I have been in Rome, I will attach a report I wrote in another post. DC looking for a place (I think I might have found one). A week in Hilton Head and St. Augustine with Lisa and my grand kids. Then back to Lexington and now onto Ann Arbor for July 4th.
On the way home from FL I stopped by a supporter of women's ordination Lynn and her husband Bob. Bob walks from Atlanta to Columbus GA with a group of Buddhists to take part in the SOA Watch vigil held each November. Their home is used as Lynn's preschool for 5 days a week and is filled with exciting things for "children to grow and learn on."
We had a nice dinner together and Lynn asked if we could have a short liturgy in the morning to start the week. The liturgy was held in the library with books literally from floor to wall. A small table for the altar and another table on which was the photo of Gandhi's tomb which is ornately carved. I felt his presence in the room, a deep peace abided amongst us. Bob and Lynn are part of a worldwide group that prays for peace on the 6th of each month at 7:30. The tradition started in 1985 in Hiroshima. On the altar were bread, wine in a beautiful antique etched glass and candles of different sizes and a bell. Bob was an altar boy and loves the sound of the bell.
I proposed the readings from the day. However, Bob misreading the verse numbers read instead the gospel of the healing of the woman with a hemorrhage and the leader's daughter who had died. My sharing included a story from Walter Reed and my and Jason's healing. When Jason came into WR, Jason was blind. His right eye had shut down with lazy eye. The sight in his left "good eye" was destroyed in the blast that also took his arm and buttocks. I began to read all the stories of the bible in which Jesus heals those who are blind. I came to understand very quickly that I would be healed of my blindness (my marital relationship)and that Jason would be healed. The MD for eyes was astounded, but it is not unheard of, when a child's eye is patched at the appropriate age, the brain retains the ability to "turn it on" if necessary. By Christmas Jason was reading! For the scriptures use the healing of the physical to "mirror" the healing of the soul. Jason's eye was healed at Walter Reed and my soul was healed. Who can say "What was the greater miracle?"
I wanted to focus on healing as Christianity's focus on sinfulness of humanity does not heal but gives the basis for power over by the priests and hierarchy of the RCC. "You are a sinner and must come to us as only we can forgive your sin."
Jesus can heal us, as AlAnon teaches "God as we define God can heal us."
I began with having each of us speak as CTA does, "What do I bring to this Eucharist? What is on my heart/mind?" Then during the normal "kyrie eleison" I instead asked for healing from the wounds of our childhood, from friends, from the community at large. Our response was, "Creator God heal us; Jesus our brother heal us; Spirit heal us."
For our offering of bread and wine I talked about how each of these represents ourselves and community. The bread our lives and actions, the wine all our feelings which give us our experience of being alive.
Then the consecration. We each held our hands out over the bread and wine. I recited the words of consecration, doing the best I can as I couldn't find them in my Living with Christ. As I did this I entered deeply into the Last Supper, more deeply than ever before. I began to weep as Jesus knew this was His blood which would be shed for all. We Catholic Christians have been following his words for 2000 years "Do this in memory of me."
I saw in my mind's eye, as I said the words, Jesus standing at my right side. White robe and dark hair and beard. His hands were outstretched and pointing down. At the same time I knew him to be the Cosmic Christ throughout time. Jesus is as large as the universe. Jesus was present in our simple liturgy of three persons with open hearts to experience His presence in Scripture and in the Eucharist. And He is.
I am so thankful for the opportunity to celebrate Eucharist with others. I encourage you to do the same. God's love is available to each and everyone of us without the intermediary of the RCC. The People of God can gather, bless the bread and wine and receive the body and blood of Christ. All of life is Sacred and we are part of Sacredness it is in our DNA.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Friday, June 4, 2010
I Fly to Rome June 5 To Celebrate the end of the "Year of the Priest"
I am flying to Rome to join a small band of women working for women's ordination in the RCC. The women come from the US and European nations. Please check www.bridgetmarys.blogspot.com for updates regarding RCWP. If we can we will send back updates to her.
I want to create a poster to hold while we are in St. Peter's Square. I found this one this morning as I opened Living with Christ to today's readings:
"One must accept the call, one must listen, one must receive, one must measure one's strength, and answer, "Yes, yes." Author Ven. Pope John Paul II.
I wonder if JPII wrote it when he was elected Pope, I think I might have read it then.
I get into Rome at 10 AM Sunday, leaving from NC at 8PM tomorrow.
I will write in my journal about the three days we will vigil-Tuesday, Wed. and Thursday and post when I get back. Then I fly back home on Friday the 11.
Blessings Everyone
I want to create a poster to hold while we are in St. Peter's Square. I found this one this morning as I opened Living with Christ to today's readings:
"One must accept the call, one must listen, one must receive, one must measure one's strength, and answer, "Yes, yes." Author Ven. Pope John Paul II.
I wonder if JPII wrote it when he was elected Pope, I think I might have read it then.
I get into Rome at 10 AM Sunday, leaving from NC at 8PM tomorrow.
I will write in my journal about the three days we will vigil-Tuesday, Wed. and Thursday and post when I get back. Then I fly back home on Friday the 11.
Blessings Everyone
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Only for Those who Need Courage To Heal and Change
I write of my own experiences as I seek continued healing so that I might encourage you to do the same. God never gives up on us because God is the force of evolution both in the universe and within the human heart and soul. I want to be the very best priest I can be for the People of God. I have not addressed these issues/events of my life in a therapeutic setting prior to now. I have spent a lifetime of prayer asking God's healing and forgiveness for what I have done as St. Paul wrote "because of this thorn in my side."
Our journeys are unique yet each of us is wounded by life in some way. How to seek healing, how to find the courage to look deep into our own wounds? What is unconscious controls our behavior toward ourselves and others. We can look at our shadow side and we can be healed of wounds and be in control of how we live in relationship with others. By doing the inner work we cultivate our soul's earth for the seed of compassion to grow. Through growing in compassion we become mature daughters and sons of God our Mother and Father. God provides healing for us through our interactions with other human beings; for deep wounds it is best to enter this work with an experienced professional.
Today I wanted to experience healing around the trauma of being in relationship with my ex-husband for over 30 years. It was not a healthy relationship for myself, for him or our daughter and son. I know that healing of myself includes compassion for my ex husband. Today Dr. S used a different technique for "diving deep" into the feelings connected with our relationship.
In our relationship, there is no one instance that stands out, it is a repetitive pattern of emotional abuse even if the other would deny ever doing it. How Dr. S began really set me back. "What you are describing is a form of sadism" I was shocked. I think of the term connected with whips and chains, physical stuff.
Dr S explained, I will try to do the best I can in repeating what he said, "The one who commits such emotional violence is trying to love you, believes he is loving you. First your self esteem must be destroyed so he is in control. This way he can love you and not be vulnerable in his own feelings; he is safe in loving you." This relationship was created and continued unconsciously on his part and my part.
My ex-spouse teased, put down, discounted, ignored completely any expression of feelings and needs expressed by me. By the 5th year of my marriage I was literally neurotic, depressed, anxious and most of all fearful. I was paralyzed emotionally. As they say in AlAnon "it was insanity." I no longer existed, I was an extension of my ex's personality. I was to meet his needs and did so denying my very soul and every value I had lived until I married him. I was truly trapped in the emotional and spiritual Hell of my own and my ex's making.
I want to disconnect myself emotionally and to heal the wounds of this relationship so I might be compassion for myself and others. The process is like Velcro Dr. S explained. Right now there is an emotional hook which fits into a loop. The healing takes place when the loop is opened and there is no longer a loop for the hook. These are the emotions within the dynamic of the relationship.
Throughout today's exercise I am "to be my ex" not myself; that is feel, talk as if I am him. The process took an hour and I cannot relate it all, I will give examples from it.
The process looks like this.
Two fingers to the center of chest.
two fingers on side of nose touching brow,
fingers to side of eye,
fingers to bone under eye.
Looking for a memory to start.
then a feeling
feeling with new image if it comes
experience new image
a feeling
Or a repeat if the feeling/image does not change.
Many exhortations by Dr S to "dive deeper" into the feeling; to feel it in the now as completely as I could as my ex.
Two fingers on my chest to repeat as my ex spouse "I am feeling____, I love myself unconditionally in body, mind and spirit."
We started out with my being my ex on the first floor of our home in Va. He had taken over the first floor as his office. It had a fireplace, handmade furniture by my brother especially for him. A really, really nice office. Feelings of satisfaction, contentment, pride and happiness were in this room for my ex. Dr. S led me through the hand movements more than once to the point that the room and feelings began to fade into a fog.
Then Dr. S asked me to move to another room in the home. I went upstairs as it was dinner time. What came next is hard to remember accurately. My ex was enjoying the meal Katy had prepared. I kept giving thoughts and descriptions, Dr S kept saying "feeling, feeling" I imagined my ex eating a mouthful of chicken. I imagined the taste, smell, texture.
My ex enjoyed the meal so much because he had been very poor as a child and had gone hungry (I know my ex's dad went hunting and they butchered on the kitchen table). I was to enter into his feelings of poverty, hunger, being deprived.
The image given me was a starving child of Africa poster. My ex was taken a back. The child came out of the poster toward him. He was panicky, turning away. At this point I began to cry, I said, "I can't continue" for Katy would never turn away from a starving child. Dr. S began to tap the outside of the each knee. (I am assuming a meridian pressure point.) He led me back into the image and overwhelming feelings of conflict.
The image became my ex stuck to the tar baby as in Brer Rabbit tales. The rest of time was spent with both halves of the image. The feelings of panic (my ex) the feelings of frustration (me) because I can't get free. I kept trying to "solve the problem" but Dr. S kept insisting on feelings. The session had to end, I was left holding both parts "the tar baby-me, my ex stuck to the tar baby" neither of us able to be freed from the connection.
Dr. S said, "You did well, you continued even when you said, "I can't" I can sit with the images on my own till we meet again. I told him the feelings at the end of the session were the same as when I had the dream at Walter Reed (Jan. 2006) the dream is:
A man/creature is in a loft about 3/4ths of the image. The man/creature is in a spider web shaped like a tunnel. I know he is there and ready to pounce. The loft is hung with black and weapons, the lower floor is also the same. I am standing on the floor below and looking up into the scene. I know I have fought and won (this morning’s session with Dr. M where I spoke my feelings honestly) I was to fight again. A child is with me. I decide ‘No, I do not need to fight.” I turn and walk away. I turn to my right and step out into the sunshine and blue sky.
I had never had a lucid dream before or since. That is a dream where I made a decision that would change my life in the waking world of day. I must do the same with this tar baby situation I think. I am not sure so the healing process will continue when I return from my journeys over the next month. I hope to dream and maybe experience some further insight into my life, healing toward compassion, and its meaning.
Our journeys are unique yet each of us is wounded by life in some way. How to seek healing, how to find the courage to look deep into our own wounds? What is unconscious controls our behavior toward ourselves and others. We can look at our shadow side and we can be healed of wounds and be in control of how we live in relationship with others. By doing the inner work we cultivate our soul's earth for the seed of compassion to grow. Through growing in compassion we become mature daughters and sons of God our Mother and Father. God provides healing for us through our interactions with other human beings; for deep wounds it is best to enter this work with an experienced professional.
Today I wanted to experience healing around the trauma of being in relationship with my ex-husband for over 30 years. It was not a healthy relationship for myself, for him or our daughter and son. I know that healing of myself includes compassion for my ex husband. Today Dr. S used a different technique for "diving deep" into the feelings connected with our relationship.
In our relationship, there is no one instance that stands out, it is a repetitive pattern of emotional abuse even if the other would deny ever doing it. How Dr. S began really set me back. "What you are describing is a form of sadism" I was shocked. I think of the term connected with whips and chains, physical stuff.
Dr S explained, I will try to do the best I can in repeating what he said, "The one who commits such emotional violence is trying to love you, believes he is loving you. First your self esteem must be destroyed so he is in control. This way he can love you and not be vulnerable in his own feelings; he is safe in loving you." This relationship was created and continued unconsciously on his part and my part.
My ex-spouse teased, put down, discounted, ignored completely any expression of feelings and needs expressed by me. By the 5th year of my marriage I was literally neurotic, depressed, anxious and most of all fearful. I was paralyzed emotionally. As they say in AlAnon "it was insanity." I no longer existed, I was an extension of my ex's personality. I was to meet his needs and did so denying my very soul and every value I had lived until I married him. I was truly trapped in the emotional and spiritual Hell of my own and my ex's making.
I want to disconnect myself emotionally and to heal the wounds of this relationship so I might be compassion for myself and others. The process is like Velcro Dr. S explained. Right now there is an emotional hook which fits into a loop. The healing takes place when the loop is opened and there is no longer a loop for the hook. These are the emotions within the dynamic of the relationship.
Throughout today's exercise I am "to be my ex" not myself; that is feel, talk as if I am him. The process took an hour and I cannot relate it all, I will give examples from it.
The process looks like this.
Two fingers to the center of chest.
two fingers on side of nose touching brow,
fingers to side of eye,
fingers to bone under eye.
Looking for a memory to start.
then a feeling
feeling with new image if it comes
experience new image
a feeling
Or a repeat if the feeling/image does not change.
Many exhortations by Dr S to "dive deeper" into the feeling; to feel it in the now as completely as I could as my ex.
Two fingers on my chest to repeat as my ex spouse "I am feeling____, I love myself unconditionally in body, mind and spirit."
We started out with my being my ex on the first floor of our home in Va. He had taken over the first floor as his office. It had a fireplace, handmade furniture by my brother especially for him. A really, really nice office. Feelings of satisfaction, contentment, pride and happiness were in this room for my ex. Dr. S led me through the hand movements more than once to the point that the room and feelings began to fade into a fog.
Then Dr. S asked me to move to another room in the home. I went upstairs as it was dinner time. What came next is hard to remember accurately. My ex was enjoying the meal Katy had prepared. I kept giving thoughts and descriptions, Dr S kept saying "feeling, feeling" I imagined my ex eating a mouthful of chicken. I imagined the taste, smell, texture.
My ex enjoyed the meal so much because he had been very poor as a child and had gone hungry (I know my ex's dad went hunting and they butchered on the kitchen table). I was to enter into his feelings of poverty, hunger, being deprived.
The image given me was a starving child of Africa poster. My ex was taken a back. The child came out of the poster toward him. He was panicky, turning away. At this point I began to cry, I said, "I can't continue" for Katy would never turn away from a starving child. Dr. S began to tap the outside of the each knee. (I am assuming a meridian pressure point.) He led me back into the image and overwhelming feelings of conflict.
The image became my ex stuck to the tar baby as in Brer Rabbit tales. The rest of time was spent with both halves of the image. The feelings of panic (my ex) the feelings of frustration (me) because I can't get free. I kept trying to "solve the problem" but Dr. S kept insisting on feelings. The session had to end, I was left holding both parts "the tar baby-me, my ex stuck to the tar baby" neither of us able to be freed from the connection.
Dr. S said, "You did well, you continued even when you said, "I can't" I can sit with the images on my own till we meet again. I told him the feelings at the end of the session were the same as when I had the dream at Walter Reed (Jan. 2006) the dream is:
A man/creature is in a loft about 3/4ths of the image. The man/creature is in a spider web shaped like a tunnel. I know he is there and ready to pounce. The loft is hung with black and weapons, the lower floor is also the same. I am standing on the floor below and looking up into the scene. I know I have fought and won (this morning’s session with Dr. M where I spoke my feelings honestly) I was to fight again. A child is with me. I decide ‘No, I do not need to fight.” I turn and walk away. I turn to my right and step out into the sunshine and blue sky.
I had never had a lucid dream before or since. That is a dream where I made a decision that would change my life in the waking world of day. I must do the same with this tar baby situation I think. I am not sure so the healing process will continue when I return from my journeys over the next month. I hope to dream and maybe experience some further insight into my life, healing toward compassion, and its meaning.
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