A Dear Friend Died this Mother's Day.

Death comes unexpectedly.

Be prepared now. If you have unfinished business with someone; reconcile, make amends, make a phone call today. Reach out as death comes when it does, like a thief in the night.

I moved to Blacksburg Va in 1979. I was teaching and Jason was 2 years old. I found a woman who had just moved to BBurg to be nearer her daughter Cheryl. She would visit our home once a week to "clean." I would make her lunch and we would chat mostly about family goings on. Sarah had three adult children and grandchildren.

Sarah was active in her ladies circle at the local Episcopalian Church. She volunteered regularly for the library and the Red Cross. Living on Social Security and Medicare because of her bi-polar illness; I helped her when I could. I always included money in the cards I sent. We would go on travels around town and I would take her to lunch or an activity when she would let me.

Sarah had a good sense of humor and she and I would get to laughing about life and the machinations of her family. Sarah was not without suffering. Her youngest son was involved with pot and as a roofer fell off a building while high. He was brain damaged and lives in a group home ever since. Sarah was not able to visit often but she did what she could. Sarah was happy he lived and that he was now in "a safe environment."

Sarah loved to travel and came by train to see me after we moved to Chicago in 1996. I had a good time "showing her Chicago." She suffered from Parkinson's and her daughter said she may have died of a stroke while Sarah was alone in her apartment. Cheryl and all the children arrived on her doorstep this Mother's Day to take her out and found they could not get in.

I assume the landlord got the family into the apartment. She had been dead for up to a week. Cheryl said it has been very hard as no one had called her mom that week to check in. The service was last Friday and Cheryl promised to send me the program.

So "Do NOT wait." The work of reconciliation and compassion cries out, "NOW" for tomorrow may be too late. May God provide comfort for Sarah's family and grandchildren. I know Sarah is counted as one of the saints.

Reaching Out to Family: Providing Appropriate Support

I had been to Chicago for a funeral of a Roman Catholic Woman Priest Janine Denomee over the weekend. When I listened to my messages after I arrived home last night I heard a message of panic fearful of violence from my sister. She has been in a marriage which faces many challenges including her own behaviors. They have a 14 year old daughter. I was very upset about the situation and also knew I was very, very tired after the drive back to KY. I offered a prayer for the situation and went to bed.

This morning I called Dr. K one of the PTSD family therapists I have visited recently. I asked for advice as we four sisters are all ACOA. I knew our own experiences and family herstory would be influencing our decisions even if unconscious. I wanted a "reality check" and Dr. K would provide one for me/us. She recommended:

1. I was to report the situation to the local Human Services Department. I wasn't expecting Dr. K's first remarks after I told her the situation, "Katy, you are a priest, if this was not your sister what does RCWP ethics tell you you must do?" I responded, "Doesn't being her sister trump being a priest?" She replied, "NO, when the physical safety of your sister and her daughter are involved." No matter the relationship Dr. K stated, "We are professionals, we are required to report cases of abuse." Okay, I got my marching orders, darn psychologists she had me. Because there is a minor involved it gives higher priority to the situation. And so I was transferred to CPS, Child Protective Services.

I called the County Human Resources. The intake worker took the information and said it would be processed within 24 hours IF it was assigned to a worker. Because of the history of abuse in the family and the use of alcohol; she thought it would be assigned a case worker who would follow up with my sister. They wanted to know the school my niece attended but I could not provide that information. I felt badly about not knowing the school.

2. One of the questions my sisters and my daughter wanted answered was "Do we directly financially support her?" Are there alternatives to cash?

Dr. K replied, "I know I have family members who repeatedly asked for money. I recommend that you do not provide cash directly." Dr. K said, "I would recommend that you purchase food, gas, phone cards, what is necessary for her to live." I thought this was a good solution on how to provide financial support. I know earlier this year, my sisters and brother covered the heat bill for the family.

3. I wanted to know if there was a shelter for my sister and niece. The CPS intake worker gave me the number of _____ which provides shelter and support services for children and parents. I in turn sent an email to my sisters and daughter given them the info in case our sister/aunt would call them in a panic as she did on Monday.

It is very hard to be sure that boundaries between family members are not blurred. My sister and family need help. Today I felt as if I found the appropriate help for them at this time. I did what I could as the answer can only be created by her and decisions and actions to change her family situation.

Do not stand and do nothing if it is a situation of abuse. You can do something. I remember as a child I was powerless. As adults we can respond differently. Blessings on your ministry of compassion for others.

Visit with My Spiritual Director

I hadn't seen my spiritual director since before I was ordained.
I took this quote from a novel with me as it is how I now feel about my life.

"That's all I can do,
that's how much I have to give,
and its got to be enough.

But what if it isn't enough?

When you give all you have,
you've given it ALL.
When you do all you can,
you've done your best.
Nobody can expect any more."

I feel this way especially about being ordained RCWP.
Ordination is the very strongest statement
I can make for the equality of women in the Roman Catholic Church.

I have done all that I can. Let herstory be my judge.

We talked about discerning next step for my ministry.
She recommended I broaden my search for a place, particularly looking nationwide for a Catholic Worker that might need someone. I want to work for peace and justice for as long as God gives me.

Going to Rome "Year of the Priest"

Went to see my spiritual director today.

We discussed the possibility of my going to Rome to attend the closing of the "Year of the Priest" She concluded, "You should go. It is once in a lifetime. You can witness for women's ministry in the RCC."

I came home and finalized my plan to go to Rome to be part of the demonstration with Women's Ordination Conference (WOC) and Women's Ordination Worldwide (WOW)and possibly other RCWP's from Europe who might want to join us. We will be a small group of us, maybe 5 or 6.

I hope that we will be interviewed by the Press, a good chance as they should all be their for the coverage as the sex scandal reaches to the Pope now. We have lawsuits being filed in the USA tying the Pope to the Bishops with "orders from Rome." The paper trail is clear from every bishop who moved pedophile priests to the Pope who set the protocols for how to handle the cases.

It is time for change and this one will be a tsunami.
I want to be part of herstory.

Continuing the Healing Process

I wrote about not being able to follow the healing exercise as proposed by the PTSD psychologist yesterday. Today during the morning's Liturgy of the Hours, I entered the scene once again. I thought I might be able to "shrink the scene and detach" from the feelings of powerless and terror as a child.

I once again imagined being in our bedroom as a child.
Joe was on the floor in and out of the closet.
Mother was standing over Joe with a broom.
Myself as child was standing looking on in terror.

I as behind myself as an adult watching.

A healer named Francis McNutt has taught healing prayer and I decided to use his guided imagery. I asked Jesus to be present in this scene with us. Jesus appeared standing next to me near the bedroom door. Jesus looked like the depictions of him as the Good Shepherd; strong and virile, beard and white robe.

I asked Jesus for healing
The child Katy is looking at Jesus.
He picks me up and hugs me close.
I snuggle next to his chest, my "Daddy" and know that I am safe.

(Out of the meditation, I begin to cry and continue to cry for the remainder of the meditation.)

In the meditation, I pray that Jesus heal my mother and brother and their relationship. Jesus hugs both of them individually.
They hug each other and I know---their relationship IS healed in Jesus.
I hug my mother and my brother. I do love them both.
My deepest feeling comes to the for that I wanted to protect my brother from my mother's beating and I could not.
Now Joe and mother are with Jesus, safe in God's love.

Jason is now in the image.
I know that Jason's and my relationship is like Joe and my mother's relationship on earth.
I weep in sorrow. I pray to Jesus to heal our relationship.
"I love you " I say to Jason.
Jesus hugs me and Jesus hugs Jason.

I hug each of those present.
Joe "It is so good to see you" He looks like he did as a teen.
Mother "Thank you for my love of nature which I learned from you."
Jason "I love you fiercely and tenderly"
Jesus, I am now the adult Katy, "I ask for your blessing." He gently places a stole around my shoulders, hugs me "I am with you always."

I cannot reduce/lighten this scene.
Joe and mother are at peace.
Jason and I are talking and laughing.
Jesus holds the child Katy in his arms.
I am home, I am safe, I am happy.
It IS a healing dream come true.
_________________________________
After this imagery session,
I picked up my Breviary and turned to the scripture readings of the day.

From Psalm 131
"I have calmed and quieted my soul,
like a child at its mother's breast;
like a child in its father's arms,
even so my soul."

This scripture affirmed my use of "Daddy" for Jesus.
It is synchronicity of lived experience and the Word.

Do not ever hesitate to continue to seek healing.
Prayers for your healing of mind, body and spirit.
Jesus our beloved father is with us giving us hugs that heal the wounds of our souls.

The Journey of Healing: I Went to the Psychologist Today: PTSD

I had visited this counselor before regarding alcoholism in my family and my response to it. As I have written I want to "finish my unfinished business" so that I might continue to heal and live forward with my ministry as priest. To be a wounded healer for others.

She asked me to choose a memory with trauma connected to it. We had time to do healing work around two memories with different outcomes for each.

She asked me to tell an incident of trauma.
I told this story.
When I was preschool and sleeping in the same bedroom as my brothers, my mother would come in, check the bed to see if I were wet. She would make me get out of bed then would beat me-spank me severely with her hand-for "wetting the bed." She would not permit me to drink after 4 PM so I would be dry at night. To this day I have trouble hydrating myself enough. I remembered being wakened by her and being terrorized by the punishment. I do not know how often she did this nor how long this went on.

The counselor asked me to close my eyes and relax.
She asked questions about the experience as she led me through reframing it.
She asked, "How large is the scene?"
Where are you?
Is it in color or black and white?
What is the level of detail?
What are you feeling?
Then:
Can you change the color from color to black and white? My memory stayed colored.
The scene was as large as the bedroom as I found myself standing by the bed behind my mother to her right and looking at myself on the bed at age 5ish. The details were clear to me. I could see my gown, the bedding, the wooden bed frame. I could see the window behind my bed and the garden beyond.

Can you blur the image? I could not it stayed fresh.

Can you wash it? I imagined myself using a paint brush with tan colored paint and could wash it out. It was still there but now blurred/whited over.

Can you shrink it? I did shrink it to a postage size stamp as she requested.

Can you place it far away? like across the street? I was sitting in the office facing the window and 6 lanes of Nicholsville Rd. I "saw" myself holding the stamp by fingers of both hands and running across the lanes of busy traffic to place it on the other side of the sidewalk. I felt lightened as I laughed about carrying the postage stamp across the busy road.

Dr. K was satisfied with the results of this memory disassociation from feelings and as we had time, she asked if I had another. I told her I did.

The story is: I am in the same bedroom maybe the same age or a little older. I could not pinpoint how old I was. I do not believe my brother Joe was a teen, maybe 8 or 9? The room had a very small closet where the three of us hung our clothes, my two brothers and I shared this room. They had a bunk bed next to the closet. My single bed was on the other side of the room. We had enough room to walk between the beds but not much more. I believe we had one dresser and each of us had a drawer.

Joe was lying on the floor half into the closet. I don't know where Chuck was. I was standing behind mother who was beating Joe with a broom.

Dr. K asked if this was a movie? or a photo or stills. It was like stills.

Joe being beaten with a broom handle.
Mother standing or sitting on Joe.
Joe going unconscious.
I was terrified and paralyzed as I was powerless.

Again Dr. K asked me
How large is the scene? I replied that I was in the room as a child and an observer. The color and details were vivid.

Can you blur it? I could not. I began to cry.
Can you reduce it to a postage stamp? I could not.
Can you take the scene across the street? I could not.

The scene shifted to seeing more of my mother dressed as always in a white butcher apron. Her hair was dark and her blouse was dark.

We discussed my feelings of terror and being paralyzed in this situation. I felt responsible for Joe for even though he got me in trouble. In this instance in particular where I believed Mother knocked him out, I felt responsible as if there should have been something I could do. Joe had adventures and invited me along all over Southfield where we grew up. He and I were friends as much as an older sibling would let me tag along.

Dr K. talked about a child being powerless and I could not assume responsibility in this situation. I know looking back on this incident among the many of my childhood that assuming responsibility while being powerless became my emotional position in life. To be exposed to violence, whether physical or emotional, and to be powerless. This is what happened in both of my marriages. It is my belief that Dow was in competition with Jason "for mom's attention" as this is how I related to Dow and wounded both Jason and myself. Ultimately Dow's behavior sent Jason to war and my filing for divorce. It was dysfunctional family life writ large and led to tragedy. I did not become an alcoholic but I lived all the classic behaviors of a ACOA.

Dr K encouraged me to continue to work the image and separate "then from now" To take care of Katy the child in the now. I can protect and nurture young Katy part of myself in the now.

I encourage each of you to keep seeking healing, no matter your age, no matter the wound. Through healing we can bring the compassion of Christ to others. "For God is love and all who love abide in God, and God in her."

Dr. K also said that reading of my pre-ordination psychological evaluations revealed "No pathology" I am healthy emotionally. It is a validation that I need to hear. It is good to be at home within myself. I only ask that God use me to bring peace and healing to those whom I meet.

The Need for Healthcare for All: A day at the Fair for Peace and Justice.

On Saturday the 15th I womanend a table for the local group of "Medicare for All" We were active throughout the campaign for Health Care Reform and were deeply saddened by the failure of our country to pass this much needed legislation. We decided that like other states-CA, IN, PA-we would pursue the possibility of Medicare for All at the State level.

I was able to attend our monthly meeting this past Monday and offered to be at the fair from its hours of noon to 5PM. I took my bowl of free candy-thought that might bring folks to the table, handouts, and a sign up sheet to be notified of events, meetings, etc. I was actually fairly busy throughout the afternoon, sitting in the shade on a very warm day with my table before me.

I was shocked by the number of folks who came to the table and told me their stories of horror at the failings of our "health care system"

1. One gentleman could not even tell me his story as he has "a pre-existing condition" and is so depressed and angry over not being able to get health care.

2. A mother, in business for herself, had to pay $1200 for a colonoscopy. She is paying a large premium and her insurance carrier paid a small amount of the cost. She said her son had to move out of state for insurance as she could not afford to put him on her account.

3. A young man in his 20's had to declare bankruptcy after his surgery for Crone's disease. He works in a restaurant part-time; is going to school and could not afford health care insurance. I assume his employer does not offer to staff.

These are only some of the stories I heard.

When I got home after this exhausting day of hearing the suffering of others, I felt a priest offering a listening heart and my prayers for their care and good health.
While I slept I had the following nightmare:

I was in a garage, it was day and the garage was huge.
A crisis was happening and police and firemen arrived.
I was afraid as they were "bad guys" and began to chase me.
I ran throughout the building.
I thought I could get away but each time they caught up with me again.

I woke up full of terror.
Those who should help-the health care system are now the bad guys.
As the system is we cannot "get a way" to receive health care.
The garage "where things are repaired" is my metaphor for the present health care system.

I pray that each of us has health care and we realize that Jesus spent his ministry healing mind, body and souls. May we be compassionate healers. May we work for health care for all and to take the 30% profit out of each health care dollar and use it for health care services. Health care is not a for-profit industry, it is a human right.