unitarian and his father a Catholic. His mother died when he was 6 months old, and he was raised by paternal grandparents as a Catholic, Ms. Pomerleau said.
He attended the Jesuit-run Boston College High School and after graduating joined the New England Province of the Society of Jesuits in 1948. He had hoped to be an agronomist, but the Jesuits asked him to study physics because they needed physics professors in their universities.
Father Callahan earned bachelor’s and master’s degrees from Boston College and a Ph.D. in physics from Johns Hopkins University in 1962. While pursuing the degree, he worked for NASA on weather satellites. He then moved to Connecticut to teach physics at Fairfield University, a Jesuit institution. He was ordained as a priest in 1965.
Father Callahan mourned the waning of optimism among his generation of Catholic reformers as the church hierarchy grew increasingly conservative. In an interview with The Post in 2006, he said he drew inspiration from Don Quixote.
“He dreams, he has visions, but he’s basically a silly old man,” Father Callahan said. “When people work on social justice issues, they don’t win much and wind up dropping out. To laugh at oneself from the beginning is essential.”
_________________________________________________________________________________
During the 80's, 90's I supported the Quixote Center with donations. I purchased the inclusive readings for Sundays and the Inclusive Bible when completed. But my main interaction with Bill and the staff at Quixote was during my horrendous eight months sojourn at WRAMC. Retired Col Martha Turner introduced me to the Wednesday night liturgy and it was my spiritual life giving fountain during my 8 months at WR.
We sat in a 15 foot square room its walls covered with art from Nicaragua, the chairs in a circle and table in the center. The presider rotated and I even think I presided one evening, I don't remember. The dialogue homily was joined by all and of course my sharing always centered on what I was experiencing that week, that day at Walter Reed. Even though the people of Quixote were very against the military and war I was accepted and my story honored.
Ken and Nancy from the Center purchased a car that Jason could drive while at WR. We passed it on to someone else when we left in June 2006.
I remember our pot luck dinners after liturgy with Martha worried that we needed to eat healthy foods. She is a RN and nutritionist. It was time with extended "family." An hour of normalcy amongst the sorrow of Walter Reed.
I can never repay the kindness of Quixote Center and especially Bill. I asked for a private counseling session and Bill clarified the path that I had begun, the path of coming to consciousness about my own life. The path of confrontation with, separation and eventual divorce from my Jason's father. I remember Bill's kindness, his gentleness and his respect for my story.
I was able to attend the liturgy in March and in June while looking for a place to live in DC. At the June liturgy I read for Bill this prayer, adapted from one written by a lay Maryknoller:
Bill, Go forth in peace
don't fear the darkness,
your life and ours
are one in God.
Bill though you do not know this road
Jesus walks before you
and waits ahead with open arms
to welcome you.
So lift your eyes
set down your burden
make your step light
and greet this day with joy.
When you are weary
and cannot face the morning
Jesus carries you safely
within his loving arms.
Wherever you go now
you are never alone.
Wherever you go now
you are only going home.
from Vicki Armour-Hileman, missioner to Thailand
I was able to visit Bill in the hospital about a week before his death on July 5. I made the visit at the request of Dolly who wanted me to give Bill communion. However when I arrived, old friends from Quixote were present to give Bill communion. I read a passage and then I hugged Bill one last time, "Bill may great angels wrap their wings about you and keep you safe on the journey." Bill died less than a week later with his wife Dolly at his side. In hospice we said always, "A person will die with those who he/she desires at the bedside." And so it was with Bill. He only needed his partner in justice and peacemaking for 40 years to be present. A blessed transition from this life till eternity.
We have a new patron saint to guard over us and to direct us in our ministry for and with the People of God.
With Bill's death I feel that I have lost a spiritual father, someone I admired and greatly respected. I made poor choices in my life and regret that I did not follow Bill "into the fields" until late in my life.
His memorial card included his photo and this quote "We travel with a God who loves us. We travel with a community of faith. We'll often remember that we're crabgrass Christians, whose love can survive in the cracks of life's sidewalks. Our love reminds us that God's Spirit is with us all days. We are blessed with a merry God. Indeed we are the entertainment."
The presiders at Bill's memorial, he gave his body to a medical school were Fr Fred a married priest and Bishop Andrea Johnson, RCWP Eastern region. I am going to include "one of Bill's favorite canons by Teilhard de Chardin" from the Order of the liturgy:
..."I will make the whole earth my altar and on it will offer you all the labors and sufferings of the world. "Over there, on the horizon, the sun has just touched with light the outermost fringe of the eastern sky. Once, again, beneath this moving sheet of fire, the living surface of the earth wakes and trembles, and once again begins its fearful travail. I will place on my paten, O God, the harvest to be won by this renewal of labor. Into my chalice I shall pour all the sap which is to be pressed out this day from the earth's fruits.
Over every living thing which is to spring up, to grow, to flower, to ripen during this day, say again your words: This is my body.
And over every death force which waits in readiness to corrode, to wither, to cut down, speak again your commanding words which express the supreme mystery of faith: This is my blood."
Fr. Bill Callahan: Presente.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
A Dream of Healing
I wrote on Thursday of my healing work in PTSD therapy. This morning I had this dream:
I was in a large space filled with people and things. It was day. Jasn was lying on the floor, weeping. Lisa was at his side trying to comfort him. There was also someone else close by, maybe one of my sisters?
In this dream are my animus-Jason and anima-Lisa, both my children, both "part of me" that is part of my emotional self. Jason is weeping and I now realize after yesterday that it is my animus that was wounded in my childhood and marriage. Now I must focus on healing my animus, my male self. Because it is maleness that is assertive and makes a mark in the world.
I will take this dream to therapy next week and we will address the healing of my animus there.
God wants us to heal and we can using all the knowledge of faith, psychology, socialogy, Al Anon and all the knowledge humanity has gained. God may heal us directly but we must identify and "till the soil" as St. Therese said.
I was in a large space filled with people and things. It was day. Jasn was lying on the floor, weeping. Lisa was at his side trying to comfort him. There was also someone else close by, maybe one of my sisters?
In this dream are my animus-Jason and anima-Lisa, both my children, both "part of me" that is part of my emotional self. Jason is weeping and I now realize after yesterday that it is my animus that was wounded in my childhood and marriage. Now I must focus on healing my animus, my male self. Because it is maleness that is assertive and makes a mark in the world.
I will take this dream to therapy next week and we will address the healing of my animus there.
God wants us to heal and we can using all the knowledge of faith, psychology, socialogy, Al Anon and all the knowledge humanity has gained. God may heal us directly but we must identify and "till the soil" as St. Therese said.
What is Different in My Life?
For most of my life I was neurotic, anxious, depressed, fearful. Through the grace of God I am slowly being healed of the wounds of life. We all have them. I want to tell you the story of today and share "What is different in my life?"
I wanted to drive to Ann Arbor MI today so I can attend a "family reunion" of sorts because all my nieces and nephews (brother Joe's children and grandchildren) are gathering at one of their homes to celebrate the 4th and set off fireworks.
I had driven my 2004 Prius with 100K plus miles about 20 miles N on 75 out of Lexington KY when the dashboard lit up like a Christmas tree! They have a huge red triangle with an exclamation point; gets one's attention. I immediately called Toyota service "Drive it to the dealership" so I did.
I did not freak out, I did not cry. I did not feel powerless. I did not not know what to do. My heart and spirit remained calm and at peace. This was a problem to be solved. Because the fireworks are on Sat. I decided I would bare the cost of renting a car for a week as I would not be able to wait until the problem was diagnosed or leave on Sat for Ann Arbor. I asked service to have a car for me.
I arrived, Enterprise was waiting to take me to get my loaner, I got it. BTW prepay the gas I got it for $2.36 today a whole lot cheaper than the $2.69 at the pump. I was very glad I got a car.
I went back to the Prius, unloaded my food and suitcase and headed N again, now after noon. I hit the wall at Cincinnati and all through Ohio. They have spent all their stimulus money on road rebuilding. It took me 11 hours to get to Ann Arbor MI the same time it took me to fly to Roma. I recommend not driving through Ohio anytime soon. Mapquest said it would take me a little over 5 hours, little do they know!
What amazed me about the day is that I felt a deep peace inside ALL through the creeping at 5 miles an hour, mile after mile. What was going on on the outside did not have an impact on my feelings for the FIRST time in my life. I give this experience over to grace and healing and never giving up on the search for healing. Since November 2009 I have been attending Al Anon very regularly and I have started PTSD therapy to heal from the trauma of my childhood. I think that it is successful and I will continue to heal for the rest of my life. I am not afraid to go to the darkest places in my soul and ask the God who is there to heal me.
I know God is there
Psalm 139:
Where could I run from your presence?...
If I make my bed in Death, you are already there;
If I go up to the heavens, you are there...
I could fly away with wings made of dawn,
or make my home on the far side of he sea,
but even there your hand will guide me.
If I say, "The darkness will hide me,
(the darkness of being unconscious)
and night will be my only light,"
even darkness won't be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day--
darkness and light are the same to you.
Continue to seek healing in all circumstances, never give up.
For the God of Evolution wants you and us collectively to heal and become ever more human. Jesus is our Way, he walks beside us. Reach out and seek healing.
Have a great July 4th weekend filled with making happy memories.
I wanted to drive to Ann Arbor MI today so I can attend a "family reunion" of sorts because all my nieces and nephews (brother Joe's children and grandchildren) are gathering at one of their homes to celebrate the 4th and set off fireworks.
I had driven my 2004 Prius with 100K plus miles about 20 miles N on 75 out of Lexington KY when the dashboard lit up like a Christmas tree! They have a huge red triangle with an exclamation point; gets one's attention. I immediately called Toyota service "Drive it to the dealership" so I did.
I did not freak out, I did not cry. I did not feel powerless. I did not not know what to do. My heart and spirit remained calm and at peace. This was a problem to be solved. Because the fireworks are on Sat. I decided I would bare the cost of renting a car for a week as I would not be able to wait until the problem was diagnosed or leave on Sat for Ann Arbor. I asked service to have a car for me.
I arrived, Enterprise was waiting to take me to get my loaner, I got it. BTW prepay the gas I got it for $2.36 today a whole lot cheaper than the $2.69 at the pump. I was very glad I got a car.
I went back to the Prius, unloaded my food and suitcase and headed N again, now after noon. I hit the wall at Cincinnati and all through Ohio. They have spent all their stimulus money on road rebuilding. It took me 11 hours to get to Ann Arbor MI the same time it took me to fly to Roma. I recommend not driving through Ohio anytime soon. Mapquest said it would take me a little over 5 hours, little do they know!
What amazed me about the day is that I felt a deep peace inside ALL through the creeping at 5 miles an hour, mile after mile. What was going on on the outside did not have an impact on my feelings for the FIRST time in my life. I give this experience over to grace and healing and never giving up on the search for healing. Since November 2009 I have been attending Al Anon very regularly and I have started PTSD therapy to heal from the trauma of my childhood. I think that it is successful and I will continue to heal for the rest of my life. I am not afraid to go to the darkest places in my soul and ask the God who is there to heal me.
I know God is there
Psalm 139:
Where could I run from your presence?...
If I make my bed in Death, you are already there;
If I go up to the heavens, you are there...
I could fly away with wings made of dawn,
or make my home on the far side of he sea,
but even there your hand will guide me.
If I say, "The darkness will hide me,
(the darkness of being unconscious)
and night will be my only light,"
even darkness won't be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day--
darkness and light are the same to you.
Continue to seek healing in all circumstances, never give up.
For the God of Evolution wants you and us collectively to heal and become ever more human. Jesus is our Way, he walks beside us. Reach out and seek healing.
Have a great July 4th weekend filled with making happy memories.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
PTSD Therapy: Discovering the Opposites Within
It is important for all who read this blog. I share the deepest levels of my spiritual/emotional journey so we might all evolve to a higher level of consciousness. If I take the journey to the darkest parts of my psyche/shadow, then maybe I can encourage/give permission to you to do the same. Truly we can be blind emotionally all of our lives, I was until I was 62 and stood at Jason's bedside at Walter Reed. However emotional growth does not exist in time. If I heal today, I have healed all of my life especially going forward in a new consciousness. I will have the freedom to choose a different path of behavior.
If I behave in a certain emotional pattern, my partner in relationship can support the behavior or challenge me to grow/change. I grew up in an abusive alcoholic home. The only time my mother touched me was to beat me. The only words were ones of criticism. As a child I was powerless and this became an emotional pattern for me. "Love" was violent-emotionally and spiritually. Lived out in relationships it may become sadistic/masochistic as I described in the June 2 post. I couple this experience with the RCC's dictate that "we should suffer like Christ" for redemption of the world. I was primed for suffering as a way of life. I returned to the same therapist today. I wanted to address the other side of myself in my marriage relationship. If the relationship was sadistic, then "How am I masochistic in relationships?" That is seeking pain or humiliation.
The therapeutic process was the same one I related in the earlier session. I had failed to mention that Dr. S takes succinct notes which he reads back to me, repeating the words I have used then asking me to move beyond where I am if I can. I am to share new experiences of feelings, images and thoughts. He always wants to know if their is a relationship or exchange between the feelings or images. He also read my blog entry of June 2 which the includes the dream I had at WR, the dream of empowerment and freeing myself from the web of unconsciousness and destructive relationship to Dow. He often muses out loud, "What is the opposite?" "What is another word? another metaphor?" Encouraging me to explore the image as deep as I can. Instructions remained the same "Dive deep" into the feelings, the image.
Dr. S read my blog journal notes and commented on them. He particularly liked my choice in the lucid dream at Walter Reed. I had written that I had to do the same with all other conflict within me.
Today I was to answer as myself not another person.
I chose a scene where I felt my own behavior arose from a masochistic need within myself. This event(amongst many) occurred within my marriage, I believe that it was after Jason had joined the Army (after 9/11/01) Dow and I were laying on the bed together. It was morning as I remember the sunlight coming through the bedroom windows and lighting the king-sized bed. I remember we were discussing our relationship and Dow asked me, "Why are you still married?" I answered "Because I made wedding vows." I remember feeling so very defeated and trapped.
This is where the therapy session began.
I saw the bedroom image in my mind's eye.
Somehow Dr. S going through the feelings, using the pressure points around my eyes, moved my experience to also contain a power image.
The power image was Wonder Woman standing at the bedside with her hands on her hips. I smiled because I thought the actress who played WW was the most beautiful woman and I loved her power and persona.
Dr. S continued to go back to the "defeated and trapped" feelings exploring my experiences of them. I kept going back to the bedroom in the condo, seeing Dow under the sheets. Dr S asked "What is the opposite of powerlessness?" This is when Wonder Woman made her appearance. I told Dr S I thought it was the feminine powerful part of me. So now we had defeated and trapped versus powerful woman parts of my psyche, the opposites.
I do not know how/when but Wonder Woman picked me and took me out of the bed. I knew I was held in her arms but I could not see myself there. The bed was bathed in sunlight. Dow became the image of trapped and defeated. The feelings looked like a human brain-gray matter with lines. Dr. S asked "Why are these feelings Dow's?" I thought and maybe said, "I walked out on him, Dow is left with only himself, trapped and defeated."
Somehow we moved into these images as representing Creativity and Destruction the "Primal Energies of the universe." These energies within me must be brought together as one for healing. The imaging continued.
The image of trapped and defeated became dirt (no longer a brain) with a flower growing forth (new life, resurrection), not iris nor tulip, but something itself with a brilliant yellow-white flower grew out of this "dirt." This flower transformed into a white dove who flew away. Wonder Woman added wings as I talked about the image of St. Michael the Archangel. The images of creativity became myself at an easel using pastels. The image of destruction became myself axing an large oak tree. But neither of these images "lasted." The artist worked but the axing of the tree became an angel (story I read yesterday in my issue of Angels-a guidepost magazine)of an artist who carved an angel from a tree stump.
At Different points I repeated the words, "I love myself unconditionally holding simultaneously trapped/defeated and power." At some point I mentioned sending Jason to war as destruction yet even this was folded into creativity of the Mystery of life. I called it "Sacred Ground" of reality. Like the Big Bang from nothing, the universe began. I realized afresh that I have within myself the energies of destruction and creativity.
After this part of the session, Dr. S led me through a series of opposites which were to bring the opposites into relationship with each other and my own realization that all is one unity. What Thich Nan Han teaches; "The rose is in the compost, the compost is in the rose." He was disgruntled a little because I would bring "old herstory" into the now. He said, "Don't do that, where are you now in your understanding after the work today?"
All of this reminded me of a very vivid dream of my childhood: I was very young and facing a green skeleton of death with the cross bones underneath. It was very, very scary. I have often thought of it at different times of my life as I never have faced a life threatening physical situation but I sure succumbed to "death of my soul" for most of my life. The force of destruction is within each of us, this is an accepted Jungian concept. We act it out in the outer reality. Jesus talks about those who are "whited sepulchers" looking good on the outside and filled with death within.
My creativity has been blocked all my life. I loved the garden in VA loved to do pastels but have done neither for many years.
With the release of masochism from life will my creativity be renewed? I am sure I have more work to do. Dr. Skags said, "This is good stuff" and has another exercise for our session next week. It was good being me and "diving into the depths of my psyche" as I know deepest within God resides as Julian of Norwich has described "Jesus the king in the center of the city." I know I feel at peace within and I think working with Dr. Skaggs is part of this feeling of peace as I draw the various threads of my life from the shadow into the light of consciousness.
I will have to share my poem with Dr Skaggs next week. It addresses the opposites and death and life and the unity in all of life. You may have read it somewhere already but I will post it here, from My Journal during Jason’s time in Iraq:
I was in denial that Jason would participate fully in this war. The San Francisco Chronicle embedded a reporter with his platoon and on June 5,2005 reported that Jason’s men had fired on and destroyed a pick-up and the persons inside. I wrote the following:
A poem of sorrow
A mother waits
A messenger comes to her door
The sun stops in its course across the sky
And plunges her world into night.
Sorrow so deep
Her wail so strong
It broke my heart
Here in Chicago this day.
Joined together forever are we
One son gave an order
One son died
We are one in our tears.
“I am sorry our cultures say, “War is the answer.”
“I am sorry my son says, “Fire”
I hold your son in my arms
And pray for your healing
And may the world be reconciled
To know that we are one.
June 6, 2005
On October 15, 2005 while on patrol, Jason lost his eye and arm to a road side bomb. He was flown to WRAMC where he spent a year healing from his injuries. I spent 8 months living at Walter Reed holding my son and praying for his healing. While there I ministered to wounded soldiers, their family members, and Walter Reed staff.
If I behave in a certain emotional pattern, my partner in relationship can support the behavior or challenge me to grow/change. I grew up in an abusive alcoholic home. The only time my mother touched me was to beat me. The only words were ones of criticism. As a child I was powerless and this became an emotional pattern for me. "Love" was violent-emotionally and spiritually. Lived out in relationships it may become sadistic/masochistic as I described in the June 2 post. I couple this experience with the RCC's dictate that "we should suffer like Christ" for redemption of the world. I was primed for suffering as a way of life. I returned to the same therapist today. I wanted to address the other side of myself in my marriage relationship. If the relationship was sadistic, then "How am I masochistic in relationships?" That is seeking pain or humiliation.
The therapeutic process was the same one I related in the earlier session. I had failed to mention that Dr. S takes succinct notes which he reads back to me, repeating the words I have used then asking me to move beyond where I am if I can. I am to share new experiences of feelings, images and thoughts. He always wants to know if their is a relationship or exchange between the feelings or images. He also read my blog entry of June 2 which the includes the dream I had at WR, the dream of empowerment and freeing myself from the web of unconsciousness and destructive relationship to Dow. He often muses out loud, "What is the opposite?" "What is another word? another metaphor?" Encouraging me to explore the image as deep as I can. Instructions remained the same "Dive deep" into the feelings, the image.
Dr. S read my blog journal notes and commented on them. He particularly liked my choice in the lucid dream at Walter Reed. I had written that I had to do the same with all other conflict within me.
Today I was to answer as myself not another person.
I chose a scene where I felt my own behavior arose from a masochistic need within myself. This event(amongst many) occurred within my marriage, I believe that it was after Jason had joined the Army (after 9/11/01) Dow and I were laying on the bed together. It was morning as I remember the sunlight coming through the bedroom windows and lighting the king-sized bed. I remember we were discussing our relationship and Dow asked me, "Why are you still married?" I answered "Because I made wedding vows." I remember feeling so very defeated and trapped.
This is where the therapy session began.
I saw the bedroom image in my mind's eye.
Somehow Dr. S going through the feelings, using the pressure points around my eyes, moved my experience to also contain a power image.
The power image was Wonder Woman standing at the bedside with her hands on her hips. I smiled because I thought the actress who played WW was the most beautiful woman and I loved her power and persona.
Dr. S continued to go back to the "defeated and trapped" feelings exploring my experiences of them. I kept going back to the bedroom in the condo, seeing Dow under the sheets. Dr S asked "What is the opposite of powerlessness?" This is when Wonder Woman made her appearance. I told Dr S I thought it was the feminine powerful part of me. So now we had defeated and trapped versus powerful woman parts of my psyche, the opposites.
I do not know how/when but Wonder Woman picked me and took me out of the bed. I knew I was held in her arms but I could not see myself there. The bed was bathed in sunlight. Dow became the image of trapped and defeated. The feelings looked like a human brain-gray matter with lines. Dr. S asked "Why are these feelings Dow's?" I thought and maybe said, "I walked out on him, Dow is left with only himself, trapped and defeated."
Somehow we moved into these images as representing Creativity and Destruction the "Primal Energies of the universe." These energies within me must be brought together as one for healing. The imaging continued.
The image of trapped and defeated became dirt (no longer a brain) with a flower growing forth (new life, resurrection), not iris nor tulip, but something itself with a brilliant yellow-white flower grew out of this "dirt." This flower transformed into a white dove who flew away. Wonder Woman added wings as I talked about the image of St. Michael the Archangel. The images of creativity became myself at an easel using pastels. The image of destruction became myself axing an large oak tree. But neither of these images "lasted." The artist worked but the axing of the tree became an angel (story I read yesterday in my issue of Angels-a guidepost magazine)of an artist who carved an angel from a tree stump.
At Different points I repeated the words, "I love myself unconditionally holding simultaneously trapped/defeated and power." At some point I mentioned sending Jason to war as destruction yet even this was folded into creativity of the Mystery of life. I called it "Sacred Ground" of reality. Like the Big Bang from nothing, the universe began. I realized afresh that I have within myself the energies of destruction and creativity.
After this part of the session, Dr. S led me through a series of opposites which were to bring the opposites into relationship with each other and my own realization that all is one unity. What Thich Nan Han teaches; "The rose is in the compost, the compost is in the rose." He was disgruntled a little because I would bring "old herstory" into the now. He said, "Don't do that, where are you now in your understanding after the work today?"
All of this reminded me of a very vivid dream of my childhood: I was very young and facing a green skeleton of death with the cross bones underneath. It was very, very scary. I have often thought of it at different times of my life as I never have faced a life threatening physical situation but I sure succumbed to "death of my soul" for most of my life. The force of destruction is within each of us, this is an accepted Jungian concept. We act it out in the outer reality. Jesus talks about those who are "whited sepulchers" looking good on the outside and filled with death within.
My creativity has been blocked all my life. I loved the garden in VA loved to do pastels but have done neither for many years.
With the release of masochism from life will my creativity be renewed? I am sure I have more work to do. Dr. Skags said, "This is good stuff" and has another exercise for our session next week. It was good being me and "diving into the depths of my psyche" as I know deepest within God resides as Julian of Norwich has described "Jesus the king in the center of the city." I know I feel at peace within and I think working with Dr. Skaggs is part of this feeling of peace as I draw the various threads of my life from the shadow into the light of consciousness.
I will have to share my poem with Dr Skaggs next week. It addresses the opposites and death and life and the unity in all of life. You may have read it somewhere already but I will post it here, from My Journal during Jason’s time in Iraq:
I was in denial that Jason would participate fully in this war. The San Francisco Chronicle embedded a reporter with his platoon and on June 5,2005 reported that Jason’s men had fired on and destroyed a pick-up and the persons inside. I wrote the following:
A poem of sorrow
A mother waits
A messenger comes to her door
The sun stops in its course across the sky
And plunges her world into night.
Sorrow so deep
Her wail so strong
It broke my heart
Here in Chicago this day.
Joined together forever are we
One son gave an order
One son died
We are one in our tears.
“I am sorry our cultures say, “War is the answer.”
“I am sorry my son says, “Fire”
I hold your son in my arms
And pray for your healing
And may the world be reconciled
To know that we are one.
June 6, 2005
On October 15, 2005 while on patrol, Jason lost his eye and arm to a road side bomb. He was flown to WRAMC where he spent a year healing from his injuries. I spent 8 months living at Walter Reed holding my son and praying for his healing. While there I ministered to wounded soldiers, their family members, and Walter Reed staff.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
A Liturgy in Atlanta: For Healing
I have been in Rome, I will attach a report I wrote in another post. DC looking for a place (I think I might have found one). A week in Hilton Head and St. Augustine with Lisa and my grand kids. Then back to Lexington and now onto Ann Arbor for July 4th.
On the way home from FL I stopped by a supporter of women's ordination Lynn and her husband Bob. Bob walks from Atlanta to Columbus GA with a group of Buddhists to take part in the SOA Watch vigil held each November. Their home is used as Lynn's preschool for 5 days a week and is filled with exciting things for "children to grow and learn on."
We had a nice dinner together and Lynn asked if we could have a short liturgy in the morning to start the week. The liturgy was held in the library with books literally from floor to wall. A small table for the altar and another table on which was the photo of Gandhi's tomb which is ornately carved. I felt his presence in the room, a deep peace abided amongst us. Bob and Lynn are part of a worldwide group that prays for peace on the 6th of each month at 7:30. The tradition started in 1985 in Hiroshima. On the altar were bread, wine in a beautiful antique etched glass and candles of different sizes and a bell. Bob was an altar boy and loves the sound of the bell.
I proposed the readings from the day. However, Bob misreading the verse numbers read instead the gospel of the healing of the woman with a hemorrhage and the leader's daughter who had died. My sharing included a story from Walter Reed and my and Jason's healing. When Jason came into WR, Jason was blind. His right eye had shut down with lazy eye. The sight in his left "good eye" was destroyed in the blast that also took his arm and buttocks. I began to read all the stories of the bible in which Jesus heals those who are blind. I came to understand very quickly that I would be healed of my blindness (my marital relationship)and that Jason would be healed. The MD for eyes was astounded, but it is not unheard of, when a child's eye is patched at the appropriate age, the brain retains the ability to "turn it on" if necessary. By Christmas Jason was reading! For the scriptures use the healing of the physical to "mirror" the healing of the soul. Jason's eye was healed at Walter Reed and my soul was healed. Who can say "What was the greater miracle?"
I wanted to focus on healing as Christianity's focus on sinfulness of humanity does not heal but gives the basis for power over by the priests and hierarchy of the RCC. "You are a sinner and must come to us as only we can forgive your sin."
Jesus can heal us, as AlAnon teaches "God as we define God can heal us."
I began with having each of us speak as CTA does, "What do I bring to this Eucharist? What is on my heart/mind?" Then during the normal "kyrie eleison" I instead asked for healing from the wounds of our childhood, from friends, from the community at large. Our response was, "Creator God heal us; Jesus our brother heal us; Spirit heal us."
For our offering of bread and wine I talked about how each of these represents ourselves and community. The bread our lives and actions, the wine all our feelings which give us our experience of being alive.
Then the consecration. We each held our hands out over the bread and wine. I recited the words of consecration, doing the best I can as I couldn't find them in my Living with Christ. As I did this I entered deeply into the Last Supper, more deeply than ever before. I began to weep as Jesus knew this was His blood which would be shed for all. We Catholic Christians have been following his words for 2000 years "Do this in memory of me."
I saw in my mind's eye, as I said the words, Jesus standing at my right side. White robe and dark hair and beard. His hands were outstretched and pointing down. At the same time I knew him to be the Cosmic Christ throughout time. Jesus is as large as the universe. Jesus was present in our simple liturgy of three persons with open hearts to experience His presence in Scripture and in the Eucharist. And He is.
I am so thankful for the opportunity to celebrate Eucharist with others. I encourage you to do the same. God's love is available to each and everyone of us without the intermediary of the RCC. The People of God can gather, bless the bread and wine and receive the body and blood of Christ. All of life is Sacred and we are part of Sacredness it is in our DNA.
On the way home from FL I stopped by a supporter of women's ordination Lynn and her husband Bob. Bob walks from Atlanta to Columbus GA with a group of Buddhists to take part in the SOA Watch vigil held each November. Their home is used as Lynn's preschool for 5 days a week and is filled with exciting things for "children to grow and learn on."
We had a nice dinner together and Lynn asked if we could have a short liturgy in the morning to start the week. The liturgy was held in the library with books literally from floor to wall. A small table for the altar and another table on which was the photo of Gandhi's tomb which is ornately carved. I felt his presence in the room, a deep peace abided amongst us. Bob and Lynn are part of a worldwide group that prays for peace on the 6th of each month at 7:30. The tradition started in 1985 in Hiroshima. On the altar were bread, wine in a beautiful antique etched glass and candles of different sizes and a bell. Bob was an altar boy and loves the sound of the bell.
I proposed the readings from the day. However, Bob misreading the verse numbers read instead the gospel of the healing of the woman with a hemorrhage and the leader's daughter who had died. My sharing included a story from Walter Reed and my and Jason's healing. When Jason came into WR, Jason was blind. His right eye had shut down with lazy eye. The sight in his left "good eye" was destroyed in the blast that also took his arm and buttocks. I began to read all the stories of the bible in which Jesus heals those who are blind. I came to understand very quickly that I would be healed of my blindness (my marital relationship)and that Jason would be healed. The MD for eyes was astounded, but it is not unheard of, when a child's eye is patched at the appropriate age, the brain retains the ability to "turn it on" if necessary. By Christmas Jason was reading! For the scriptures use the healing of the physical to "mirror" the healing of the soul. Jason's eye was healed at Walter Reed and my soul was healed. Who can say "What was the greater miracle?"
I wanted to focus on healing as Christianity's focus on sinfulness of humanity does not heal but gives the basis for power over by the priests and hierarchy of the RCC. "You are a sinner and must come to us as only we can forgive your sin."
Jesus can heal us, as AlAnon teaches "God as we define God can heal us."
I began with having each of us speak as CTA does, "What do I bring to this Eucharist? What is on my heart/mind?" Then during the normal "kyrie eleison" I instead asked for healing from the wounds of our childhood, from friends, from the community at large. Our response was, "Creator God heal us; Jesus our brother heal us; Spirit heal us."
For our offering of bread and wine I talked about how each of these represents ourselves and community. The bread our lives and actions, the wine all our feelings which give us our experience of being alive.
Then the consecration. We each held our hands out over the bread and wine. I recited the words of consecration, doing the best I can as I couldn't find them in my Living with Christ. As I did this I entered deeply into the Last Supper, more deeply than ever before. I began to weep as Jesus knew this was His blood which would be shed for all. We Catholic Christians have been following his words for 2000 years "Do this in memory of me."
I saw in my mind's eye, as I said the words, Jesus standing at my right side. White robe and dark hair and beard. His hands were outstretched and pointing down. At the same time I knew him to be the Cosmic Christ throughout time. Jesus is as large as the universe. Jesus was present in our simple liturgy of three persons with open hearts to experience His presence in Scripture and in the Eucharist. And He is.
I am so thankful for the opportunity to celebrate Eucharist with others. I encourage you to do the same. God's love is available to each and everyone of us without the intermediary of the RCC. The People of God can gather, bless the bread and wine and receive the body and blood of Christ. All of life is Sacred and we are part of Sacredness it is in our DNA.
Friday, June 4, 2010
I Fly to Rome June 5 To Celebrate the end of the "Year of the Priest"
I am flying to Rome to join a small band of women working for women's ordination in the RCC. The women come from the US and European nations. Please check www.bridgetmarys.blogspot.com for updates regarding RCWP. If we can we will send back updates to her.
I want to create a poster to hold while we are in St. Peter's Square. I found this one this morning as I opened Living with Christ to today's readings:
"One must accept the call, one must listen, one must receive, one must measure one's strength, and answer, "Yes, yes." Author Ven. Pope John Paul II.
I wonder if JPII wrote it when he was elected Pope, I think I might have read it then.
I get into Rome at 10 AM Sunday, leaving from NC at 8PM tomorrow.
I will write in my journal about the three days we will vigil-Tuesday, Wed. and Thursday and post when I get back. Then I fly back home on Friday the 11.
Blessings Everyone
I want to create a poster to hold while we are in St. Peter's Square. I found this one this morning as I opened Living with Christ to today's readings:
"One must accept the call, one must listen, one must receive, one must measure one's strength, and answer, "Yes, yes." Author Ven. Pope John Paul II.
I wonder if JPII wrote it when he was elected Pope, I think I might have read it then.
I get into Rome at 10 AM Sunday, leaving from NC at 8PM tomorrow.
I will write in my journal about the three days we will vigil-Tuesday, Wed. and Thursday and post when I get back. Then I fly back home on Friday the 11.
Blessings Everyone
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Only for Those who Need Courage To Heal and Change
I write of my own experiences as I seek continued healing so that I might encourage you to do the same. God never gives up on us because God is the force of evolution both in the universe and within the human heart and soul. I want to be the very best priest I can be for the People of God. I have not addressed these issues/events of my life in a therapeutic setting prior to now. I have spent a lifetime of prayer asking God's healing and forgiveness for what I have done as St. Paul wrote "because of this thorn in my side."
Our journeys are unique yet each of us is wounded by life in some way. How to seek healing, how to find the courage to look deep into our own wounds? What is unconscious controls our behavior toward ourselves and others. We can look at our shadow side and we can be healed of wounds and be in control of how we live in relationship with others. By doing the inner work we cultivate our soul's earth for the seed of compassion to grow. Through growing in compassion we become mature daughters and sons of God our Mother and Father. God provides healing for us through our interactions with other human beings; for deep wounds it is best to enter this work with an experienced professional.
Today I wanted to experience healing around the trauma of being in relationship with my ex-husband for over 30 years. It was not a healthy relationship for myself, for him or our daughter and son. I know that healing of myself includes compassion for my ex husband. Today Dr. S used a different technique for "diving deep" into the feelings connected with our relationship.
In our relationship, there is no one instance that stands out, it is a repetitive pattern of emotional abuse even if the other would deny ever doing it. How Dr. S began really set me back. "What you are describing is a form of sadism" I was shocked. I think of the term connected with whips and chains, physical stuff.
Dr S explained, I will try to do the best I can in repeating what he said, "The one who commits such emotional violence is trying to love you, believes he is loving you. First your self esteem must be destroyed so he is in control. This way he can love you and not be vulnerable in his own feelings; he is safe in loving you." This relationship was created and continued unconsciously on his part and my part.
My ex-spouse teased, put down, discounted, ignored completely any expression of feelings and needs expressed by me. By the 5th year of my marriage I was literally neurotic, depressed, anxious and most of all fearful. I was paralyzed emotionally. As they say in AlAnon "it was insanity." I no longer existed, I was an extension of my ex's personality. I was to meet his needs and did so denying my very soul and every value I had lived until I married him. I was truly trapped in the emotional and spiritual Hell of my own and my ex's making.
I want to disconnect myself emotionally and to heal the wounds of this relationship so I might be compassion for myself and others. The process is like Velcro Dr. S explained. Right now there is an emotional hook which fits into a loop. The healing takes place when the loop is opened and there is no longer a loop for the hook. These are the emotions within the dynamic of the relationship.
Throughout today's exercise I am "to be my ex" not myself; that is feel, talk as if I am him. The process took an hour and I cannot relate it all, I will give examples from it.
The process looks like this.
Two fingers to the center of chest.
two fingers on side of nose touching brow,
fingers to side of eye,
fingers to bone under eye.
Looking for a memory to start.
then a feeling
feeling with new image if it comes
experience new image
a feeling
Or a repeat if the feeling/image does not change.
Many exhortations by Dr S to "dive deeper" into the feeling; to feel it in the now as completely as I could as my ex.
Two fingers on my chest to repeat as my ex spouse "I am feeling____, I love myself unconditionally in body, mind and spirit."
We started out with my being my ex on the first floor of our home in Va. He had taken over the first floor as his office. It had a fireplace, handmade furniture by my brother especially for him. A really, really nice office. Feelings of satisfaction, contentment, pride and happiness were in this room for my ex. Dr. S led me through the hand movements more than once to the point that the room and feelings began to fade into a fog.
Then Dr. S asked me to move to another room in the home. I went upstairs as it was dinner time. What came next is hard to remember accurately. My ex was enjoying the meal Katy had prepared. I kept giving thoughts and descriptions, Dr S kept saying "feeling, feeling" I imagined my ex eating a mouthful of chicken. I imagined the taste, smell, texture.
My ex enjoyed the meal so much because he had been very poor as a child and had gone hungry (I know my ex's dad went hunting and they butchered on the kitchen table). I was to enter into his feelings of poverty, hunger, being deprived.
The image given me was a starving child of Africa poster. My ex was taken a back. The child came out of the poster toward him. He was panicky, turning away. At this point I began to cry, I said, "I can't continue" for Katy would never turn away from a starving child. Dr. S began to tap the outside of the each knee. (I am assuming a meridian pressure point.) He led me back into the image and overwhelming feelings of conflict.
The image became my ex stuck to the tar baby as in Brer Rabbit tales. The rest of time was spent with both halves of the image. The feelings of panic (my ex) the feelings of frustration (me) because I can't get free. I kept trying to "solve the problem" but Dr. S kept insisting on feelings. The session had to end, I was left holding both parts "the tar baby-me, my ex stuck to the tar baby" neither of us able to be freed from the connection.
Dr. S said, "You did well, you continued even when you said, "I can't" I can sit with the images on my own till we meet again. I told him the feelings at the end of the session were the same as when I had the dream at Walter Reed (Jan. 2006) the dream is:
A man/creature is in a loft about 3/4ths of the image. The man/creature is in a spider web shaped like a tunnel. I know he is there and ready to pounce. The loft is hung with black and weapons, the lower floor is also the same. I am standing on the floor below and looking up into the scene. I know I have fought and won (this morning’s session with Dr. M where I spoke my feelings honestly) I was to fight again. A child is with me. I decide ‘No, I do not need to fight.” I turn and walk away. I turn to my right and step out into the sunshine and blue sky.
I had never had a lucid dream before or since. That is a dream where I made a decision that would change my life in the waking world of day. I must do the same with this tar baby situation I think. I am not sure so the healing process will continue when I return from my journeys over the next month. I hope to dream and maybe experience some further insight into my life, healing toward compassion, and its meaning.
Our journeys are unique yet each of us is wounded by life in some way. How to seek healing, how to find the courage to look deep into our own wounds? What is unconscious controls our behavior toward ourselves and others. We can look at our shadow side and we can be healed of wounds and be in control of how we live in relationship with others. By doing the inner work we cultivate our soul's earth for the seed of compassion to grow. Through growing in compassion we become mature daughters and sons of God our Mother and Father. God provides healing for us through our interactions with other human beings; for deep wounds it is best to enter this work with an experienced professional.
Today I wanted to experience healing around the trauma of being in relationship with my ex-husband for over 30 years. It was not a healthy relationship for myself, for him or our daughter and son. I know that healing of myself includes compassion for my ex husband. Today Dr. S used a different technique for "diving deep" into the feelings connected with our relationship.
In our relationship, there is no one instance that stands out, it is a repetitive pattern of emotional abuse even if the other would deny ever doing it. How Dr. S began really set me back. "What you are describing is a form of sadism" I was shocked. I think of the term connected with whips and chains, physical stuff.
Dr S explained, I will try to do the best I can in repeating what he said, "The one who commits such emotional violence is trying to love you, believes he is loving you. First your self esteem must be destroyed so he is in control. This way he can love you and not be vulnerable in his own feelings; he is safe in loving you." This relationship was created and continued unconsciously on his part and my part.
My ex-spouse teased, put down, discounted, ignored completely any expression of feelings and needs expressed by me. By the 5th year of my marriage I was literally neurotic, depressed, anxious and most of all fearful. I was paralyzed emotionally. As they say in AlAnon "it was insanity." I no longer existed, I was an extension of my ex's personality. I was to meet his needs and did so denying my very soul and every value I had lived until I married him. I was truly trapped in the emotional and spiritual Hell of my own and my ex's making.
I want to disconnect myself emotionally and to heal the wounds of this relationship so I might be compassion for myself and others. The process is like Velcro Dr. S explained. Right now there is an emotional hook which fits into a loop. The healing takes place when the loop is opened and there is no longer a loop for the hook. These are the emotions within the dynamic of the relationship.
Throughout today's exercise I am "to be my ex" not myself; that is feel, talk as if I am him. The process took an hour and I cannot relate it all, I will give examples from it.
The process looks like this.
Two fingers to the center of chest.
two fingers on side of nose touching brow,
fingers to side of eye,
fingers to bone under eye.
Looking for a memory to start.
then a feeling
feeling with new image if it comes
experience new image
a feeling
Or a repeat if the feeling/image does not change.
Many exhortations by Dr S to "dive deeper" into the feeling; to feel it in the now as completely as I could as my ex.
Two fingers on my chest to repeat as my ex spouse "I am feeling____, I love myself unconditionally in body, mind and spirit."
We started out with my being my ex on the first floor of our home in Va. He had taken over the first floor as his office. It had a fireplace, handmade furniture by my brother especially for him. A really, really nice office. Feelings of satisfaction, contentment, pride and happiness were in this room for my ex. Dr. S led me through the hand movements more than once to the point that the room and feelings began to fade into a fog.
Then Dr. S asked me to move to another room in the home. I went upstairs as it was dinner time. What came next is hard to remember accurately. My ex was enjoying the meal Katy had prepared. I kept giving thoughts and descriptions, Dr S kept saying "feeling, feeling" I imagined my ex eating a mouthful of chicken. I imagined the taste, smell, texture.
My ex enjoyed the meal so much because he had been very poor as a child and had gone hungry (I know my ex's dad went hunting and they butchered on the kitchen table). I was to enter into his feelings of poverty, hunger, being deprived.
The image given me was a starving child of Africa poster. My ex was taken a back. The child came out of the poster toward him. He was panicky, turning away. At this point I began to cry, I said, "I can't continue" for Katy would never turn away from a starving child. Dr. S began to tap the outside of the each knee. (I am assuming a meridian pressure point.) He led me back into the image and overwhelming feelings of conflict.
The image became my ex stuck to the tar baby as in Brer Rabbit tales. The rest of time was spent with both halves of the image. The feelings of panic (my ex) the feelings of frustration (me) because I can't get free. I kept trying to "solve the problem" but Dr. S kept insisting on feelings. The session had to end, I was left holding both parts "the tar baby-me, my ex stuck to the tar baby" neither of us able to be freed from the connection.
Dr. S said, "You did well, you continued even when you said, "I can't" I can sit with the images on my own till we meet again. I told him the feelings at the end of the session were the same as when I had the dream at Walter Reed (Jan. 2006) the dream is:
A man/creature is in a loft about 3/4ths of the image. The man/creature is in a spider web shaped like a tunnel. I know he is there and ready to pounce. The loft is hung with black and weapons, the lower floor is also the same. I am standing on the floor below and looking up into the scene. I know I have fought and won (this morning’s session with Dr. M where I spoke my feelings honestly) I was to fight again. A child is with me. I decide ‘No, I do not need to fight.” I turn and walk away. I turn to my right and step out into the sunshine and blue sky.
I had never had a lucid dream before or since. That is a dream where I made a decision that would change my life in the waking world of day. I must do the same with this tar baby situation I think. I am not sure so the healing process will continue when I return from my journeys over the next month. I hope to dream and maybe experience some further insight into my life, healing toward compassion, and its meaning.
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