Why Do I Leave Messes?

As I begin my journey as a RCWP, I am looking at my life and trying to discern even at this age "Why do I do the things I do?" Knowing why I do such things prepares me for persons who may come to me for pastoral counseling.

When I was small I shared a room with my brothers which included one closet for three kids. I remember having a dresser drawer, not a dresser, to myself and a box with some things under my bed.

I was neat after I married and when I lived as a single parent with Lisa often sharing an apartment with other mothers. Sorta like living at home: no room for any stuff. My first "alone" apartment was with Lisa when she was 6 and I was a graduate student at MSU, East Lansing MI.

After I married Dow and we moved to Blacksburg VA I became "messy" in my office. We had a person come in, I think one half day a week, to do some general house cleaning. When Dow and I lived in Chicago it was the same thing. My office was messy and the dining room table where I kept mail etc was also messy. The common areas I shared with Dow were neat as Dow did not like messes.

I thought this propensity to have a messy office work space was due to my emotional life being "messy" too. I was depressed, anxious, fearful and neurotic. Of course while I lived my marriage I couldn't identify those feelings.

After I left Dow in the spring of 2007, I moved to a two bedroom apartment in Edgewater, Chicago. I admit that the whole apartment became messy which I blamed on my 3 day a week work and going through a horrendous divorce process. My divorce was finalized in Sept of 2008 and I moved to Lexington Ky on May 1 2009. So...I have been here a year and boxes are still not unpacked! Nothing hung on the walls. I keep up with the small galley kitchen cause I have to eat and cook regularly. The rest of the apartment has gone rogue.

I can say I was gone for two months almost immediately after I moved in to care for my sister Connie in Michigan. I was then in and out during the fall and winter as I headed to Fl. for two ordination ceremonies, probably for another 2 months. Then counting time for trips to MI and DC etc. I was probably gone for another month. Bringing my total time in KY to about one-half year. Oh and I changed apartments because of heat loss in the original which meant packing it all up and moving across the parking lot.

But I wonder if this "messiness" is a behavior connected to being in "transition?" After leaving Dow, I have felt "on the move." Now this can mean both spiritually and physically. It is something I am praying about and feel it is connected to our family her/history. I have a brother and sister who are much like me. The three youngest in the family I can call "neat freaks." Their homes look like furniture stores, everything in its place. Two of them have children so it is not connected to being single or having children.

What does the emotional life in an alcoholic home instill? Messiness or perfection or does a child make a choice in emotional reaction for one or the other? I am beginning to work the 12 Steps of AlAnon. I will see if the roots of my choice are revealed to me. I know I want to change the behavior, the question is "how" do I instill a new behavior when I live alone and I alone are impacted by the results of a messy house?

AlAnon has a slogan "You can only take care of what is on your side of the street." I feel that messiness IS on my side of the street. I make plans to clean and "don't get to it." Today I exercised, made medical appointments, worked out for two hours, worked on FB and emails. Didn't do any cleaning and the front room floor has lost space to walk. I didn't get called to jury duty for tomorrow so I will try to begin to clean. Going to sleep early so I can get up early and "seize the day" as I have Dream Circle tomorrow and dinner with those once homeless now in apartments.

It may seem a small problem yet I know that my internal space is reflected in my outer space.

Prayer request:
Found out a Corpus (married) priest friend was in very serious auto accident over the weekend is intubated and in SICU. Please say a prayer for Lee's complete and speedy recovery and for strength and courage for his wife of many years.