On Friday I had a session with a counselor who is a PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) therapist in Lexington. I wanted to look at the emotional and spiritual trauma of my life and to seek healing. For all my years in therapy I never sought healing directly for the abuse and trauma of my personal life. I have prayed for healing all of my life knowing only God can heal this deep soul suffering.
Growing up in an alcoholic abusive home, a marriage that ended in abandonment of myself and daughter, an emotional and spiritual abusive second marriage that I left after 30 years, I need healing at the deepest level.
Dr. S told me that Jason was doing well because he was able to complete a MBA, is holding a work position and has married. He said "Jason has many strengths beyond his excellent mind to come this far." As Jason and I are estranged, I thanked him for the feedback based on his counseling of many persons suffering with PTSD. I continue to pray for Jason's healing. Dr. S said "Do not pray generally, but specifically holding an image of Jason whole in spirit and mind." I promised I will try to do this.
As I told him my story of Jason's wounding and my suffering, Dr. S began to cry. I thanked him for his tears as Dow was never able to connect with my suffering (as he cannot connect with his own feelings). I had felt isolated in my feelings arising from this trauma and Dr. S affirmed and validated my personal experience of loss and suffering. It was a sacred gift for me and the first intimacy of feelings I have ever experienced with a man. Sharing tears is the sign of our humanness and compassion.
Through healing therapy, I hope to become a priest with healing and compassion expressed in all I do in my ministry.
This therapist uses EMDR by
1. He stopped me when I related a situation and began to cry-feelings expressed connected to a traumatic event (My arrival at Jason's bedside at WRAMC).
2. I was to imagine that moment and extend my pointer finger to the center of it.
3. He slowly turned me counter clockwise three and one-half times.
At the end of this exercise, I am standing at the foot of Jason's bed, he is connected to all kinds of tubes and wound draining machine. Jason is drugged heavily. I look on him with love and compassion. I am filled with peace. With me I find Mary the Mother of Jesus looking on my son who is her son hanging on the cross. I am two women at once. Jason is both Jason and Jesus. We are one yet each is distinct in my experiencing the image.
I tell the counselor, "This was my choice (before I arrived at WR) and when I stood by Jason's bed. No questioning but only desiring to support healing and peace for my son if that was God's will." I did not know if Jason would live for at least the first two months at Walter Reed.
The therapist then
1. Had me turn 3.5 times clock wise as I focused on the feeling of compassion I had lived at the foot of Jason's bed.
2. I began at the bedside but quickly moved to standing on a green field with my feet firmly planted on the ground.
3. I felt the energy of the earth filling me and healing was coming to me connected to the earth. We are all children of the earth and She loves each of us very much. I do believe that God is present to us through Creation itself. All is sacred, all is sacrament of God's Presence. I believe the energy I felt was the Spirit of God through Creation.
It is hard to express the trauma of Jason's wounding within me; then the healing present through this session. Beyond words into the reality of our lived experience of feelings beyond the daily paradigm we have and move within.
I pray for the healing of all my family members, for all of you who read this blog. Jesus is the one who brings healing to our minds, bodies and souls. May the blessing of healing be ours as we "Let Go and Let God."
Friday, May 14, 2010
A Roman Catholic Priest is Dying: Her Final Wish Denied.
What is wrong with the picture of RC "Christianity" within this story?
http://news.medill.northwestern.edu/chicago/news.aspx?id=164664
I knew Janine when I lived in Chicago. This breaks my heart because no male in the clerical hierarchy except Fr. Roy Bourgeois MM has said, "This discrimination by the RCC against women must stop."
Our Roman Catholic male priests know this is wrong, a bishop left money to the Women's Ordination Conference in his will, doesn't help the living. When will male priests join women at the altar?
Will a male priest preside at Janine's funeral wherever it will be held?
It is time "To be the change we want to see."
http://news.medill.northwestern.edu/chicago/news.aspx?id=164664
I knew Janine when I lived in Chicago. This breaks my heart because no male in the clerical hierarchy except Fr. Roy Bourgeois MM has said, "This discrimination by the RCC against women must stop."
Our Roman Catholic male priests know this is wrong, a bishop left money to the Women's Ordination Conference in his will, doesn't help the living. When will male priests join women at the altar?
Will a male priest preside at Janine's funeral wherever it will be held?
It is time "To be the change we want to see."
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Mother's Day 2010
My daughter called me to wish me a Happy Mother's day. I have had no contact from my son who lives in VA with his wife Jodi. I feel very sad and disappointed. I thought I would write of our estrangement and its sources from my life's experience. My own wounds give me the compassion to walk with those with broken relationships. We can never judge another but must continually work for healing of myself and others. In this way we transform the suffering into life-giving healing of relationships.
I was wounded as a child by growing in an abusive alcoholic home where feelings were repressed and denied, self-esteem destroyed, control and identity lost. I went steady and married at age 21 (1964). I was abandoned by my daughter's father on Lisa's Baptism day in 1967. I lived as a single parent until I married my second husband in 1967. I did not know it but I had been emotionally traumatized to the core by the relationships in my life so far.
We birthed Jason and I lost who I was to a domineering, emotionally isolated individual for thirty years. Our emotional life was destructive to who Jason could have been and who he is called to be. Lisa was also impacted by this unbalanced relationship. I was emotionally unavailable, enmeshed totally in my husband's and my co-dependency. I did not know who I was, I was lost. I could not parent well because I did not exist as an independent person with feelings and needs of her own.
I came to consciousness at Walter Reed hospital after my son was very seriously injured. I had this dream:
1/18/06 Dream
A man/creature is in a loft about 3/4ths of the image. The man/creature is in a spider web shaped like a tunnel. I know he is there and ready to pounce. The loft is hung with black and weapons, the lower floor is also the same. I am standing on the floor below and looking up into the scene. I know I have fought and won (this morning’s session with Dr. M where I spoke my feelings honestly) I was to fight again. A child is with me. I decide ‘No, I do not need to fight.” I turn and walk away. I turn to my right and step out into the sunshine and blue sky.
This dream addressed the reality of our relationship of what it had been for 30 years and my decision to no longer live in the hell of our making. We each entered counseling and by the fall of 2006 knew the marriage could not be sustained, we applied for divorce by mutual agreement.
I have been in AlAnon since November 2009 and one of the steps is to make amends for the hurt I have caused. That I truly desire. As a priest I would like to be known as one who heals and brings reconciliation for is this not what Jesus did his whole ministry? may mine also be. From this great suffering of my own life, my I be a healing presence for others.
I was wounded as a child by growing in an abusive alcoholic home where feelings were repressed and denied, self-esteem destroyed, control and identity lost. I went steady and married at age 21 (1964). I was abandoned by my daughter's father on Lisa's Baptism day in 1967. I lived as a single parent until I married my second husband in 1967. I did not know it but I had been emotionally traumatized to the core by the relationships in my life so far.
We birthed Jason and I lost who I was to a domineering, emotionally isolated individual for thirty years. Our emotional life was destructive to who Jason could have been and who he is called to be. Lisa was also impacted by this unbalanced relationship. I was emotionally unavailable, enmeshed totally in my husband's and my co-dependency. I did not know who I was, I was lost. I could not parent well because I did not exist as an independent person with feelings and needs of her own.
I came to consciousness at Walter Reed hospital after my son was very seriously injured. I had this dream:
1/18/06 Dream
A man/creature is in a loft about 3/4ths of the image. The man/creature is in a spider web shaped like a tunnel. I know he is there and ready to pounce. The loft is hung with black and weapons, the lower floor is also the same. I am standing on the floor below and looking up into the scene. I know I have fought and won (this morning’s session with Dr. M where I spoke my feelings honestly) I was to fight again. A child is with me. I decide ‘No, I do not need to fight.” I turn and walk away. I turn to my right and step out into the sunshine and blue sky.
This dream addressed the reality of our relationship of what it had been for 30 years and my decision to no longer live in the hell of our making. We each entered counseling and by the fall of 2006 knew the marriage could not be sustained, we applied for divorce by mutual agreement.
I have been in AlAnon since November 2009 and one of the steps is to make amends for the hurt I have caused. That I truly desire. As a priest I would like to be known as one who heals and brings reconciliation for is this not what Jesus did his whole ministry? may mine also be. From this great suffering of my own life, my I be a healing presence for others.
Friday, May 7, 2010
"Visit the sick"
I have a friend whose husband is suffering from Parkinson's and had a mini stroke a week ago. Judy needed to get out to exercise-swimming is her thing so off I went to spend the early afternoon with Ray.
As you know I retired from being a hospice chaplain a year ago. I do not miss the work (for a for-profit agency), I do miss the ministry. But what a wonderful preparation for visiting the sick as a RCWP. I must ask Judy before I go next time if she would like Ray to receive communion.
I didn't know what to expect but I immediately felt "back at home in the ministry of hospice" Ray can understand everything but is having trouble with speech, he can feed himself, is walking with a walker. Judy and I had a short discussion about Ray's needs, what he could do, etc. and off she went. My experience went something like this:
1. Ray was eating jello and he finished it while I was there. He is having trouble swallowing so it was, "do not leave the room" while there is jello in his bowl.
2. A daughter stopped by and talked with dad. He responded very well discussing the golfers on the TV, as Ray was an avid golfer. While she was there I said, "Life can't get any better Ray, jello, golf on TV and a beautiful daughter visiting." Ray looked at me and all though he couldn't say anything, the look of great pleasure on his face and his smile was all I needed to know "God is present through loving daughters in our lives." (I smile as I write this, the memory of God's love is catching.)
3. After Judy left we discovered that I did not know how to get to a menu for the channels, we got into a do-loop of "pay for the movie." Finally I called Judy who by this time I thought would be "in over her head swimming" but God is good so she told me his favorite channel, the golf channel.
4. Ray soon fell asleep watching golf which I thought would happen as he had a workout from physical therapy earlier today. After a work-out and lunch is a perfect time to take a nap!
5. Kept sleeping until "ring" the darn phone! He sat upright in his chair! I touched his shoulder and said, "Phone woke you up Ray?" he looked at me, "I think I will go outside." I thought "oh oh" as I knew he used to go outside to smoke and I hadn't any word from Judy on this. But that wasn't it. I helped Ray get up to his stool/walker and said, "Ray lead us to the door!" and off he went through his home till we came to the porch. "Oh shoot" I thought "a step down!" Judy hadn't told me about it and Ray was determined. So I scooted by him so I was down step. I helped Ray put the walker down the step. Then ever so slowly, still hanging on to the walker, one foot at a time--he was down! I was ready to shout "Hurray for Ray" but didn't want to scare him. Out we went to the yard, Judy's yard is all garden and is beautiful. I asked Ray if he would like to sit in the sun (it was 85 today)or the shade. Ray chose the sun. Used his walker seat as a foot rest, laid back and closed his eyes!
When Judy came home she said, "He loves to sleep in the garden." I thought, "Yes to get away from that drat phone that woke him up. This man can still problem solve!
God is compassion and present in our lives:
In the goodness of a daughter who comes to visit.
in the knowledge of a spouse who knows she must take care of herself.
in the friends who prepare dinner and provide respite.
in the man who enjoys life in the limits of his life.
in the happiness I felt in providing words to what Ray was feeling in the ministrations of his daughter.
in the beauty of God's creation in the "Garden of Eden of Ray and Judy"
Let us take care of each other remembering the God who loves us and gave us two commandments:
1. Love God
2. Love your neighbor as yourself.
Blessings everyone.
As you know I retired from being a hospice chaplain a year ago. I do not miss the work (for a for-profit agency), I do miss the ministry. But what a wonderful preparation for visiting the sick as a RCWP. I must ask Judy before I go next time if she would like Ray to receive communion.
I didn't know what to expect but I immediately felt "back at home in the ministry of hospice" Ray can understand everything but is having trouble with speech, he can feed himself, is walking with a walker. Judy and I had a short discussion about Ray's needs, what he could do, etc. and off she went. My experience went something like this:
1. Ray was eating jello and he finished it while I was there. He is having trouble swallowing so it was, "do not leave the room" while there is jello in his bowl.
2. A daughter stopped by and talked with dad. He responded very well discussing the golfers on the TV, as Ray was an avid golfer. While she was there I said, "Life can't get any better Ray, jello, golf on TV and a beautiful daughter visiting." Ray looked at me and all though he couldn't say anything, the look of great pleasure on his face and his smile was all I needed to know "God is present through loving daughters in our lives." (I smile as I write this, the memory of God's love is catching.)
3. After Judy left we discovered that I did not know how to get to a menu for the channels, we got into a do-loop of "pay for the movie." Finally I called Judy who by this time I thought would be "in over her head swimming" but God is good so she told me his favorite channel, the golf channel.
4. Ray soon fell asleep watching golf which I thought would happen as he had a workout from physical therapy earlier today. After a work-out and lunch is a perfect time to take a nap!
5. Kept sleeping until "ring" the darn phone! He sat upright in his chair! I touched his shoulder and said, "Phone woke you up Ray?" he looked at me, "I think I will go outside." I thought "oh oh" as I knew he used to go outside to smoke and I hadn't any word from Judy on this. But that wasn't it. I helped Ray get up to his stool/walker and said, "Ray lead us to the door!" and off he went through his home till we came to the porch. "Oh shoot" I thought "a step down!" Judy hadn't told me about it and Ray was determined. So I scooted by him so I was down step. I helped Ray put the walker down the step. Then ever so slowly, still hanging on to the walker, one foot at a time--he was down! I was ready to shout "Hurray for Ray" but didn't want to scare him. Out we went to the yard, Judy's yard is all garden and is beautiful. I asked Ray if he would like to sit in the sun (it was 85 today)or the shade. Ray chose the sun. Used his walker seat as a foot rest, laid back and closed his eyes!
When Judy came home she said, "He loves to sleep in the garden." I thought, "Yes to get away from that drat phone that woke him up. This man can still problem solve!
God is compassion and present in our lives:
In the goodness of a daughter who comes to visit.
in the knowledge of a spouse who knows she must take care of herself.
in the friends who prepare dinner and provide respite.
in the man who enjoys life in the limits of his life.
in the happiness I felt in providing words to what Ray was feeling in the ministrations of his daughter.
in the beauty of God's creation in the "Garden of Eden of Ray and Judy"
Let us take care of each other remembering the God who loves us and gave us two commandments:
1. Love God
2. Love your neighbor as yourself.
Blessings everyone.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Op-Ed Columnist - Who Can Mock the True Catholic Church? - NYTimes.com
Op-Ed Columnist - Who Can Mock the True Catholic Church? - NYTimes.com
I don't know if you will be able to get to this op-ed piece. But he right on when he writes of the People of God doing the will of God and who would be a good candidate for pope.
I don't know if you will be able to get to this op-ed piece. But he right on when he writes of the People of God doing the will of God and who would be a good candidate for pope.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
May 1 The Beginning of Spring-I wept.
I wept on the way home today from exercising at the YMCA. It rained, they say often when the Derby runs, all day so I had to be inside. I was upset as I thought the Y stayed open until 9. I ran chores this afternoon and could have gone sooner; I thought I had the perfect day planned-to save exercise for the last part of the day.
When I lived in Virginia amidst my depression and co-dependency; I never went to the mountains all around us. I loved the red bud and dogwood trees, I loved the rhododendron and mountain laurel but I was too lost deep within my self to enter into the beauty around me. I always said, "I will go "next year" but for 17 years I never went alone except when company visited and wanted "to go to the woods"
Last year I moved into this apartment complex on May 1 and things were so hectic I didn't go to the mountains of Daniel Boone National Forest just a little over an hour away. Soon I headed to Ann Arbor to provide support for my sister recovering for surgery for the months of June and July. I didn't get to the mountains in the fall as I was preparing for ordination.
This year I was away until after Easter with the grandkids in FL and got home the middle of the month. I was determined I would not miss the mountains this year. I headed out to the DBNF last week to see the wildflowers and they were spectacular. Trilliums, red and white, dotted the hillsides and red buds and dogwoods bloomed. I knew there might be one other flower I could see-the jewel of the forest floor: the lady slipper. She comes pink and yellow and when I was out last week, I didn't even think to ask if lady slippers were blooming as I assumed they bloomed later in the spring.
As I was hiking last week a woman said, "I really would like to see a lady slipper" and I thought "Hmm I will call the botanist and ask." He said, "Oh yes they are blooming" Surprised I made plans for Thursday as the weather was predicted to be warm and sunny I headed out by myself to see if I could find beauty amidst the oak leaves.
First I followed a road into the forest edge. The botanist had instructed, "They are in the middle of the parking lot." I got out of my car and asked a couple having lunch at a table, "See any lady slippers around" He replied, "Of course look around they are everywhere" And they were! Their beautiful pink slippers hanging from a 6 inch stem arising from a cup of two lily shaped leaves. I visited another site on the other side of Natural Bridge in the park and again they blossomed at the edge of the path.
Gently very gently
I touch the purple jewels of God,
wrapped in their leaves of green.
Tears fell
All I can do is reverence
the awesomeness that is the
Beauty of God
Amongst the oak leave bower
in the sunlight
of Spring's morning.
Fourteen billion years in the growing
just for me.
I give thanks with heart overflowing filled with God's creation
I can see it, really see it for the very first time.
My heart was full all week with lady slipper beauty.
This afternoon I went to a movie by Tyler Perry.
He has been writing and making more dramas then comedy but I wanted to see it because Tyler is an excellent writer. However it was painful for it was about marriage relationships and the suffering in marriages, much like my own.
I was feeling very lonely as I walked out of the YMCA, upset that it closed at 8 instead of 9 PM. The rain had stopped and a golden sunset was bright behind me. I looked into the dark rainclouds in front of me and the rainbow arch, complete from one side of the sky to other stretched before me.
I could not believe the beauty of this rainbow against the dark almost black sky with lazy white clouds floating above me, seeming to flow under the arch. I began to weep and knew again that God is present with me and within me. Creation and we are one. There is no thing that is not of God not Sacred.
Such beauty I have been gifted to see this week not made by human hands but directly from this wonderful earth that has been living and creating for 14 billion years. I found such peace this week in nature by myself for the very first time in my life.
I keep asking myself, "Is this my priesthood lived by a woman coming up out of depression and a spiritually abusive marriage?" To be filled with gratitude for the true beauty of the earth. To be able to see it and experience it and to feel at home in natural beauty. A gift beyond measure to be cherished forever and never to be taken away.
Who are we with such hubris that oil spills all over the coasts of Louisiana this day? May we come to consciousness to protect the earth and all life of its abundance. Blessings this day may you experience the God of Creation.
When I lived in Virginia amidst my depression and co-dependency; I never went to the mountains all around us. I loved the red bud and dogwood trees, I loved the rhododendron and mountain laurel but I was too lost deep within my self to enter into the beauty around me. I always said, "I will go "next year" but for 17 years I never went alone except when company visited and wanted "to go to the woods"
Last year I moved into this apartment complex on May 1 and things were so hectic I didn't go to the mountains of Daniel Boone National Forest just a little over an hour away. Soon I headed to Ann Arbor to provide support for my sister recovering for surgery for the months of June and July. I didn't get to the mountains in the fall as I was preparing for ordination.
This year I was away until after Easter with the grandkids in FL and got home the middle of the month. I was determined I would not miss the mountains this year. I headed out to the DBNF last week to see the wildflowers and they were spectacular. Trilliums, red and white, dotted the hillsides and red buds and dogwoods bloomed. I knew there might be one other flower I could see-the jewel of the forest floor: the lady slipper. She comes pink and yellow and when I was out last week, I didn't even think to ask if lady slippers were blooming as I assumed they bloomed later in the spring.
As I was hiking last week a woman said, "I really would like to see a lady slipper" and I thought "Hmm I will call the botanist and ask." He said, "Oh yes they are blooming" Surprised I made plans for Thursday as the weather was predicted to be warm and sunny I headed out by myself to see if I could find beauty amidst the oak leaves.
First I followed a road into the forest edge. The botanist had instructed, "They are in the middle of the parking lot." I got out of my car and asked a couple having lunch at a table, "See any lady slippers around" He replied, "Of course look around they are everywhere" And they were! Their beautiful pink slippers hanging from a 6 inch stem arising from a cup of two lily shaped leaves. I visited another site on the other side of Natural Bridge in the park and again they blossomed at the edge of the path.
Gently very gently
I touch the purple jewels of God,
wrapped in their leaves of green.
Tears fell
All I can do is reverence
the awesomeness that is the
Beauty of God
Amongst the oak leave bower
in the sunlight
of Spring's morning.
Fourteen billion years in the growing
just for me.
I give thanks with heart overflowing filled with God's creation
I can see it, really see it for the very first time.
My heart was full all week with lady slipper beauty.
This afternoon I went to a movie by Tyler Perry.
He has been writing and making more dramas then comedy but I wanted to see it because Tyler is an excellent writer. However it was painful for it was about marriage relationships and the suffering in marriages, much like my own.
I was feeling very lonely as I walked out of the YMCA, upset that it closed at 8 instead of 9 PM. The rain had stopped and a golden sunset was bright behind me. I looked into the dark rainclouds in front of me and the rainbow arch, complete from one side of the sky to other stretched before me.
I could not believe the beauty of this rainbow against the dark almost black sky with lazy white clouds floating above me, seeming to flow under the arch. I began to weep and knew again that God is present with me and within me. Creation and we are one. There is no thing that is not of God not Sacred.
Such beauty I have been gifted to see this week not made by human hands but directly from this wonderful earth that has been living and creating for 14 billion years. I found such peace this week in nature by myself for the very first time in my life.
I keep asking myself, "Is this my priesthood lived by a woman coming up out of depression and a spiritually abusive marriage?" To be filled with gratitude for the true beauty of the earth. To be able to see it and experience it and to feel at home in natural beauty. A gift beyond measure to be cherished forever and never to be taken away.
Who are we with such hubris that oil spills all over the coasts of Louisiana this day? May we come to consciousness to protect the earth and all life of its abundance. Blessings this day may you experience the God of Creation.
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